Trust Broken

I think it’s just hard for them to understand, although I have explained things a lot to my mum and she understands she still finds it bizzarre. Sometimes I will tell her about an intrusive thought and she will say ‘why would you want to do that?’ Or ‘what has the cat done wrong to you?’ And there’s been other things but those sorts of questions really make me feel like there’s something wrong with me, just try not to take it to heart, they haven’t been through this so they don’t always understand, maybe take time to try and explain about this problem more

This was the hardest part of treating OCD for me. On top of the suffering from OCD we also have to educate our family members and be patient with their misunderstandings. When people who are close to us are first informed of our distress, it's likely that they will go through grief. It's a good sign, because it means they care about you, but often the first stage of processing grief is denial. I would talk to your therapist to see if they can offer some education to your mother. If you can tolerate it, they might be able to attend therapy with you so you are on the same page.

I literally feel so betrayed and I feel extremely awful about myself now

I agree with lu22. Trying to truly understand and relate yo something that you have not gone through yourself is impossible. Your mom is seeing your issues through a lens that doesn't see your issues in the same way. If she isn't educated on what's going on with you the reaction makes a lot of sense. We will probably never know what drives a person to actually be composed to kill, hurt or rape someone vs having an intense fear that that is what you want. People who go through that are not scared that they may or may not want to. It's probably closer to the feeling that an addict gets when they "need their fix".