I’m tired. Tired of having to control everything. I don’t want to control. But i’m scared that my HOCD is real and that if i let go of control i will hurt someone. How do i get the rumination to stop. I feel so numb right now
Your HOCD is real. The thoughts feel real. Sometimes I think it is good to talk with someone you can trust about your HOCD to get a little bit of grip back and starting to practise intentionally triggering the bad feelings and sit with it for around 90 minutes or so. This is the key time. If the anxiety is still high, practise a compulsion that is easier to resist.
Every day trigger some obsessions and resist these urges to do something about it. You can handle this.
@Bjurn the worst thing is my compulsion seems to be doing the thought just to ‘test’ it out and see how i feel. Is this normal? Im so scared I don’t trust myself at all
@evukos Can you explain what you mean. What is the thing that distresses you and what do you do to decrease anxiety? Or do you do some mental compulsions?
@Bjurn I don’t really want to put it down because it triggers me a lot. But it’s causing someone purposeful harm. My mind scares me because I feel like if I do it I will be relieved but I of course know that’s not true. I usually stay away from sharp objects, I have a therapist who has reassured me that I am healthy and that I will not do that so that decreases my anxiety. My mental compulsion is testing how i feel about it and reminding myself why it is bad of course. I’m really scared, currently sitting here trembling
@Bjurn Also, one of my compulsions is also to hug someone. I feel better when I’m hugged because I can’t hurt anyone and Imm able to calm down. It also reassures me that I know that if i was to ever try to do that I have enough common sense to talk myself out of it.
@evukos I also have a fear of hurting my boyfriend when I get angry, I don’t want to, but it has happened that one of occasion I have lightly tapped him, of course not any damage but he has been bothered by it and It really has been something that distresses me. Although this is a smaller fear since I know that this damage isn’t too serious.
@Bjurn It reassures me that I know I have full control of my actions. I somehow manage to replace the image in my head with hugging someone instead. Although my therapist has said he knows I would not do it, I of course know he cannot be 100% certain. That terrifies me further.
@evukos Mentally trying to hug someone sounds like a compulsion. But also if you hug someone every time when you get a bad thought also seems like a compulsion. By practicing accepting uncertainty you will find out that it no longer requires you to hug everybody every time you have a bad thought. You could practice ERP by cutting an apple in pieces and eat it. You are then actively doing something that creates fear. Which is okay to feel. Your OCD make you feel you will harm others. You know yourself that you will never do it. To proof yourself actively engage with the distressing situation and stop doing something about it. The anxiety is okay but dont do something about it. It will decrease over time.
I’ve tried living in the uncertainty today & kept myself busy but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m about to lose control & act on my thoughts. I keep feeling like I need to check in to see how I feel & keep my self safe & when I’m near my trigger it feels like I’m being pulled into doing it & feels like I want to but I’m not using compulsions. My thoughts feel like my own & feeling like I’ll be like this forever. Can someone relate or give advice 😩
I have really started to take control of my compulsions and im starting to string together better days! Still not great days or even good, but they are better!!! I have controlled my outward compulsions (googling, research, reassurance, checking) the past couple of days and felt the positive impact of that. But unfortunately, I am realizing that the rumination is still constant. My sexuality and relationship are the only two things constantly on my brain, and if they aren’t I freak out and wonder why im not thinking about them! Anyone have any advice on how to deal with the rumination. Sometimes I don’t even notice im doing it, but it’s taking up 90% of my day. Once I start to tackle this I think I may make some real big progress! Hope everyone is fighting today! ❤️
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
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