I’m tired. Tired of having to control everything. I don’t want to control. But i’m scared that my HOCD is real and that if i let go of control i will hurt someone. How do i get the rumination to stop. I feel so numb right now
Your HOCD is real. The thoughts feel real. Sometimes I think it is good to talk with someone you can trust about your HOCD to get a little bit of grip back and starting to practise intentionally triggering the bad feelings and sit with it for around 90 minutes or so. This is the key time. If the anxiety is still high, practise a compulsion that is easier to resist.
Every day trigger some obsessions and resist these urges to do something about it. You can handle this.
@Bjurn the worst thing is my compulsion seems to be doing the thought just to ‘test’ it out and see how i feel. Is this normal? Im so scared I don’t trust myself at all
@evukos Can you explain what you mean. What is the thing that distresses you and what do you do to decrease anxiety? Or do you do some mental compulsions?
@Bjurn I don’t really want to put it down because it triggers me a lot. But it’s causing someone purposeful harm. My mind scares me because I feel like if I do it I will be relieved but I of course know that’s not true. I usually stay away from sharp objects, I have a therapist who has reassured me that I am healthy and that I will not do that so that decreases my anxiety. My mental compulsion is testing how i feel about it and reminding myself why it is bad of course. I’m really scared, currently sitting here trembling
@Bjurn Also, one of my compulsions is also to hug someone. I feel better when I’m hugged because I can’t hurt anyone and Imm able to calm down. It also reassures me that I know that if i was to ever try to do that I have enough common sense to talk myself out of it.
@evukos I also have a fear of hurting my boyfriend when I get angry, I don’t want to, but it has happened that one of occasion I have lightly tapped him, of course not any damage but he has been bothered by it and It really has been something that distresses me. Although this is a smaller fear since I know that this damage isn’t too serious.
@Bjurn It reassures me that I know I have full control of my actions. I somehow manage to replace the image in my head with hugging someone instead. Although my therapist has said he knows I would not do it, I of course know he cannot be 100% certain. That terrifies me further.
@evukos Mentally trying to hug someone sounds like a compulsion. But also if you hug someone every time when you get a bad thought also seems like a compulsion. By practicing accepting uncertainty you will find out that it no longer requires you to hug everybody every time you have a bad thought. You could practice ERP by cutting an apple in pieces and eat it. You are then actively doing something that creates fear. Which is okay to feel. Your OCD make you feel you will harm others. You know yourself that you will never do it. To proof yourself actively engage with the distressing situation and stop doing something about it. The anxiety is okay but dont do something about it. It will decrease over time.
It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.
I don’t know what to do with this bs anymore. I’m crying again and again and again and again. I cannot describe how painful this is. I’ve recovered from every single OCD subtype expect this one. HOCD is so scary and it’s so incredibly scary how it feels so real. The issue with this subtype is how intertwined it is with feelings and sensations. I hate how it keeps latching onto the past and uses the past as proof. I don’t want it to be the truth. I don’t want to accept any possibility.
I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression
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