☹️ confessing

Less than a year ago, I had a very big anxiety flare up to the point that I felt as though I needed to report to the police / harm myself. I ended up leaving an anonymous tip at the police hotline about something that I know I didn’t even do but everything told me I had to or else I will go to jail. And similarly after that I called the help line and explained I had unwanted intrusive thoughts and I didn’t think I deserved to live for having those thoughts. After these many months and working with my therapist, I’ve been able to feel a lot less anxious around this topic and now I’m getting lots of anxiety about what I did that time when I was so anxious. I gave in to my compulsions and confessed for stuff that I know sounds bad saying out loud but only certain people will understand I would never do. So now I’m just looking for someone to relate and perhaps let me know that I don’t have anything to worry about? I know it’s bad to seek reassurance but I’m not sure where to go. And I’m worried I’m going to keep incriminating myself.

Basically, I've kept a secret from my family, specifically parents, for a couple of years now. This isn't something I'm proud of. It just sort of happened, and then I stupidly kept digging a deeper hole, fearing how they'd react. But tonight, my mom and I were talking, and she brought up how a few years back, she'd stopped talking to my aunt (for about a year) after they got into a disagreement/argument. Long story short, my aunt lied about a decision she'd made due to the fear of how her parents would react. The only person who knew the truth was my mom. My mom said she didn't like how my aunt was hiding this from the rest of the family because it felt like "manipulating their reactions," in a way. My aunt's since told the rest of the family, and everything ended up okay. They talk all the time now. But this conversation with my mom really hit me. It's embarrassing to admit, but there were these online courses I was supposed to be taking. But I fell behind due to no motivation and probably no self-discipline. And initially, the lie I told was small. I planned to catch up, so I didn't see the issue. But then I could never get through the lessons. I couldn't pay attention, I'd space out, go on my phone, get distracted, or fall asleep. I don't know if it's just laziness or lack of motivation. I'd been really depressed back then. But still, I've barely gotten through any of it. Out of guilt, fear, or shame, I kept building onto this lie that I was getting through the coursework. But I wasn't. I've carried all this guilt, yet I've never worked up the courage to be honest because I feel like I'd lose their trust forever, or they'd use it against me. And part of me thinks they'd have a right to react that way. I feel selfish for keeping this to myself. For lying and building onto the lie continuously over the last couple of years. I'm so ashamed, but I kept telling myself that I'd bounce back, but I just never did. I needed help, but I was too afraid to reach out for it. I just really need advice, I guess. Despite all of this, I really hate lying. It feels icky, and it only ever exacerbates things. I've been so open with my parents about everything except this. And I don't want that. I know I need to be honest with them, but I don't know how. I'm still afraid, but continuing to hide this is worse. I love my parents. I'm just terrified of disappointing them, or them losing all trust in me. I think my mom using the word, "manipulating," while describing my aunts situation and the reason for keeping her secret really sent my mind spiraling with all these terrible "what ifs" on how my parents might react. I feel terrible, and I've felt guilty for a long time, but... Yeah, I don't know. I'd appreciate advice, or just... thoughts. I don't know at this point. I'll take anything 😭🙏🏻 I'm thinking about telling my psychiatrist about all of this when I next see her, if anything.

This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.