Suicidal OCD - common theme

@MCT OMG this is how mine come too I started erp and do feel better but any tips? Like ners that help you?

@MCT this is so helpful to hear because i truly thought i was the only one who experienced this. what methods have worked best for you dealing with these thoughts?

@Anonymous OMG I know I thought I was the only one that thought this way with suicidal ocd

@Anonymous Ultimately I just don’t “fight” the thought. I try hard to not engage in compulsions. For example, if I had the thought about it being a good day to kill myself, I’d then think, “hm maybe it would be.” I don’t try to prove why it isn’t or think about how scary it is I’d have that thought. I’d acknowledge it and move on without judgment. It does make a big difference because I’m not engaging in compulsions and can sit with the uncertainty. I may then think “I don’t want to kill myself right now,” and sit with that feeling. Stay in the moment. It does really help.

@MCT Yeah I’m having mental compulsions

@MCT But will definitely try this, I keep resisting but it gets worse and the anxiety comes

@Anonymous I had to understand what my mental/unseen compulsions were and practice stopping them. If I’m trying to prove something to myself, find an answer, or restrict/eliminate triggers, I know I’m doing compulsions. Like if I’m researching excessively, thought stopping my intrusive thoughts, “testing” how I feel in response to thoughts, thinking about the “why” too much, I know I’m doing compulsions. And I know those things are unhelpful and only make my ocd worse.

@MCT Yup that’s exactly what I’m doing, ok. I just have to resist no matter how scary it gets

@MCT Resisting does make it worse and only increases the thoughts and anxiety for me too. So I do the opposite. I think more in “maybes,” “I don’t knows,” and “who knows” terms now. Or I think “at this moment I feel like _____. I don’t know how I’ll feel later but right now I feel like this.”

@Anonymous Another part of my ERP was learning to trust myself and believe “I got this.” And I can handle what’s thrown my way with ocd. And accept that my fear could come true but I don’t need to reassure myself either way. That it will or won’t.

@MCT Ohhh ok

@MCT How do you accept that fear

@MCT That’s what I’m struggling with

@MCT Yes! Right on.

@Anonymous In erp I learned that the feeling of anxiety isn’t dangerous in itself. It doesn’t have to be done away with. When you feel fear, it’s ok. We know in this case it means nothing. Erp doesn’t seek to eliminate anxiety or fear surrounding the obsessions, but to become habituated to experiencing it without doing compulsions, ie trying to get rid of it. It sounds weird but the more I did the exercises the less fear I felt. But I wouldn’t get hung up on how quickly the exercises will “work.” When I get a thought now it’s more like, yes I don’t like it, it scares me, but I can handle this and don’t need to figure out if it’s a threat right now. Because deep down I know it’s not. And so when I don’t engage in compulsions I give it less power and thus it’s less scary. Doesn’t mean I never feel fear or anxiety but it’s a lot less and sometimes I don’t feel it at all in response to the thoughts.

@MCT i think what’s the hardest for me is not only do these thoughts give me anxiety, but they also make me super sad that i’m even having the thought, almost like my brain is like “you’re having the thought which means you actually mean it and are suicidal, that’s really sad and eventually one day you will probably kill yourself so you should be sad about that now” and almost like mourn my life in a way? and that sad feeling really seems to stick around and it’s hard to shake.

@Anonymous Thank you for voicing this. I have very similar thoughts with suicidal OCD and haven't ever been able to write out what it actually is.

@MCT OMG ok that makes sense!!! I think that’s what I been struggling with like the thoughts I can accept but the anxiety stays and than the thoughts come back because I start to think my do I feel anxious/scared still

@Anonymous Yup this has been me too but not I’m learning just to sit with the fear

@Anonymous I totally get that. I’d have to type out a lot to give the examples of all the thoughts I’ve had lol. But they’re definitely not just “what if I did.” Mine were sometimes commands or “I wish” thoughts. Like “I wish I could just die,” “I can’t wait to lull myself,” etc. Or if I was driving or something it’d be like “drive off this bridge” type of stuff. I had the physical feelings like my throat would tighten during the intrusive thoughts (anxiety) but to me it was like something tightening around my neck as if I were hanging myself. Or I’d be very physically aware of my wrists as if I were to cut myself, so I’d bend my hands down almost like I was “protecting” my wrists. My intrusive thoughts and images were all over the place, not just “what if I did.” So I get that. It definitely sent me down that rabbit hole too of “this is so sad,” imaging my family’s reactions, etc. My therapist and I talked about this and he said “yes it would be sad.” And to think something like that in response to the thoughts. We even did narratives where I went through the entire process of before I’d kill myself, during, and the aftermath. Those are hard but are great exposures. OCD sends us on such a spiral, I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s seriously agony and torture.

@Anonymous Yeah like the “testing”? That’s also just another compulsion. It definitely takes time and practice so like I said I wouldn’t get caught up on how well or quickly it’s “working.” The feeling of anxiety was something I had to get used to. I was given a hydroxazine prescription, which is actually just an antihistamine. It does help when I’m really really spiraling. But I hardly ever use it bc I don’t want it to become another compulsion or crutch. But meds may be helpful in serious crisis. Just something else I did along with erp.

