How do I even know that this is ocd anymore ? I’m so confused and sad . This is not what I wanted in life

Doubting that you have OCD is OCD's way of trying to maintain its power position in your brain. OCD, in a weird way, is your brain trying to protect you but it's clearly confused about what's important. You likely started having OCD when you had an intrusive thought and you responded in fear that you may be a bad person. You kept trying to convince yourself the thought wasn't true. The brain got confused about whether or not this was a real threat or not. It isn't. But when you start to heal and become aware of your OCD, it starts to go "uh, but what this isn't OCD? What if this is a real threat this time?" It's scary but it's a sign of growth. You can beat this! You're already making progress by being here. I know it's scary, but try to treat any thought you obsess over as OCD. I hope this rambling mess makes some sense!

Yeah, it's definitely possible. Not only possible but it's most likely gonna happen. I think that's the hardest part, is the uncertainty. I am going through the same thing right now and I'm not very good at not ruminating about it but all we can do is the best we can and try again tomorrow. The more we resist, the weaker OCD gets! Let's send that jerk back where it came from. :)

I'm proud of you for stopping! Honestly, that's amazing! I'm having a very tough time doing it. I have this compulsive need to understand. But I think that's what feeds the illness. We need to be uncertain for a while before we can come out of it. I understand your fear and I'm trying really hard not to reassure you so I will just say that you being afraid of being a bad person is pretty good proof of you being a good person. I don't think I am allowed to say anything more than that.

I feel the constant need to understand as well. I think what’s keeping in the whole is feeling the need to figure it out

Yeah, it's really tough. Good luck to you :)

I can do my best!

That one is really hard. I've kind of gotten out of OCD on my own before without knowing what it was so I wasn't equipped to protect myself when it came back. But I do remember the times I have come out of it that the less I feared the anxiety, the better I did. So it sounds like you have anxiety about feeling that way again. Try to feel the anxiety in your body but without ruminating or doing compulsions. It will totally suck at first but pretty quickly your body is like "oh this isn't that bad". I feel like the thoughts are the worst part, not the anxiety. But we are so afraid of going back to that place that we don't know how we can ever deal with it. We can. Once the thoughts lose their power and you get through the backdoor spikes, you will feel so much better and more free.

Thank you so much girl , you’ve been a great help

You're welcome! I'm glad to hear that I have helped. I got a lot of my info from the "OCD help" podcast if you're interested.

Thank you so much again

You're very welcome :)

I completely understand what you’re saying but is it possible for to have the same theme but it feel different this time ? Like I still feel very anxious but now I feel more depressed than anything . I feel more confused. I still find the desperate need to find out if it’s true and I feel uncomfortable not knowing .

I actually stopped doing my main compulsion witch was googling and I stopped reassurance seeking and I thought that’s what was gonna make it go away but every time I turn around it’s attacking me in every way possible. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to turn into a person that I feared to be and at first the reason these thoughts were getting to me was because it attacked who I was but now I feel like I don’t know who I am

Hey one more question idk if you’ll be able to answer but it’s not reassurance

How do you deal with the trauma that ocd puts on you ? Like when I remember how I felt when I was going through the theme it makes me depressed and it makes me anxious about feeling like that again and then I start to feel it again