Parents

TRIGGER WARNING Made on Sunday: So, my brother just came home today from a 4 month stay because he had gone manic and made some major threats. He had attacked someone too…. So, I was super anxious. He seems to be alright, but I’m still worried that he’ll hurt my parents or pets, and that I’ll snap if he does. Maybe I’m overthinking it?? I just don’t wanna go into a rage episode and hurt him, because he is my baby brother. *sigh* Since I was anxious earlier, I kept passing out repeatedly and started seizing afterwards. I’m just exhausted and sad and feel bad because I get scared and frustrated and tell my fiancé to break up with me. I know he won’t I’m just scared I’ll hurt everyone around me unintentionally. I’m tired of being in constant pain, I’m tired of the constant emotional rollercoasters, I’m tired of not being able to do or help with pretty much anything; I’m just tired. I don’t mean to bring anyone down, I just needed to vent. And I’m sorry I’m not on here all the time, I have a very strict schedule. And that’s another thing!! I feel so helpless because I can’t do anything. Mom gets frustrated because I refuse to do things or have to do them later and I wish she could just understand. I am doing my damndest to even stand up. I have so much vertigo (dizziness) from the pain I’m in and it really takes a toll. I want to help, to do extra like I used to. But I keep falling and the pain becomes unbearable. The pain meds aren’t working and so that’s gone out the window. I guess it just hurts because she gives me that look like I’m supposed to know what’s going on. I know she’s stressed with having to do everything, taking care of my brother, and her insane workload, so I’m giving her some slack, but it’s still hard. I wish she new how bad I work just to live my life.

Okay. So, for those who have seen my previous posts, you are probably well versed in what I have been going through, but I feel like venting again. 😅 So, my brother came home from the hospital (because of SI), and I'm extremely on edge from that. Bro has the F*CKING AUDACITY to mock me when I'm in pain, sigh, cry, or laugh. When he used to do that, he would smack/punch/kick/etc. me, and I got in trouble with DCFS for hitting back (1 1/2 years ago), so now I can't have kids until I'm 21 (I'll be 18 in 9 days), otherwise, they'll be taken away. I cannot laugh, joke (I'm the queen of dad jokes), cry, TALK in a silly voice, sing (my main stress relief, even if it's excruciating), or anything along the lines of expressing myself without him becoming "triggered" because it's a "boundary." I AIN'T DOING SH*T TO HIM. I MOSTLY STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND GET SNAPPED AT FOR TALKING TO >OUR< PARENTS. I don't want to go home at the end of the day, to be honest. I'm soo f*cking DONE with all this BULLSH*T!!! I overheard my dad telling my mom that he thinks my brother and I are just "faking" and "attention seeking." HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FAKE A SEIZURE??? OR MY LEG RANDOMLY CONVULSING. I DON'T F*CKING WANT BRUISES EVERYWHERE! I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN THE F*CKING >>STAIRS<<!!!! So then my OCD goes into overdrive, telling me that I'm not in pain, that I am faking everything, that there is nothing wrong with me, and to stop lying. That the memories of falling down the stairs are just fake and lies, even though I have the bruises to prove it. I don't get dizzy, I don't stumble, and I don't see stars when I CLEARLY AM. I'm so TIRED. My anxiety is going INSANE, so of course my BPD mood swings have to as well, so that's just f*cking PERFECT!! Absof*ckinglutely PERFECT. I'm tired of my body not working properly, I HATE my body. I HATE my personality because of how insanely unpredictable it causes me to be. I HATE how helpless I feel. I just want to make my family happy. I want them to love me. I don't want to be a burden anymore. 💔😢

I had like a really bad argument with my mom basically about her complaining about my “attitude” and “constant arrogance” like okay firstly 😭 yes i do have an attitude and am irritable but im not THAT bad 😭🙏 she was saying that im a “pest” and that “its not enjoyable to live with someone who makes other people miserable” like 😅🧍‍♀️ oh ☺️ and then i tell her that i know im struggling and that im going to therapy to try to get better and trying to possibly get a diagnosis and she says “your generation just wants something to deal with. You want something to be wrong with you. ‘Trying to get better’ isn’t good enough… would you be able to stand someone like yourself? You’re just choosing this antisocial, narcissistic behaviour and harass everyone… You need to pull yourself together. No matter how much effort we put into you, you will never be happy. You want some medicine? Some diagnosis? Because that will solve everything?” 😭😭😭 and the way she said “some medication”- she sounded so disgusted and appalled and now i feel ashamed… i mean im not officially diagnosed with ocd and it is never my intention to self diagnose- but im sorry its VERY obvious when you have ocd and know of ocd- its so distinct. Everything- the compulsions, reassurance, intrusive thoughts, themes, patterns, perfectionism- but she has me overthinking- what if i dont have ocd 😭 and ive just been lying to myself and everyone maybe its not ocd and im just sick in the head or trying to self sabotage- and especially when my supposed ocd is calm or not as loud i get so anxious “what if i dont have ocd…”