A week ago I was fine. Or at least better than other moments, so the anxiety started to reduce. At the beginning I was like "Great!" but then on Sunday I started to notice it more and more and I started to worry that maybe the lack of anxiety meant I just dont love him anymore. These past 3 days have been all about thinking and analyzing if I truly stopped loving him or if its rOCD. What has been worrying me is that I havent gone to a professional yet, so I havent been diagnosed with OCD. I never have; I have never gone to a psychologist. However, all of this started like 3 almost 4 months ago and I had such a bad time. I didnt even want to get out of bed to face how I was feeling because I wanted to feel happy with my boyfriend, but 3 weeks ago I found out about rOCD and I read about the obsessions and compulsions and it was like describing me. I instantly felt a relief to know that there was not necessarily something bad with my relationship or my boyfriend, it could be just rOCD. So I have been trying to work on ot but sometimes I just give in. And these 3 days I havent really felt anxiety so I have just been thinking and analyzing to see if it is because I dont want to be with him anymore. Right now I feel nothing, I have been creating scenarios of me just being with my partner to see how I feel and sometimes I only imagine me feeling like I have been feeling these months. I even imagined myself breaking up with him just to see how I would feel and in one moment I even felt sick to think about it, but then I imagined that again and I felt nothing and that scared me because I dont want to stop loving him. I dont want that, I want to be with him and I want to feel all the love that he deserves and Im scared because I dont even know if this is actually rOCD because I practically self-diagnosed. Sorry for this guys, I guess Im just venting because I feel terrible right now! Once again Im at the point in which I feel a little uncomfortable when he tells me he loves me because I start to question "Do i feel it too? How do I feel when i read that he loves me? What if I tell him I love him but I dont and hurt him?" Im just tired of feeling this way.

For the past 3 months ish I’ve been struggling on and off with this anxiety and fixation over my relationship. To wondering if i still have feelings for an old friend, wondering if i actually love him, wondering if the thoughts are all real and im just trying to cover it up with ocd. It sucks, when im talking to my boyfriend i feel fine. The words i love you and talks about the future come naturally. I can’t imagine myself with anyone but him. But this constant rumination on my relationship is KILLING me and I’m scared it’s going to ruin what i have. It makes me numb and disconnected which therefore makes me believe the thoughts even more. They just feel so real sometimes and it’s so scary like why can i not just enjoy it. We’ve been together for a while so i know there’s periods of like feelings ebb and flowing but this is so much more. It’s just constantly sitting on my chest with anxiety. My compulsions are coming on this app, looking at photos of us and confessing it to him. He’s very understanding and helpful. I love him so much. I just need help / I’m also just starting new meds as well ..

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?