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I won’t lie; living off your baby-step progress is really hard. It’s not easy to achieve this in the first place, as it takes a lot of strength to do it. And knowing that these are just the most menial, basic things that a person does and are so difficult for you can be so hard at times. Life really does become quite small when you’re so consumed by this. Never mind the fact that you aren’t able to do the other tasks that need your attention and that your thoughts and mind are just rotting away. Real-Event OCD has definitely been the worst of my subtypes, even though I’ve had a horrible and rough time with my other subtypes as well. They’re all really difficult to deal with, but I was able to bask in the support that I received as it wasn’t something that I sought for myself. I didn’t ask for it, but I had to deal with it, so it was definitely easier to receive support from others. But knowing with Real Event, it’s all my fault and mistake is something I find really hard to accept and move on from. The shame and guilt are overwhelming. Wishing you could change things that can no longer be changed is so painful. Like many of you, I struggle with the thought that this isn’t my OCD, and I’m using it as a coverup to move on, which has been really difficult to deal with. The certainty just isn't there. I definitely feel strongly that I’m unique in my situation, so I definitely deserve this. And no one can relate to this here since I'm the exception. But I still sit with it and try to move on, as I won’t know. I try to say maybe or maybe not to it. It’s not easy. It’s on my mind every day, and I feel miserable even if I don’t show it. But I know deep inside that I want to strive to be a better person every day and to be compassionate with others. So that I can live for myself and my loved ones and be a positive influence on society. Right now, I’m not able to help people or others in the ways that I want, since I’m not in a place where I’ve helped myself enough to be able to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to reach that place since it feels so far away from me. But I will never know. All I have is my present. And while I'm not able to make huge, great changes out of it. It's enough that I exist in the now. So I want to tell all of you who are struggling and are having a hard time in recovery that it's okay. At times we won't have the greatest of moments, but it's okay since you exist and matter, and that's enough in that moment. You can pick yourself back up and carry on like you always do. These are all moments of power and strength that you radiate with. It's hard now, and maybe it won't be that way in the future, but be kind to yourself for pushing through and taking a break when you have to. Dealing with all of these things can be really exhausting, so just be kind to yourself, like you would be to others.

Lisa LeeLou

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for sharing your experience. I wanted to mention that you posting is in itself a way of helping others. Whenever anyone shares what they are going through, it is an opportunity for someone else to relate and feel connected. Having this community space is so important for healing. I can certainly relate to sometimes feeling like recovery is not moving fast enough. I try to remind myself at those times that it's progress not perfection. As you said above, being kind and patient with yourself is key.

GregJ

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hi! Any progress is good progress no matter how small. My therapist used to tell me “1% better each day and in 100 days you will be at 100%”. Take your time as it’s not a race and just continue to put one foot in front of another. So sorry you are dealing with real event OCD. Have you tried applying any ERP techniques such as trying not to ruminate? Try to allow the thoughts just to be there and be indifferent to them. Just brush them off and keep moving on with your day. I had the exact same thought that I didn’t actually OCD and the thoughts were actually me. I had harm OCD and truly thought I was a monster. This thought is just another trick OCD is playing on you to keep you stuck. Try to accept the uncertainty that maybe you do or don’t have OCD and maybe or maybe not this is the real you. It definitely isn’t easy. But building up your tolerance would be very beneficial. Try going a minute with accepting uncertainty. Then later do 2 minutes, then 5, 10, etc. and build up that way. Your last paragraph was beautifully stated. I thought for sure I would never recover. I remember reading people’s recovery stories and thinking that will never happen for me. But with ERP and building up tolerance I am a lot better. Keep working on your OCD recovery and one day you will be writing and commenting on others posts helping other people out like me! =)

scenic

Date posted: 2y

@ Hey! Thank you so much for taking your time to respond. I really appreciate it! I love the analogy of your 1% amounting to 100% with time. It’s true and effective. And for the most part, I am satisfied with my small wins as they were impossible for me before, so it’s great to see as to what I can do now, but at times, I do get frustrated with how I’ve reached this point of my life and nothing can ever change it, so it does feels a bit saddening but I’m being grateful for the most part as things can always be worse than what you may think. And I have been trying to apply ERP most of the times with my thoughts so that I don’t ruminate over them. But the guilt and shame does hang back there. It gets really horrible when I see things that trigger me, but it’s something I’ll have to work on for awhile to get to a place where it no longer bothers me as such. Never mind the imposter feeling as my Real Event does make me feel alienated than the rest but again, it’s something I’ll have to do ERP with even if it’s uncomfortable and I’m the exception. I’ll definitely try building my endurance by exposing myself through different variants of time. And I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better now! Hopefully I can get there too! Wishing you the best in your journey as well 😊

GregJ

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@scenic That’s great that you have seen progress! Don’t beat yourself up for being in the place you are. You didn’t ask for OCD and OCD is very difficult Yeah the feelings are tough with OCD, but they are just feelings. They will pass and feelings doesn’t make something true. You’ll get there! Just keep pushing!

Killian

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably with us. Your reflections really moved me, and I resonate with them so much. I know it can feel tempting to compare our progress to others and wonder why we’re not moving as quickly, or to think we’re unique in our struggles, like you said. I think it’s beautiful and reflective of your strength that you are reminding yourself (and me!) of why you are choosing this path in the first place. Recovery is not always glamorous, and you’re absolutely right, it’s enough that you exist in the now. I don’t know if you’ve seen Frozen 2 (lol), but I always think about what Anna says in the movie about just picking yourself up and doing the “next right thing.” Sometimes all we can see is the first step ahead of us, and it’s enough to just take that baby step. Please know that you don’t have to reach a certain benchmark to support others. In sharing your real experience of recovery you are helping so many people already. 💜

strawberryjax

Date posted: 24w

hey. i have contamination ocd and this is my life.

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.

Andrea Wells

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

My OCD Journey

Looking back, I realize I’ve had OCD since I was 7. though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 30. As a kid, I was consumed by fears I couldn’t explain: "What if God isn’t real? What happens when we die? How do I know I’m real?" These existential thoughts terrified me, and while everyone has them from time to time, I felt like they were consuming my life. By 12, I was having daily panic attacks about death and war, feeling untethered from reality as depersonalization and derealization set in. At 15, I turned to drinking, spending the next 15 years drunk, trying to escape my mind. I hated myself, struggled with my body, and my intrusive thoughts. Sobriety forced me to face it all head-on. In May 2022, I finally learned I had OCD. I remember the exact date: May 10th. Reading about it, I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This explains everything." My main themes were existential OCD and self-harm intrusive thoughts. The self-harm fears were the hardest: "What if I kill myself? What if I lose control?" These thoughts terrified me because I didn’t want to die. ERP changed everything. At first, I thought, "You want me to confront my worst fears? Are you kidding me?" But ERP is gradual and done at your pace. My therapist taught me to lean into uncertainty instead of fighting it. She’d say, "Maybe you’ll kill yourself—who knows?" At first, it felt scary, but for OCD, it was freeing. Slowly, I realized my thoughts were just thoughts. ERP gave me my life back. I’m working again, I’m sober, and for the first time, I can imagine a future. If you’re scared to try ERP, I get it. But if you’re already living in fear, why not try a set of tools that can give you hope?

overcoming-ocd

Date posted: 22w

4 years too long.

It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x

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