I keep getting thoughts that I want to hurt myself

I’ve never experienced any feeling like this, but lately for the past few weeks I have had these really scary thoughts and graphic images pop into my head out of nowhere, and I can’t seem to get them to go away. Every day I have at least 3-4 moments where I’ll just be minding my own business, living life like normal, and i’ll see very typical things out in public that my mind takes and creates terrible ideas from. Like, i’ll see a bad car accident on the highway and for a moment i’ll wonder what it would be like to die in a car wreck (and or some reason it feels like a peaceful thought - dying so quickly and unexpectedly), or I’ll imagine a brick flying out of an eighteen-wheeler and smashing through my window into my face while i’m driving. It’s all very intense and graphic, and in the moment that i’m thinking about it, it feels like a comforting thought, until I snap back into reality and am terrified of my own mind. I feel like i’m going crazy. I don’t know if this is all attributed to my past traumas (i’ve been raped twice, locked in a window-less garage with no food or water for three days, have been a heroin addict and an alcoholic, suffered through 6 years of anorexia and bulimia, was naive enough to be lured into sex-trafficking that lasted 2.5 years, and I have been in one severely toxic relationships where I was beaten and given drugs so I would submit to sexual activities I’d otherwise would never do). I always came out of each of these situations with no issue, I just let it go and said “it is what it is” and I’d go on and be what I thought was “happy”. I have quit heroin cold-turkey as of a few months ago with only two instances of relapse that lasted two days each time, but I have never gone back to it with an addiction mindset. I have also quit binge-drinking as of 7 months ago, and now I only have a drink now and then (not nearly as much as before). I am now with my soon-to-be husband and we just moved out into a new place. I thought my life was seemingly fine, but lately I have been getting these horrendous thoughts that I should either hurt myself or commit suicide. It’s not always, but when the thoughts do come out of the blue, I feel like at any moment I will lose control and give in to them. I’m beggining not to trust myself, I have started intentionally scratching my skin with a thumbtack to feel pain (It’s weirdly comforting when I feel physical pain. It distracts me from the scary thoughts). I also have been diagnosed with betrayal trauma PTSD and have had ADHD my whole life. I just don’t know what to do because I’m starting to fear for my own life. I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to live sometimes. It’s all very confusing and came out of nowhere. I thought I was perfectly fine and happy. All these thoughts are completely out of left field and there were no warning signs. I don’t know what to do or how to make the thoughts and images go away

EFF_OCD

Date posted: 2y

Know you aren’t alone. With mental health, sometimes just existing is hard. Just know you don’t have to be believe everything you think. Your ocd is lying to you. Mine is doing the same Now about “it would All be easier if you just weren’t here”. I have to remind myself that all humans have these thoughts. All. Others just let them go easier than we do. Know that this will pass and you have much to live for And to look forward to.

AbbyHines

Date posted: 2y

I have experienced this theme as well and I'm so, so, sorry your having to go through this. It sounds like you're someone who really understands the deep value of life. Remember that those thoughts aren't really something you want, you have fought very hard not only to survive but to live a good and happy life. This kind of intrusive thought is well documented in all humans (not just those with OCD). Death is scary and a part of life for all of us. Of course we are going to think of it, and finding the idea peaceful can actually be very healthy as it allows you to enjoy your life without fearing death. Remember that your thoughts don't define your desires or your mental state. Try to shift your compulsion to something less harmful (snapping a band on your arm, going outside to take a deep breath or watching something funny) then, eventually when you are safer and more able start trying to resist the compulsions all together. You can break this cycle. Don't doubt that you were happy before. As a former addict you know that recovery isn't linear. Ocd is the same. You will have set backs, your condition will relapse. That doesn't mean you aren't doing well or getting better, it's just part of the process. Use this to learn how to cope so that you can use those skills later on. I promise you can do this and I know how much you love life.

Leo_Massie

Date posted: 23w

Constant intrusive thoughts about ending it (TW)

Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my “safety net” of all went wrong. I know it’s dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldn’t fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, I’ve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of it…. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often 😅), my mind says “kys”, “jump off a bridge”, and so on. It’s like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortable… I’m trying to get better. I don’t want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, it’s kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. I’m too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts they’ve turned into. It kind of feels like it’ll never go away.

Roseptlss

Date posted: 20w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

laladracu

Date posted: 15w

a thought?

I cant get over this thought that is messing my recovery up so much. it was “if you dont act on your thoughts this will never go away” which led to thoughts like if i even wanted to get better, if i even want my life back, if i even WANTED this to go away, etc. im scared. im confused. is this normal? am i gonna have to act on this stuff now? im mainly concerned about my family. i dont wanna hurt them. this disease is horrible. this subtype is horrible. i love my family. why would i want to hurt them? im so afraid this is it for me. i try to do what everyone tells me. ignore the thought, let it sit, sit with the uncertainty/discomfort but the anxiety doesn’t go away. this thought keeps coming back with a vengeance. i thought i was making great progress but im back where i was. i ruminate about this 24/7 and i dont know how to stop. we tried sitting on the couch together last night and it felt like i was RESISTING hurting them. im in constant awareness that i can act on these anytime and it hinders my daily life and work so much. everytime i talk to anyone in my family i feel things like i shouldnt be talking to them if im gonna hurt them and i dont deserve to be around them. i feel like i dont deserve to be alive, i dont deserve to be happy, and i dont deserve to be comfortable. i feel like a psycho whos never gonna get to live life with a husband and family. i feel like i don’t deserve my sweet boyfriend. i dont want my thoughts to latch onto him. this is my mind when i wake up, when i try to go about my day, and when i go to sleep. it feels like it just wont dissipate regardless of what i do. the cycle never ends. its been 4 MONTHS. what the fuck do i do anymore

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I keep getting thoughts that I want to hurt myself

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