Has anyone ever had ocd focus on the devil? Whenever I watch a show where they portray him as wounded or the good guy I start to believe it myself, like start questioning if Satan was bad or if God was unfair about punishing him. It's driving me insane because I keep obsessing over how I'll get possessed or turn into a horrible person because of these thoughts. But I don't know how to get rid of them or how to do any exposure in this situation cause even though I'm not a believer in God, I fear evil, and I can't touch it even if it helps. All I do is compulsively pray and beg God for forgiveness and I hate the cycle but don't know how to break it.

Have you ever been through Very bad thoughts about your brain wants to twist anything about good or bad like evil and good which is god and sat*n and panicking because you believe In god but your brain is messing with you have you ever felt like you're afraid you had commit blasmphy in your thoughts It's very bad thoughts like omg where does these toughts come from?? Please tell me your experience One moment I feel okay and I can pray and vent to god and other moment I'm so ashamed of myself for thinking like that Am I alone in this am I crazy?

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.

Sunday evening- (three days ago) While I was doing homework, I had my mouth slightly open and was moving my tongue. I had the intrusive thought of mouthing the devil’s name or saying it (im not sure if it was before, after or during the time I had my mouth open). Then it made me wonder if I did mouth it or say it- which I’m not really sure if I did but that’s the false memory aspect of my OCD. Then I had the thought that I did that as a way to get help from the devil on my homework- almost like if it was me doing a bad prayer to the devil in return for something. I know mouthing just that isn’t a bad prayer in itself, but I wondered if those were my intentions and if god interpreted it as such. I didn’t really dwell on the thought then. Later that day I felt really fatigued and had a headache so I went to bed early. I woke up at a normal hour the next day and did some homework before school but I started feeling really fatigued again. I decided not to go to school since I wasn’t feeling very well. I was wondering what had been the problem later that day (Monday evening). I then had the outlandish thought that maybe it was god’s way of punishing me. Maybe I really had said the devil’s name/ mouthed it. Maybe I had done it as a way to get help from devil with my homework. Maybe I’d lost gods favor. Then I started worrying about having that irrational conclusion that god might’ve punished me (which I’m pretty sure isn’t the case but the possibility that it could be) scared me and makes me think that is the case. The worries continued onto Tuesday and they kinda spiraled from there. I was worried I’d then be perceived to be crazy for having thoughts like that and wondering if maybe there are other underlying mental illnesses present. I also started wondering that if I have lost god’s favor and it was a punishment, what is to stop me from doing worse things like an actual bad prayer? If I did do that and it was considered bad by god and have already been judged, am I done for good? These thoughts were easier to ignore during the day but at night when I lied down for bed, they were at the forefront of my mind and harder to push away. I did try RPMs but the anxiety still stayed and the thoughts didn’t “get bored”. I also started stressing about not being able to sleep which is not a good feeling- especially since I had a test the next day on Wednesday. I kind if had a mini panic attack. I got really hot and my heart rate was up. I started getting stressed about ending up like I did before OCD treatment when the intrusive thoughts initially became a problem a few years ago-where practically every day was passed with the gnawing feeling of thoughts and doubts at the back of my mind and the difficulty in falling asleep would lay over me each night. I ended up calming my breathing and falling asleep. When I woke up I felt glad that I’d slept but I was quickly bombarded once again by the thoughts. They remained ever present throughout the day (today) and I felt kinda down the whole day, the stress from the thoughts lingering all day, along with the fear I might not sleep well tonight, etc etc. those thoughts have kind if been I just wanted to write it down and share it and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. I just feel guilty and stressed and kinda frustrated too. Besides the fact I’m kind of dreading having to lie down for sleep and have major troubles falling asleep like a while back. I appreciate if you’ve taken the time to read this and all comments.