A week ago I was fine. Or at least better than other moments, so the anxiety started to reduce. At the beginning I was like "Great!" but then on Sunday I started to notice it more and more and I started to worry that maybe the lack of anxiety meant I just dont love him anymore. These past 3 days have been all about thinking and analyzing if I truly stopped loving him or if its rOCD. What has been worrying me is that I havent gone to a professional yet, so I havent been diagnosed with OCD. I never have; I have never gone to a psychologist. However, all of this started like 3 almost 4 months ago and I had such a bad time. I didnt even want to get out of bed to face how I was feeling because I wanted to feel happy with my boyfriend, but 3 weeks ago I found out about rOCD and I read about the obsessions and compulsions and it was like describing me. I instantly felt a relief to know that there was not necessarily something bad with my relationship or my boyfriend, it could be just rOCD. So I have been trying to work on ot but sometimes I just give in. And these 3 days I havent really felt anxiety so I have just been thinking and analyzing to see if it is because I dont want to be with him anymore. Right now I feel nothing, I have been creating scenarios of me just being with my partner to see how I feel and sometimes I only imagine me feeling like I have been feeling these months. I even imagined myself breaking up with him just to see how I would feel and in one moment I even felt sick to think about it, but then I imagined that again and I felt nothing and that scared me because I dont want to stop loving him. I dont want that, I want to be with him and I want to feel all the love that he deserves and Im scared because I dont even know if this is actually rOCD because I practically self-diagnosed. Sorry for this guys, I guess Im just venting because I feel terrible right now! Once again Im at the point in which I feel a little uncomfortable when he tells me he loves me because I start to question "Do i feel it too? How do I feel when i read that he loves me? What if I tell him I love him but I dont and hurt him?" Im just tired of feeling this way.

Thank you so so so much!♡ Im probably going to see a professional next week but I dont think she specializes in OCD and I feel they will just think I dont love my boyfriend and that I just am not able to face that truth. But reading this gives me hope because sometimes I feel like I cant do this on my own or that I will never feel fine again, and Im constantly afraid of not loving my boyfriend anymore. Ill give it a try ti what you commented, seriously, thank you♡♡♡

I understand you. It can be expensive. And I totally understand that fear. That's why it's important to go to someone who specializes in OCD if you decide to see a professional. Other types of therapists will not be helpful in treating OCD in particular. If you're interested in resources, I recommend checking out the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) website. There's also some great therapists on Instagram who post helpful content. Some of my favorites are @kimberleyquinlan @mindonfire_ocd @yourmindisamuscle and @theshrinkwrap I've also heard of a YouTuber named Ali Greymond who posts videos on OCD. I highly recommend listening to the OCD Stories podcast--they even have episodes focused on ROCD in particular. Here's also a link to a workbook I have that has sections on different themes of OCD, including ROCD: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Workbook-OCD-Overcoming-Compulsions/dp/1608828786/ref=mp_s_a_1_2_sspa?keywords=ocd+workbook&qid=1559792402&s=gateway&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1 It's possible to treat yourself for OCD without a therapist. It may be more challenging, but it's worth it ♡

Have you gone through periods in which you feel like you dont feel anything? Like not even towards your partner? I dont know if that is a result of the backdoor spike or what but it also scares me

I feel for you. I can relate to a lot of what you're experiencing. Is there any reason you haven't gone to a psychiatrist?

Well, I dont have the money. And also Im afraid they will tell me that I dont really love my partner or that I dont have OCD and I will have to face like my true feelings. Im terrified of that.

Yes, I've gone through that. There have been times I feel completely emotionless and just indifferent toward my boyfriend.

Reading parts of your post was like reading something that I wrote myself last month... After discovering the existence of ROCD I feel so much better most of the time because I feel normal and it makes so much sense, like everything fits. I know what the trigger was and I understand now why my brain reacted the way it did. I still relapse every few days but it only lasts for a little bit because I think I know how to fight it now. I was wondering if you have any updates? Did you end up seeing the professional? How are you feeling now a days?