- Username
- Twelve Squirrels in a Trenchcoat
- Date posted
- 1y ago
Reflecting on childhood OCD experiences and their long-term effects.
OCD as a kid
Did anyone looked back on their life and seen how OCD has manifested and changed throughout their life? I remember being a kid and being terrified of monsters well into being 13. My nighttime routine became more and more ritualistic and elaborate. The reassurance from my parents became useless and I remember having to sleep with my lights on and the radio going. Eventually that wasn't enough. Vivid disturbing images of monsters staring at me, ready to strike the second I wasn't paying attention. That urge to think of a monster otherwise I would be surprised by one. Growing up religious and being told you can sin against God in your head was the other thing I delt with. Having horrible blasphemous thoughts that had me crying out to God for forgiveness. Terrified I'd accidentally commit the unpardonable sin. Doing everything possible to assure myself God wouldn't cast me into hell to the brink of mental and physical exhaustion. Then as I got older I got I remember it switched to social aspects. The fear I'd roll my eyes during a heavy conversation with someone pouring their heart out to me. The fear I'd flip off my teacher in class. That I'd lose control and scream out a swear word or call a classmate a racial slur. I would go through the day reminding myself to press my lips together tight and keep my hands in my pockets as often as I could to reduce the risk of doing those terrible things. Then as I got older and began to understand I didn't just like guys and going through the motions of that while being Christian was hard. I'd remember being told time and time again that the "spirit of homosexuality" wouldn't be satisfied until I had committed every sexual deviancy and fill me with rage towards God. I was told it was only a matter of time until my attraction towards women would expand and I would soon be attracted to children. Then it would branch out to animals, babies and dead people. You can imagine what my OCD latched onto after being told all that when growing up. I remember feeling so out of place in my early years. If I were to describe myself in one word back then it would be: coward. No one I knew had the same "fear issues" I had. Everyone was afraid of the monster under their bed when they were 6, not till they were 13. Everyone got nervous in a dark room, but I was the one that couldn't tolerate it. Everyone around me would express their fear, but it didn't control them like mine did. I desperately wish I knew that this was OCD the whole time and could've gotten help for it back then instead of beating myself up for being a burden still afraid of the dark with horrible social anxiety. But now I know, I'm 21 and I now have so much mercy for myself. I wasn't a coward, I was just undiagnosed. If OCD wasn't just presented as germaphobia and perfectionism, maybe I could've been saved a lot of heart ache. Just wondered if anyone else had struggled with OCD as a kid like me and had the same strange experience understanding what they felt wasn't normal.