@MCT *kill not lull

@MCT Yeah that’s kind of where I’m at, I’ll have a thought like oh what if you killed yourself or sometimes demands or sometimes I’ll start to think like about my neighbors and they will be like oh the girl killer herself next door, I get sick from the thoughts sometimes and they share the crap out of me

@MCT oh my goodness the wrists thing! i do the exact same thing and i’ve never heard of anyone else with that. i am soooo aware and freaked out of my wrists and will never like flip my arms over so they’re exposed and i frequently will grab them to “protect” them

@MCT Thank you so much for being here and sharing. Your writing is helping me to understand my own thoughts much better.

@MCT Thank you soo much your definitely helping me to understand all of this, I really appreciate you/ your post

@Anonymous I would get those too at my worst. What my family would think, etc. Stories about people killing themselves who were described as “happy, full of life, etc” were really triggering for me. I used to describe suicide as something that “happens to you” rather than something you choose to do. I’d look at other people’s stories and try to figure out how they did or didn’t relate to me/my life. I was researching inpatient facilities I could go to, I went to several therapists and was all but begging them to commit me (I’m glad they didn’t), I was constantly confessing my thoughts and seeking reassurance from those around me. I could work for about 3 months it was so debilitating. I didn’t eat sugary foods, take naps, I walked every day, I did everything I thought I needed to do in order to be as healthy as possible so I wouldn’t become depressed and actually want to kill myself. But that was all making me more depressed anyway. Once I got better through erp I quit restricting and trying to control everything. My therapist and I talked about other people’s stories and how I didn’t need to figure out why they chose to kill themselves. And maybe they didn’t even have a huge reason. Either way I didn’t need to figure it out. And I could have a thought and think it would be sad. But I found that if I thought about how sad it would be that was usually just be trying to “test” my reaction to the thought to make sure I didn’t “want” it.

@MCT OMG yes I was doing soo good but then with the recent news it triggered me soo bad and I was reading article trying to figure out how I can relate

@Anonymous When that Miss America winner Cheslie Kryst killed herself earlier this year I was doing the same. I had to find the balance between feeling like suicide is sad but also not obsessing over it or applying it to myself

@MCT That’s what I need to learn how to do, not obsess over it

@MCT I was soo upset because I had been doing soo good the fights would come and I would be fine

@Anonymous Another thing I had to learn and accept was sometimes my symptoms would fluctuate. I’ve been doing well but thoughts and symptoms still come up sometimes. But I have to accept they might come back up in full force in the future. Be gentle with yourself and ride the wave! ❤️

@MCT You been soo helpful!!! Yes I need to learn that too. I was having a tough time yesterday, today is a little better but just accepting the fear/ anxiety

@MCT So erp helped you

@kaymart Yes I couldn’t have recovered without it. I still have to utilize the skills, obviously. But I had been to a handful of other therapists before who didn’t know I had ocd and were trying to utilize CB and rationalizing methods that just weren’t helpful. Especially not long term/once my symptoms progressed.

@Anonymous I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I know how horrible it can be. But there are definitely things that can help like erp. With practice it gets easier. And you’re not alone!!! Hearing stories helped me a lot in my journey so I’m glad it’s helped normalize some of your experience for you ❤️

@MCT Yes omg yes !!! The ones I was seeing wanted me to freaking meditate as if I can do so calmly. They wanted me to journal which I was doing but not about ocd . Writing my thoughts scares me !!!! So when I found out about this therapy that mainly focuses on ocd I was thrilled because seems nobody else knows how to treat it .

@kaymart Erp is the only way I could’ve gotten better. It really does work. I’m glad you’ve finally found something that’s helpful.

@MCT Do you use any medicine ?

@kaymart I’ve taken lexapro for over 10 years now but I developed ocd after being on that for awhile. So idk how much that helps me. Last year I was prescribed hydroxazine which is actually an antihistamine that’s gained popularity for treating panic/anxiety. At first I was terrified to take it but it is helpful when I’m really spiraling. Just to calm me down a little. So I use that very sparingly now bc I don’t want it to become another compulsion or crutch

@MCT I have that too! The Hydroxyzine . It helps my nausea . I use 50mg off and on but it doesn’t help with the ruminations or panic . What dose do you take ?

@kaymart I only take 10mg. It makes me kind of tired. I think it’s just a first step for some people before things like Xanax, etc. It works enough for me but I know several people who it isn’t potent enough for.

@MCT Thank you I will say since I’ve been in therapy I have a lot of days that OCd doesn’t affect me like it used too and then of course, talking to people like you who have gone through this and kicked ocds butt It’s so helpful. Thank you so much.

@MCT 25 used to work on me psh now it doesn’t lol

@Anonymous Oh wow! I’ve had these thoughts too!

@OcdNutball Same!! Even though you don’t plan it your brain imagines it