- Date posted
- 2y
HOCD/OCD recovery path
Hi everyone I wanted to share my journey as long as it can help someone. I currently suffer from HOCD, I’ve had OCD for years and my themes kept changing over time: Health OCD, Existential OCD and Harm OCD were my main ones even if now they seem irrelevant! I started having HOCD one day after reading a book where a very descriptive gay sexual scene made me have some type of arousal. Since then I’ve fallen into the trap of what if I am gay ? What if I fall in love with a women ? Omg as a women I always look at other women and notice how pretty or ugly they are what does it mean ? I’ve watched threesome porn in the past with two girls and a boy what does it mean ? Etc etc you name it !! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and I love him dearly, so having these thoughts were really distressing. And prior to that I always was in straight relationships, never even kissed a girl lol. I guess all of us with HOCD have similar thoughts, but lately I’ve been recovering and I wanted to show some tips: First of all groinal happens to everyone. The less I’ve focused on it and I accepted it the less I’ve been having it. Now it’s nearly gone. Obviously having groinal comes from focusing on it and ruminating on a intrusive sexual thought. So in order to have it gone you need to stop ruminating and stop paying attention to it. If you have it , so be it, but it doesn’t mean anything. ERP is key!!! People think ERP need to be extreme such as looking at porn or seeing a gay movie but no. Treat every thought and every day as ERP until your recover. When an intrusive thought pops up refrain from doing compulsions. This means googling, looking for reassurance on OCD websites like NOCD, mental checking or memory checking. People reading that post right now might be seeking reassurance. After this post. STOP. Taking control of your OCD and stop feeding it. The goal here is to live a fulfilled life without letting intrusive thoughts and fear take control of it. I thought I couldn’t do it but when you try it really does work. Yes, you can feel uncomfortable and maybe anxious but with time it does go away. Anxiety never stays a 10, it will be less and less until it becomes a 2. It may seem like you want to jump yourself out of a window but it’s fine anxiety will not kill you. My form of ERP which works the best is natural exposures which means not giving into my compulsion if ever I see a girl I consider ‘pretty’, avoid someone because I know he/she is gay, avoid series with gay content. As an example, recently, I went to my hairdresser that I am very good friends with (she has been my hairdresser for over 7 years!!). Ironically last time she said to me she was gay. My anxiety went up through the roof above a 10 I wanted to run away as fast as I can but what could I do ? Escape when I have bleach on my hair ? Nope, i won’t let OCD ruin my hair and I was forced for the first time to sit with the anxiety and interact with her as nothing changed. Leaving the hairdresser I realised: I was able to stay 3h with my hairdresser and I barely gave into my compulsions. The worst scenario in my HOCD themed happened I had to spend time with someone that is gay and what happened ? Nothing. I did not magically become gay and nothing horrible happened, it was like every single time she did my hair! Since this experience I barely have been doing compulsions even when my mind scream at me I’m just like ‘meh’ that is the response OCD deserve. It’s been nearly 10 days and I feel better. The thoughts are less loud, I feel more like myself. My OCD is still here but it’s a background chatter. I’m comfortable with the idea of uncertainty and not engaging with my thoughts to know now for sure. With time I also feel more confident about my identity and values. What do I care about ? My boyfriend, life and happiness. What do I give a damn about the what ifs and what could my life be in x y z scenarios? Finally thoughts and actions are different. A thought is not action, it is not real and it is not a truth. You don’t get fear and anxiety on something you like or want even through your thoughts are making it seem true for you. Even if you don’t have anxiety and just the thought that is fine. You are recovering. I often get other intrusive thoughts. For example, when I see the tube pass by my OCD mind tells me what if I jump ? What if I push someone ? However, because it is not my ‘main theme’ I’m like ‘meh whatever it’s just a thought’. Treat your main theme in exactly the same way. The only difference is, it is your main theme cause it a ‘bad thought’ and your OCD feeds on it making you feel anxious, distressed and disgusted. Also don’t feed on the past. My biggest worry was that in uni I was straight and boy crazy but as 90% of the straight girls I know I already fantasised about threesomes with girls and a boy etc.. does it mean I am gay and I want to have sex with a girl ? Nope. I know some people that watched gay porn, others that had an experience but they are still straight and identify as straight. I also fantasised about cheating on my boyfriend, and sleeping with an older guy, but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen at all. As sexual being we can fantasise about everything, even fries if we want to. Treat your past actions as an exposure. So what ? You did things and thought of things in the past because you were a teen/young adult and you grew up it’s chill! We all change. If you were something else you would have known by now. Finally the biggest tip I can give is irrelevance. As long as you don’t see OCD as being irrelevant it will linger. Keep focusing on ERP, stop avoidance and stop googling. Be yourself and be happy. You can recover. I am seeing a light out of that dark tunnel I’ve been in for months. We can all do it. Good luck guys ❤️