Feeling alone

A bit yeah, adjusting to a lot and it's just hard, got back pain too and still hard on myself always

Just feel like I messed up my whole life, my ocd focused on my feelings at the gym, I lifted wrong now I got a degenerative disc in my back and I'm still hard on myself, my ocd therapist and other therapist think it's depression too, I'm isolated and I just don't see a lot of meaning right now, I'm tired

@ZackOlson22 I see. I understand the feelings with ocd and how frustrating and exhausting it is. What feelings did you have at the gym? I’m really hard on myself too but the best advice I’ve heard is to really be compassionate towards yourself. You gotta really nurture you and speak out loud to you. It sounds corny but it’s very important. I’m getting you being hard on yourself like at the gym shows a sign of dedication so that’s a great thing

@ZackOlson22 Ah ok. So you would have intrusive thoughts while you’re active w weights. Remember ocd loves to attach to anything that surrounds your fear or likings. This might be similar but At my old job, I would have to leave the building with good thoughts and if I would cross the gate with an intrusive thought, even if I was a mile down I would have to drive back to go back inside the parking lot and get out of the gate to have good thoughts. Every little gesture and compulsion I did at that job I would Have really bad intrusive thoughts where if I didn’t touch something something would happen. You have to allow yourself to just not do the compulsion and remember that OCD is attaching itself to your biggest fears or the things you like. I go to the gym and I have contamination OCD but I still go because it makes me happy. I really hope that if going to the gym makes you happy that you will go back. It’s exhausting but you have to remind yourself and allow yourself the exposure/s

@Monitica I thought about going tonight for a bit now, maybe an hour just to do the exposure, and yeah I would have intrusive thoughts about everything while working out and having that perfect feeling. One time I even went into the bathroom in hopes of praying and everything would be good and it only gave short term relief giving into that thought, then I go right back to obsessing, I am going to try to go and do the best I can without giving into the compulsions, I can't do the feelings and that really made sense too, you need to have all of these certainties before moving forward.

@ZackOlson22 Yes. Exposures are so hard, I hate it and do a hundred compulsions a day so exposure is worth it. It’s good to practice. Start small if you need it. Allow to sit w your thoughts and give yourself the reminders that ocd likes to attach. With exposure, you allow yourself to be ok with the uncertainty but also rewire your brain that its your ocd. again be kind to yourself no matter what Yourself.

@Monitica Maybe I'm just rushing myself, I don't even go to church anymore either because it felt like an obsession, buying bibles compulsively and then the gym, I just want to focus on what really gets me, I'm sorry I keep going on and on, I'm beating myself up so much. Whatever I want to do ocd just latches on to it, I'm glad I learned that, I'm in pain and still obsessing over stupid crap, I'm sorry for going on and on

@Monitica Thanks monitica for helping me, I just need someone to talk to and it helps, I'm lucky to have you guys

@Monitica I couldn't go in it wouldn't let me tonight, but I'm taking it as a sign, I want to think on everything we talked about

@ZackOlson22 Don’t be sorry. I appreciate you opening up. Try not to beat yourself up and say positive things like you’re trying and it’s not easy but it’s not you, ocd is a pain. If you feel like you’re rushing it, then it’s ok, take your time. You got this. One day at a time and talk as much as you need to :)

@Monitica I'll definitely try, I've read parts of the ocd workbook and I wrote some stuff down but definitely, one day at a time and I seriously appreciate you talking to me, ocd is a pain

@ZackOlson22 It’s a pain for sure. I struggle everyday so you’re not alone. One day at a time and be kind to yourself. We dont choose to be this way you know? It’s just our fears and the brain wiring so that’s why we have to try and beat it by one exposure at a time . Baby steps