my ocd….. i don’t know what it is classified as

i have physically challenging ocd, whereas soon as i get up in the morning or anytime i overstimulate my body by doing excessive movements of odd physical activity such as jumping on one leg, doing things with my eyes shut to make it more challenging, balancing on one leg (i focus mostly on my left leg since it’s my non dominant leg) and all while doing this counting to a certain number, right now it’s 19 , but it’ll go in sequences throughout the day any where from counting | 13,14,15 | 17,18,19 | 30,40,50 | 69,77,79 | 87,88,89 | 97,98,99 | those all separately but in threes, 0-100 and every number in between, and many more all over the place, i stretch or burn myself out to a very extreme extent and i don’t stop until my muscles in a certain area feel as though they are going to give out from the immense excruciating pain which leads me to intense crying pain some of the time, it has gotten better in terms of the crying with medicine. i don’t consider it hurting myself because its internal muscle tearing which builds muscle just like a workout in a way and makes me sweat most of the time. i cant bring myself to do a “normal” workout because that’s all i did in the past but it’s not as effective, but it’s ruining my mental health. it’s keeping me in some what shape of some sort and i’m not sure why r where it came from or how. i’m scared of gaining weight of any sort but i’m not scared of food or eating i even have trouble overeating sometimes then not eating the next day for a long while, sorta like fasting but not with the right foods, i still eat a ton of fruit, meat and occasional vegetables just don’t drink enough water and a lot of juice n lemonade usually but not ever pop. i just find this all so embarrassing especially with my social anxiety. i don’t ever do this around other people but i’ve caught myself in public or other peoples houses doing this when no one’s around and i hate myself deeply for it. my mind keeps me from ever talking about this to any family because they judge me all the time for every little thing. only my boyfriend knows and i’m beyond grateful for him and all the support he’s given me. this is all beyond debilitating and keeps me from doing every day normal tasks and routines and going out or doing anything even remotely productive as well as keeps me from having a job. like anything n anyone i have good days and bad days so sometimes i’m more normal in a sense and others i’m completely spastic, compulsive, impulsive. i’ve never heard of anyone who goes through this same detriment that i feel as well, is there anyone out there?

Dayzemay12

Date posted: 2y

I found myself being exactly the same with the gym. I became sooo obsessed that I couldn’t think of anything else. I became physically and mentally drained. I kept going almost everyday for nearly 11 months after my sister passed away as a way to cope and then it consumed me. In a non enjoyable way. But because I was having great weight loss and building lots of muscle, every time I tried to talk to someone they would say oh stop it your doing amazing! Your doing great! No one could deeply understand when I would be devastated that I wasn’t seeing more progress or the extreme guilt id have for not feeling sweaty enough or exerted enough. That’s not even mentioning the days I’d have rest day 😥😥 xxx

noriiiii

Date posted: 2y

@Dayzemay12 i feel so guilty too especially when i even eat a bite of something “bad” i feel like i have to work it off and then some, more than the average person. Also, sorry about your sister, and yes i feel the same with never feeling worked out enough , sweaty enough in that good way of knowing you got your heart rate up and sweat toxins or/and burned calories and fat away, but honestly it makes you feel even worse mentally and the repetition especially every day no matter what is going on for me is beyond draining , difficult , tiring and thank you for sharing that with me i hope you are doing better

madalyndicie...

Date posted: 25w

hello everyone 🤍

i’ve been dealing with this “thing” since i was 15. (i’m 23 now) if i have a bad memory that i have done when i was really young or just an intrusive thought i feel like i need to tell my mom or boyfriend. it’s been on and off ever since but since January hit it’s been an everyday thing about the littlest things. mostly about my relationship. an example is i was talking to someone random at my job and we were talking about taxes and when im in deep thought or just thinking i do a thing where i bite my lip (not in the sexual way) and i had a thought when it happened “was that sexual?” and i felt like i did something wrong and i went for a while thinking that until i told my boyfriend about it. or like my ex’s face has popped up in my head in the most inappropriate times and i feel the need that i have to tell him. (my ex was not a good person) i feel like im a prisoner in my head everyday, trying to justify thoughts or remind myself that its just a thought. i didnt know that this was or could be a form of ocd. it runs in my family but i’ve just never considered it being this. i always called it anxiety or depression but i always felt like it is more than that.

Imsexybutimi...

Date posted: 11w

Do I have ocd

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help

jupiter

Date posted: 8w

I don’t know how to live anymore

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

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my ocd….. i don’t know what it is classified as

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