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///////// I’ve lived my life so badly. I’ve made such horrible decisions as the result of the first bad decision that I still feel guilty about and I haven’t realized the real weight of them until now. I feel I’m sinking further and further and further and I’m too much a coward to amend any of this. I don’t even know how. I never imagined that this would be the kind of person I would end up being. I’m so ashamed. I don’t know what to do. I have to fix this but I don’t even know if I can even take the first steps. I guess I have to try and forgive myself first but I don’t know if I should. I don’t know anything. And I don’t want or need sympathy. I know I don’t deserve that. I don’t even know why I’m posting here

Username: Marc DMarc D

Date posted: 2y ago

OCD amplifies guilt and responsibility a lot. It's like a magnifying glass. Try to put down the magnifying glass. If you still think you have amends to make, maybe you can identify one small step towards doing that. Something you can manage without a lot of effort. Most of all - don't believe everything you think! Most of it is just noise.

Username: iamworthyiamworthy

Date posted: 2y ago

@Marc D Thank you for this magnifying glass analogy. I needed this.

Username: snvasnva

Date posted: 2y ago

@Marc D Thank you for this message. I know I did something wrong and I ended up distancing myself from people because of it. And they didn’t deserve that they were probably so confused and hurt if they noticed. And now I want to be close again but I feel they should know about my mistake because I distanced myself and came back.. I feel that’s not right on them to play with their feelings. It’s a bit shameless of me. I guess that’s me using a magnifying glass but I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel like a person anymore. All I wanted is for them to be happy but the fact that I did this probably meant I didn’t care enough about them and was just doing it for my own self interest.

Username: LalilolouLalilolou

Date posted: 2y ago

@snva This is somehting I’m struggling with too! Are they not even hurt by you? Or completely unaware of your mistake? I always wonder, if you remember you did something wrong to someone but they don’t remember, is it worth bringing it upto to resolve your own guilt or is it what’s best for them? Or would it cause more problems for them?

Username: snvasnva

Date posted: 2y ago

@Lalilolou They are not aware. And that is what I was thinking as well. You shouldn’t bring up every single wrong thing you did but if it hurts them isn’t it necessary? But it would hurt. That’s why I thought it would be better if they didnt like me as much so it would be less hard on them when I finally told them what I did. But it’s been so long now. I can’t even imagine how to bring it up. And I know my guilt wouldn’t be resolved if I told them. But don’t they deserve to know why I distanced myself? If they noticed. And they probably did though I hope they didn’t but why wouldn’t they. lol.

Username: snvasnva

Date posted: 2y ago

@Lalilolou But thank you for this, I will think of what to do

Username: TPDTPD

Date posted: 2y ago

I can promise you this: 99% of the time, when people with OCD are viewed by outsiders, their problems seem so minimal they barely count as problems. OCD loves to trip us up and treat us badly, but I can promise that even if your mistake was genuinely “bad”, it’s almost always nothing that defines you. We all do bad things, and OCD is like a bully that reminds us of our worst moments and defines us as them. Take care, and try resisting those thoughts. Let them in and out without interacting. Don’t give into them.

Username: snvasnva

Date posted: 2y ago

@TPD Thank you. I am trying to look at it from that perspective but it was a mistake I honestly never imagined myself doing. It’s been over two years and every day I think about it. I feel that it’s altered me as a human being

Username: TPDTPD

Date posted: 2y ago

@snva I feel the same way abt some of my mistakes, but people do some really shitty things and still deserve forgiveness. Just try and allow that uncertainty in. I know it’s not very helpful, but good luck.

Username: LalilolouLalilolou

Date posted: 2y ago

You absolutely deserve sympathy and a beautiful life! Just because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t make you any less of a beautiful person! You’re someone who has learned and grown through time! I’m struggling with a lot of the same things as you but I think the key is definitely self compassion and understanding yoir world view and intentions when you made mistakes Ans how you’ve grown since. Accepting that everyone is human and capable of good and bad acts on a continuum of time and it doesn’t make them good or bad people❤️

Username: snvasnva

Date posted: 2y ago

@Lalilolou This made me cry. I don’t know if there will ever be a day I believe this about myself but thank you for this nonetheless. Hope you’re having a good day.

Username: LalilolouLalilolou

Date posted: 2y ago

@snva I hope you’re having a beautiful day❤️ I believe that for others but am struggling to believe it for myself too so I hope we both get there🥰 and I forgive you for whatever you did😂 just the fact that you feel bad about it shows that you’ve grown and the fact that ocd has latched onto it shows that it’s against your morals and your very being! You’re a beautiful person never forget that🥰

Username: Magzzz

Date posted: 2y ago

How can I ever forgive myself?…

How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a teenager (maybe 15 through 18 or 19 I don’t remember exactly) when at the time I had no bad intentions I just didn’t understand what I was getting into? How can I forgive myself for being so dumb? I should of known. But unfortunately now dealing with real event and other themes trying to find “proof” it’s so exhausting and unsettling especially when the worst case scenario about my self and my past comes up literally every day and I have to fight it with “maybe, maybe not”…when will it ever go away. Do I even deserve for it to go away? No matter who I’ve told whether it was a parent or a therapist they all say the same thing…….let it go……..how am I supposed to do that. I want to do great things in life. I want to make up for all I have done wrong. I want to help people but I can’t even help myself. I hate myself. I don’t even like myself at all. I would go back in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this mental hell. Will I ever be ok again…….

Username: cmim2077

Date posted: 1y ago

Real Event spiral (currently in hell)

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 48w ago

I’m tired

I don’t really know what to do anymore I feel bad all the time and when I take my medicine I feel bad for not feeling bad all these memories are on repeat in my head and it doesn’t stop. I’m convinced i’m the worst person ever and I deserve everything bad that happens to me and I think I do. I did things that are actually bad and I don’t know how to fix them and the guilt eats away at me i feel like i’m living a lie and hiding my dirty secrets from everyone. It’s like how could I have not realized these things were wrong. I feel disgusted with myself and I don’t know what to do

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