Does anyone wanna rant?

I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.

Hi everyone! My name is Tara, I’m a therapist here at NOCD. Before becoming a therapist, I worked various jobs in arts, textiles, prop styling, I worked in restaurants... I basically did what I could do with an undergrad in art living in Brooklyn, with a secret hope that I might someday pursue a career in mental health. Fun fact, I held onto that hope for 10 whole years before I decided to take a risk and apply to grad school! I wanted to become a therapist because I just knew that this was a field where my mind could work at its best and do the most good. Anyone else here with ADHD may understand. I simply cannot retain long term focus on something if I don’t absolutely love it, and I absolutely love this work. Having a job where my sole purpose is to connect with others and help them tap into their inner strength is an actual dream come true. I specifically love working with Exposure and Response Prevention and treating OCD, since the whole point of ERP is to show you you’re braver than you think you are. And it works so, so well. If you have a fear, and you think you “can’t” approach it, know that you most likely can. It might take some time to prove that to yourself, but with time and a steady dose of discomfort, you’ll get there. I’m sure that “discomfort” part didn’t sound appealing but let me ask you this - does OCD make you feel uncomfortable? Why not put some of that discomfort to work, in your favor? If you’re struggling with OCD, or you think you might be, know that you probably already have what it takes to thrive in ERP. You’re here. You recognized that you were struggling, you decided to find help, you downloaded the app, and you started reading through posts. I’m sure somewhere along the line, you felt at least a little uncomfortable, and you decided to take the next step anyway. That’s ERP in a nutshell :) Please ask me anything about OCD, your current symptoms or ERP. I’ll be responding over the next 2 days to questions.

Lately, my mood shifts so frequently. A couple of minutes ago, I got triggered and decided that instead of doing a compulsion, I'd write in my journal (since I haven't done that in a while). But after writing not even half a page... I'm okay? Well, sorta! 😭 I'm experiencing a resurgence in old obsessions, which is disappointing. A couple of weeks back, I was doing a lot better, but now it's just one thing after another. Really wish therapy was more affordable. I'm already seeing my psychiatrist, but she wants me to see a specialist as well. When I think about living with this for the rest of my life, I can get a little emotional. I know it'll get easier to manage as time passes, and it might not even affect me in the future, but right now...? It's a lot of work I'll need to do to overcome this. I'm willing to do it, but I get discouraged at times... But that's enough of my little vent! I hope anyone who reads this is doing okay. Hang in there 🤍