🌸🌺Dreams and Goals🌺🌸

My biggest issue with things in my life are not feeling confident in things I want to do and feeling doubtful combined with anxiety. It makes me not want to do a whole lot of things outside of my comfort zone because I either feel I'm not ready for them or I don't deserve them. In the back of my mind, my brain tells me that I've done something in relation to POCD because of porn when I was a teenager and a time I tried to help a minor with OCD. Or that I've committed sexual harassment because of a time I tried to zip up a bag but didn't tuck my arm and it touched someone's behind when really I just didn't want to keep listening to my OCD about how much of a bad person I would be or bad things would happen if I didn't tuck my arm. I thought I would just very slightly brush up contact and it wouldn't matter that much but it just ended up happening in the worst way. I remember how extremely depressed this made me and I just feel like I don't deserve to go on because of these kind of thoughts, memories, and worries. These worries are what keeps me down from really living my life. Another part of this is I feel I need to just have my needs met before I can really carry on in life I also know that I can't keep waiting for things to feel right when I need to do them. Is this a sign of Just Right OCD? Needing my feelings to feel just right in order for me to do someone I really want to? I act on my feelings more than I do my rational and it definitely shows in my anxiety. This stuff holds my back on my dream goals, trying to get experience with relationships, going to school, and just overall being happier and caring a lot less about anxiety. I don't know how to get rid of them. I just try to let them pass. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. Being up at night is a trigger for this for sure.

Anyone else really wanna pursue their dreams, but imposter syndrome and OCD thinking holds them back? For me, it’s my art. I’ve had some success with my art, and it’s been really exciting, but then I think of all the things I regret and the mistakes I made, and I’m terrified, so I recoil. I never feel like I deserve it. All those artists who’ve been praised for their art by the masses, I imagine them as being perfect. I know it’s not true, but I mean, how can you put yourself out there these days and not know you have no skeletons in the closet?? I see people making reels and they’re so confident and carefree, and I think, “I bet they’ve never made any really big mistakes, or else they’d be terrified of having themselves out there.” I’m probably projecting. Maybe they’re just as terrified deep down. Maybe that’s what drives them. Maybe that’s what makes their art so touching. All I really wanna do is impact other people with my art. Maybe there’s a selfish part of me that relies on the praise, and that’s the part I need to let go of. Whether I get praise or not, my art should just be something I’m proud of. If I can help someone with my art, that would be amazing. Like you guys. I feel like this community is my demographic, and even if the rest of the world turned away from me, the ones who’ve been in my shoes are the ones I should write for. Anyway, this is a huge issue for me and my OCD. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would really love to hear them, because I feel pretty stuck.

this is probably kinda jumbled but over the past almost year or so i've slowly realized i have ocd (i'm diagnosed audhd but over time i started feeling like those alone didn't cover the whole issue yk?), and recently i've been kinda worried i guess. it’s just that i’m turning 21 in 6 months and i’m afraid that this disorder is going to rob me of joyful adult milestones in my life. honestly being 20 has sucked, i can’t even remember wtf being 18 was like, and my childhood in general wasn't the best either, but i've been struggling a lot as of late and i don't want how i feel now to be the same as how i feel next year. my meds have helped quiet my compulsions a significant amount (i literally felt like i was going kinda cray cray when i was off them 😭) but they’re not completely gone. sometimes it just seems like this is all it's ever gonna be forever and i’m always gonna feel ashamed of myself for just like… existing. my 21 year old self deserves to be happy but idk if i’ll be able to give that to her 🥲🥲🥲