🌸🌺Dreams and Goals🌺🌸

I feel like OCD has taken up a massive chunk of my life. I don't really have anything else, most of my time has been spent with obsessions for years. I'm 21 so I know I'm young and everything but that is time I won't get back, and it's had aeasurable impact on my future, with stuffike grades, or just missing out on social stuff due to obsessions. I wasn't even aware of what was wrong with me for so long.

I got interested in lucid dreaming several decades ago. I'd often had lucid dreams going back to childhood, long before I even knew the term, but it was in my early 20s that I learned about it as something some people actively pursued as a hobby, with a range of techniques to help make themselves aware of their dreaming while they were dreaming. Among those techniques is to look at a piece of writing, look away, then look back at it. As writing rarely remains stable in dreams, the writing will usually have changed if a person is dreaming, and if it stays the same, the person is probably awake. (The technique is usually described in terms of looking at a watch or clock, but it really can be used for any writing--in fact it's better if it's writing that normally wouldn't change, as clocks and watches do.) This is not the only method of reality-testing, but in my experience it's the one I've found easiest and most reliable. My full-time interest in lucid dreaming only lasted about 6 months. But thereafter I continued to use the looking-at-writing technique whenever the topic of lucid dreaming entered my mind. I began doing this practically everywhere, using whatever writing I found around me: books, food packages, devices, street signs, license plates, storefronts, and more. I even unwisely did it on occasion while driving. I did it so much it made my eyes sore and bloodshot. I even paused to do it while writing this post. Naturally, it looks strange if other people see me doing it, though it's something I try not to do around other people. My mom once saw me doing it, and she told me I had a tic. I don't think it's a tic, but it is a compulsion. My understanding of the difference is that compulsions are always a choice: I can choose to ignore the compulsion. But I guess the back-and-forth motion with my eyes and/or head may resemble a stereotypical tic to outside observers. I'm still unwilling to totally give up the habit. Part of the reason is that it still is effective at helping me become aware of my dream state while I'm dreaming, which is a positive when I'm having an unpleasant dream. But I definitely do it excessively, to a point that's probably unhealthy for my eyes, and it seems like a lot of effort for very little. I have diagnosed OCD as well as autism, but I'm not sure what particular subtype this would fall into--it's hardly the only compulsion I have, but it may be the most unusual one--as I've never heard of this happening to anyone else, not even other people who are interested in lucid dreaming. I guess it derives from a sense of anxiety connected to being uncertain about the reality around me, as well as a sense of loss of control when it comes to sleeping--which relates to my general difficulties in falling and staying asleep (which I'm currently being treated for). I also have chronic sleep paralysis going back to early childhood, and while this has provided me with yet another stepping stone to lucid dreaming, probably the fear of entering this state has further reinforced my sense of anxiety around sleeping and dreaming, and feeling a need to take control of it to the best of my ability. At least that's how I've been able to explain it. I'm open to other suggestions, or any advice others may have.

It’s always been a dream of mine to become a successful author, which includes being somewhat famous. Ever since my ocd got bad 2 years ago, I’ve had a fear of becoming famous because I get the intrusive fear of getting canceled for false memories that absolutely go against my morals (like whenever a false memory scenario plays in my head while I’m on any social media post, it tries to convince me I said something inappropriate or derogatory towards someone even when there is zero proof of this ever happening) or getting canceled for dumb mistakes/opinions I had in the past. I deleted my Twitter account last month and sometimes my ocd tries to convince me that I did something bad while I was on there even though the concrete proof says otherwise (I also get paranoid that ppl who blocked me on there would try canceling me years later despite barely making my own posts and mainly sharing tweets that are interesting). I have this fear because I use my pen name for social medias and even though it has a very common last name, I fear ppl would hunt me down and attempt to destroy my life forever. It also doesn’t really help that my generation (online at least) tends to see things in a very black and white manner so that’s why social media ocd is the main ocd I struggle with. If anyone has struggled with this kind of ocd too, I would like to hear how you cope with it because I do not want my ocd to get in the way of my dreams :,)