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Username: MikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

Anxiety and Honesty

I was married for 16 years and am now 7 months divorced. I have OCD. I have had flirtatious relationships throughout my marriage. No physical cheating or anything that comes close. I have been like this for a long time. My ex wife left me because of these inappropriate relationships. I have never wanted to admit that I have done that. My excuses were to blame her for whatever reason. Post divorce I have hung out and “dated” with no physical contact. My ex and I are talking again. The main topic are my actions pre and post divorce. If I were to possibly repair things I am in need of accepting that I am that person who did these things. I spent forever denying that I have been like this. I am not any longer. I am being super honest with my ex wife and myself. It is quite humbling and painful. An incredible amount of anxiety. I have deflected this for years and now, if I want to be a better human, I must accept and change myself. But can I? Can anyone really? I like the sexual attention because it makes me feel good about myself. Why do I need that? I am having horrible anxiety about this. Any thoughts from anyone?

Username: Alessandra RizzottiAlessandra R...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 1y ago

How great that you can take accountability. It IS possible to love your ex wife/want to repair AND want other levels of sexual attention. Perhaps try to understand the fear underneath the fact that you had other flirtatious relationships. It is normal to flirt/have other attractions and that may or may not be what your wife can tolerate or what you can tolerate within a committed relationship.

Username: MikeOH2LAMikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

@NOCD Therapist - Alessandra R. Thank you for responding to me. In working thru this, I am taking complete responsibility for my actions as best I can. Because of my OCD, I am now assuming that virtually all interactions with women are now inappropriate or slightly so. Even interactions that I didn’t think much about, I am ruminating on because I am trying to take accountability. I will be diving into why I need sexual reassurance or interest from other women that is not my spouse or SO. This has definitely been something of a ride and I want to be off of it. Sometimes I think I am taking more responsibility than it requires but I am not sure what else I can do.

Username: AnotherAnother

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

i would ask your ex or any new partner that comes into your life if it would be okay to flirt with coworkers/people you meet outside of your relationship. maybe at the end of the day you’d both want to be able to do that without any repercussions. you’d have to create boundaries and how it would work in your relationship. my partner and i love flirting with other people, we come back at the end of the day and talk about it (when it does happen 🤣 on a day to day it barely ever happens haha) but yeah we’re pretty chill with that aspect just can’t be physical contact. if ur ex doesn’t like any of that, it’s best to seek other partners who might be down for something like that!!

Username: Alessandra RizzottiAlessandra R...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 1y ago

Definitely would be good to address with a therapist regarding that need for sexual reassurance/interest. Might be an underlying fear of not being enough and it would be good to sit with it. Maybe being punitive/taking too much accountability is a way to overcompensate/punish yourself which can be a compulsion, so perhaps log it?

Username: MikeOH2LAMikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

@NOCD Therapist - Alessandra R. Whoa! This is definitely another angle to look at things. I do have an appointment on 1/6/23 to begin ERP therapy again. I know that my OCD plays into things. My ex has a zero tolerance policy and I believe that has been a part of me thinking that I have been an awful human being and disrespectful to her. I appreciate you responding to me. Thank you.

Username: Alessandra RizzottiAlessandra R...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 1y ago

@MikeOH2LA - Great you are restarting! Her core fears re: 0 tolerance policy may influence your response and that's normal after 16 yrs!

Username: MikeOH2LAMikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

@NOCD Therapist - Alessandra R. Does that mean my response to being accountable or the OCD component if there is one?

Username: Alessandra RizzottiAlessandra R...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 1y ago

@MikeOH2LA - Both can be true...worth just exploring with the therapist. The main fear to work on here is what you fear you violated/what you're afraid of now that this has happened.

Username: MikeOH2LAMikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

Ah! Interesting. Do you think, clearly you know nothing about me, that it’s possible to have ROCD, where I am looking for reassurance through sexual reassurance that I am with the “right” person because I don’t let anything go further than flirting? Or is that just making an excuse for my behavior? Just curious.

Username: Alessandra RizzottiAlessandra R...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 1y ago

Could be both...since I don't know you, I can't assess :) You know yourself best.

Username: MikeOH2LAMikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

Yes and thank you.

Username: D. M. D. M.

