How sad is what we all here are going through...we all think we are some terrible people unworthy of happiness. I just feel so angry sometimes it makes me question: why me? Do you ever feel that way? I was just reading old messages with my boyfriend and family from the time I didn't have OCD...it almost made me cry...I was so happy...my focus was on college,.I had a feeling my life is finally going in the right direction. I could see myself working and moving in with my boyfriend...and then 4 months ago everything changed. OCD appeared, it convinced me I betrayed the love of my life at the beggining of our relathionship with false memories...then some real memories appeared which made me feel like a disgusting person unworthy of his love...now when I see a happy couple with a baby I feel like that is something I'll never have. OCD is whispering to me: "He will find out you're horrible and he will leave you. It's just a matter of time." I used to LOVE coffee...now it's only making me anxious...I live day by day hoping everything will be fine. I just wish you all the best here...we are all some kind of warriors. We all are living our biggest fears every day. I hope this pain will stop someday and our old life will be back ♡

Are you receiving help? Please believe me when I say that I went through the same thing with the bf and it’s what made me realize the detrimental effects of my ocd in the first place. I would always feel terrible until I could “confess” these things that I felt would upset him. The “things” I did not feel bad about at the time because my intentions were not bad. But I still felt like those thoughts would never stop and keep popping in. He was patient at first but was becoming exhausted with having to reassure me. Once I got help for that specifically my ocd in that theme has almost completely vanished. What helped was thinking about how hindsight bias works: you can’t know how something you did before would make you feel today. People are all human and no one is perfect. I bet if you dig deep enough there would be similar things your partner did that they felt were harmless at the time. Relationships change overtime. Being open with him and getting help are the first steps

You will get relief from it. After over a year of treatment the thoughts became less and less frequent. I still have my down days but instead of lasting a week they last maybe an hour. What has helped is that now I tell my boyfriend “I’m having stress over thoughts and ruminating and I won’t tell you what they are because I don’t want reassurance but just want to let you know” Instead of making a deal of it now he just says “okay well you know I love you and would never judge you and I know how much you care about me” Something along those lines. Also, I was never an advocate for medication but when I finally saw a psychologist and got to my proper dose (it’s higher for ocd than general anxiety because you are targeting physical grooves in your brain that are locking on a pattern) I feel much better. It just takes some relief away and let’s me do exposures with less anxiety. It helps me get out of bed and get going. Lexapro is what has worked for me. Along with green tea matcha and getting massages for my neck and shoulder. We forget that our body is connected to our brain- its all physical! Once we start taking care of all of the little things it makes a difference

One more thing- Xanax and klonopin just zonk you out. The most effectively researched treatment is medication paired with therapy. I don’t know how expensive it is for you but it may be worth seeing how you can handle your finances because your mental health is more important than anything

Medication being antidepressants?

Thank you for your response ♡ I don't have a therapist unfortunately cause they're very expensive in my country :( Yes, I confessed a lot to him. Everytime I remembered something that I did wrong in the past I immidiately had to tell him. Of course that didn't help because after some time I thought I forgot detalis etc. It was just never good enough. I don't confess anymore but now it is all im head. Now I ruminate a lot and analyze which is not good either. I'm afraid that others will tell him something bad about me and that is something I really can't control which is a completely new level of terror. But, you're right, he did similar things for sure, and I am too strict with myself. What OCD is doing to me is, it is making me feel like I'm a fraud and a liar if I don't tell him all of the things I did in the past, and that is probably wrong, but you know how OCD can feel very real. It's a non stop cycle. I was a bit better when I found out I actually have an illness and that the illness is making me think irrational, but the fear of losing him is still present. I don't know if it will ever go away :(