Past events OCD??

I have Autism. Today i got angry infront of my nearly 7months old niece who lives with us. I was shouting at my mum and my niece was sitting on my mums lap facing me. As i was shouting i snapped out of my anger trance and realised my niece was right there and her bottom lip was going then she started crying. I'm crying again just thinking about it, how i made her feel. As soon as i saw how upset/scared i'd made my niece i immedietly stopped and went upstairs and cried. I thought i had changed and weren't like that anymore. But seeing her crying and eyes wide probably only 30cm-60cm away from me made me realise i am so horrible. All i want to do is protect my niece and nephew from everything bad in the world. But today i failed at that. I've never made my nephew upset or scared which i'm so grateful for but everytime i see my niece or think about her all i see and hear is her sad face and her crying. I'm also questioning if i knew she was there. Obviously i could see her but she was out of focus. All i could see was my mum as that's who i was arguing with. But i was slightly bending down too so now i'm thinking what if she thought i was being horrible to her. That breaks my heart. A little while later i was messaging my sister (her mum) about how guilty i feel, she just told me to come downstairs and give my niece a cuddle and a little while later after i calmed down i did. Her mum started reading her a book and raised her voice at one part of the book (as people do it's normal to add that speech difference when reading) and she done that face again and started crying. And it was all my fault. I really do hope she forgets me shouting and that it doesn't affect her.

davidluncefo...

Date posted: 2y

The anger will subside the less you cling to it. She loves you, you’re a good uncle (or aunt)! If you focus on observing the emotions without categorizing them or judging them it will be easier to get through. It can be like this: it’s not about how good or bad you did, it’s about doing what works like how a pilot course corrects.

j0vt

Date posted: 2y

@davidlunceford10 I just hope she didn't think it was at her! I hate that i made her feel that way.

Kat400

Date posted: 2y

Aw it’s ok! I have a 6 month old son and I’ve lost my cool very badly in front of him. Having this mental illness is so hard, and we’re only human! All we can do is learn from it and see what we can do to prevent another outburst next time. Don’t beat yourself up ❤️

j0vt

Date posted: 2y

@Kat400 Thank you for understanding. Yes it is so hard. So upsetting too. Even though other family members have cried because of my actions it never meant anything to me but seeing my niece the way she was because of my anger truly is heartbreaking. I will be trying even more to not show that side of me to them.

thrutheweather

Date posted: 2y

You need to start working with a mental health professional to help you work through managing your anger as well as your autism & OCD - she’s 7 months old she won’t remember when she’s older and has little comprehension of who was being shouted at. Just be more mindful of your behaviour around her in future.

tayanominous

Date posted: 23w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 19w

I’m feeling bad now and scared

Hey everyone, I’m going through something that really shook me up and triggered my OCD. Today I was talking to my mom about how people in our family have been talking badly about my cousin, who’s 17 and pregnant. I haven’t told my cousin anything about what they’re saying, because I don’t want to add any stress to her. I’ve honestly tried to protect her from all the drama. But then my mom told me to be careful about what I say to her, because she’s really worried my cousin could have a miscarriage from stress. She said if that happened and I had told my cousin anything, it would be my fault. I think my mom meant it out of concern, like she just wants to protect my cousin—but the way she said it came off as really harsh and it hurt me. Especially because I’ve never said anything to my cousin and I would never want to cause her any stress. Now my OCD is grabbing onto that fear. Even though I haven’t done anything wrong, it’s making me feel like, “What if something happens to the baby and it somehow ends up being your fault?” Logically, I know that doesn’t make sense. But the guilt and anxiety feel so real, and it’s hard to shake.

Anony1314

Date posted: 18w

Did I go crazy? Gave into thought. Comment please

My child was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt them that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow towards her groin area) but it came across my mind to elbow my child, and I elbowed their crotch or side area. Which caused another unwanted groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out and asked my child to move. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be theirs anymore. Idk what overcame me, and in the moment, it felt like I wanted to move my elbow, but I know that can also be my OCD speaking. Right? I clearly regret it all and hate myself. I would never intentionally hurt my child; I don't know what happened in my head when this happened. I was doing SO well! Is this my POCD that I've been diagnosed with by my OCD specialized therapist? Just a struggling mom who used to be the best of the best. I'm very depressed by this. Idk what to do with myself. I live in regret now, and I just wish it would've never ever happened. I can't stop ruminating and being depressed thinking I don't deserve anything.

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Past events OCD??

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