I don’t know how much longer I can cope with this ?

Is this my life now? A loop of fears and panic? Freshman year.. two years ago is when all this started. When I began my journey with this debilitating and scary disorder. For a while I felt like everything was okay. Like things were getting better. But tonight it’s getting so bad. I’m shaking, the thoughts are literally making my body enter fight or flight. The feelings.. the thoughts it all feels so real. It makes me question every aspect of who I am.. Is this forever? Will this be my life? If it is, that sounds like pain.. I constantly check myself.. which ain’t realize might be a compulsion. But I wonder, am I lying to myself? But then again I wouldn’t fear it so much if what I felt was true. I try to stay calm, to not fight the thought but let it pass. But it only grows in power. It’s been giving me these fake feelings. Things in which i’d never felt before. I just want to be okay. And I wonder if that’s even possible anymore. All I know is that I have my family, my Mom, everyone who loves me dearly. Please anyone… I don’t want to beg but if you could give me some motivation or positive words i’d love that.

I feel so bad right now, I feel like I’m back being in a dark place, I feel so convinced that I am attracted to these things like I genuinely feel like I am, and that it makes me agree with it, because it feels so strong… I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m getting in a dark place, I tried to see if my therapist was available and she hasn’t been available since September 17th, before my breakup, before my OCD got even worse. I feel like shit right now and I don’t know why to do anymore, I just want the pain to end so bad… I just don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m not trying to imply anything bad, but like genuinely give up. I just can’t handle any sort of photo of a kid anymore.

I feel so freaking scared. I know I’ll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know I’m going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc I’m still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. I’m sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I can’t do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me I’d die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.