Date posted: 1y ago

"Humbling and painful". I think it is good for you to be ready to admit this. Yes. We can change. Not necessarily through our own strength but God can help us. We all NEED to feel good about ourselves sometimes. You are so worthwhile because you are HUMAN. You may have done things wrong but we can all admit things and then get past them. Many times it is we ourselves who don't forgive us. Realize, accept, forgive, and work on growth and change. Anxiety, I have read, are like God's dashboard lights on our "car" that are showing us we need healing. I have a lot of anxiety...like so many here...but I am working one moment at a time to work through it and ALLOW myself to feel that way and try to change for the better. Yes. Don't give up. I will pray for you and your wife.

Username: MikeOH2LAMikeOH2LA

Date posted: 1y ago

@D. M. This is very kind of you. Thank you. Coming to terms with something and then trying to process it and not get to much into the weeds on it while having OCD is definitely a challenge. I am sorry you deal with anxiety. It is so brutal and exhausting. Thanks for responding.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 4y ago

Fun new obsession! I worked under a TA who I thought was super hot. I was happily committed to my now husband, but at the time I still harbored a lot of attraction toward this man, to the point of occasionally fantasizing about him. I felt awful about it then and I feel bad about it now. I’m trying to rack my brain and make sure nothing inappropriate ever happened, I can remember hoping he thought I looked good and wanting him to think I was funny but I never did anything besides my work when I was with him. I’m convinced this makes me a bad person or even worse, that I’m destined to cheat on my husband. Other instances happened when I was drunk, never to the point of cheating thank god, but flirtations with other men. This hasn’t happened since I was a freshman in college as I stopped heavily drinking and realized how much I needed to work to be the best version of myself. I constantly feel guilty, like I need to atone for what happened. This is almost worse than the crippling HOCD I’ve been fighting. Please help❤️ and thanks if you made it this far lol

Username: Just another...

Date posted: 4y ago

18+ I was such a horrible boyfriend. I was friendly and flirty with other girls and I would always justify it by saying that I wasn’t cheating (which I never did). I also got super drunk during a family vacation and I don’t remember anything but I fear i may have kissed someone, even though my family has to me that I didn’t because they were with me 99% of the time. I realize however that it doesn’t take a physical act to hurt your partner. Flirting is just as bad. I don’t know why I was that way. I was always an attention seeking idiot. My guilty conscience led me to develop OCD. Now all I do is obsess over every day of my life trying to figure out if I did anything wrong so I can confess it to my partner. I wonder if I’ll ever be enough for her again. I feel so unworthy of her love. She is hurting so much and I can’t believe I caused her that pain. She tells me to let it go but I feel like she deserves to know who I was. She says she forgives me because I am no longer that person but I can fucking forgive myself. I’ve tried meditating and doing affirmations but it’s been months and I feel like I am tainted forever. I led her to believe that I was someone that I wasn’t. I told her I only had eyes for her but I still found other girls attractive and watched porn behind her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t eat or sleep or do anything but be in my bed crying. I love her so much and I can’t believe I was such a piece of shit. I want to move forward but I don’t know how to. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I can’t believe I am just now realizing all this. I wonder if it’s too late. I’ve been an atheist for years and I’m even praying out of desperation. I hate myself

Username: Adri_220

Date posted: 1y ago

Feeling Hopeful

For years I’ve dealt with anxiety. I have endured trauma as a child, teenager and adult which have been heavy feelings to carry. I realized that the neglect of my father, the abandonment and abusive relationships as an adult, have not allowed me to continue on in healthy romantic relationships. When I’m single, I thrive. I’ve accomplished so much on my own including raising my son as a single mom. I became a home owner and a business owner all on my own too, which is great. Once I start dating, it all goes downhill. I become a different version of myself. I become insecure, anxious, low self esteem, doubtful. I’m filled with instructive thoughts that ultimately lead me to the same patterns and I end up breaking up and feeling guilty about it. I am currently working with a therapist for my ptsd and anxiety and they’ve helped with this current depressive state. BUT! I need more help. This is not enough and it’s not bringing any confidence when it comes to dating. I’ve read books about anxious attachment and it has allowed me to understand it a bit more. I realize that my obsession and constant intrusive thoughts about: “does he really like me?”, “is he just going it leave me?”, “is he honest about how he feels?”, “is he talking to other women?” Paralyze my existence and well being. I neglect work, lose sleep, stop eating, obsess about my appearance. Things that are not at all like me. I am feeling hopeful about discovering more about my ocd in relationships and about finding relief and real changes. I believe that I will make these changes and be successful in dating. I’m not giving up. I AM HOPEFUL ! ❤️

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