- Date posted
- 2y
Very afraid and spiraling
I'm at an all time low today after something that had happened. I've been doing so well with recovery and getting out of my comfort zone and doing what I want to do. Now it feels like I'm back at squared one. I'm so scared for my life and my morality. During class today, when it ended, I packed my things while getting ready to leave. While zipping up my backpack, my elbow touched a woman's butt as she tried to pass through to leave. She noticed it, I noticed it, and it was so awkward that I couldn't say anything and tried my best to not get messed up from it. She left before I even got a chance to get up, and as soon as I left for the stairs, the thoughts came in. Hard. Thoughts saying I wanted that to happen, thoughts saying I liked it, thoughts saying that I planned it. Twice my heart sank because of it, then I went to reassuring. It feels like all of my progress has plummeted. What if I meant to do that? What if she thinks I'm horrible? What if I get reported or charged with something or if my life is ruined? This is what I'm worried about throughout the entire day. I don't even know if I want to go to my class tomorrow... I wasn't even focused on this woman now that I think about it. There's another older woman in my class that I find cute and sometimes I look at her. Sometimes we talk, sometimes not. But it's cool when we do. I just want to be able to move past this with confidence but it feels like I just screwed up my entire life with this one thing that lasted for like 2 seconds.