- Username
- Beatocd
- Date posted
- 5y ago
A lot of people who have HOCD have had similar experiences in their childhood, called childhood experimentation (I think). My experience lasted from when I was about 4 to about 9 that bordered along sexual abuse. The experiences I had truly fueled my HOCD. I have always been attracted to women. But in my early 20's I became obsessed about what if my experiences made me gay. The thoughts plagued my mind. I began to see a therapist and for 5 years learned techniques of ERP and mindfulness based CBT. I made peace with the experiences from my past by accepting them as my experiences but I an choose how they define me. And whenever I begin to question or the thoughts come back I use ERP by thinking "maybe I am gay". I also purposefully made friends with and forced myself to be around people who triggered the intrusive thoughts. It was hard and the thoughts didn't just go away. But I learned how to respond to the thoughts. Now years later the thoughts don't appear as frequently but they still will from time to time, however now I know how to respond. You can't control your thoughts but you can control your response. You are not your thoughts.
A lot of things that happen in childhood are strange and undefinable and they don’t upset or confuse us until we try to go back and look at them through the lense of adulthood. As a child, this didn’t bother you. And it’s because it’s related to your OCD theme that you’re now revisiting it over and over looking for some kind of explanation or confirmation that it was a sign of something. It makes total sense that your mind would latch onto this. Keep in mind that you have 1000s I’d other strange and undefinable childhood experiences that might also strike you differently now that you’re an adult. But your mind doesn’t care about those because those wouldn’t help fuel your obsession. It found this one because it knew it could be another trigger for your OCD. I know it’s a difficult memory to think about because it’s triggering, but I’d use it for ERP. Think about it again and again and respond by accepting the uncertainty, “maybe I am gay and maybe that was a sign early on. Or not. Can’t really say. Oh well.”
The same thing happened to me when I was about 8 or 9. It bothers me still today
Like when I think or fantasize about women it feels good. Idk why it bothers me
Tips?
Honestly I don’t know. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone in person so I’ve never asked a professional what to do
I’m 100% attracted to females but because of what I did I think maybe I am gay. Do you feel the same way?
It’s not that I think I’m gay it’s that the event is repulsive. The thoughts in my head are intrusive and bothersome and take up headspace
Yeah I feel the same way
Thanks! It feels good I’m not alone
this is going to be very very TMI. but i feel like i need to let it out bc it is one of the biggest triggers of my Homosexual OCD. i’ve liked boys my whole life , even though i was very shy with it i always did. whether it be on tv, movies, my older brother’s friends, my guy friends, guys in school, etc. u get the point. always loved guys always will even though OCD likes to tell me otherwise. however, when i was little say age 7, one of my older friends by a year she was 8, introduced me to porn. yeah i know i was really really young. i had a clue on what “sex” was (not really but i knew it was something adults did and had something to do with kissing). so when she showed me we would masturbate to it together and that was that. i would do this every so often alone on my computer from age 7. insanely young to even know about that i know. and then when me and her would practice kissing together. and we would dry hump each other. but the thing is we would take turns pretending to be “the boy”. like i would “be the boy” so she could practice and then she would “be the boy” so then i could. i know it’s normal for young girls even guys to engage in same sex experimentation because of curiousity. but i feel like my HOCD always picks at this telling me i’m gay. she and i are still such close friends and i never thought about our younger years until i got HOCD. i don’t have any attraction towards her and never did when i was younger. i always would pretend she was a boy. sometimes she’d even ask me and i would just get so uncomfortable kissing her it was all weird to me and not right. at a young age i knew that. i still have never been sexually attracted to a woman or had a desire to be with one . idk why i’m writing this. to let it out i guess. if u made it this far thanks
Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.
Can someone please just help me, I’m a 23 year old male and I have been molested by my cousins when I was younger and they did things to me when I was a kid and I ended up doing some sexual things to two other guys but I was like 11 or 12 I was little but I’m 23 now and i have so many intrusive thoughts about my sexuality I have a gf right now but it’s killing me I question myself every second I just don’t know what to do anymore I know I’m not gay but at the same time it’s like why did I do that to two other people when I was a kid what does that mean ? I’ve been fine until this past October my whole world fell apart with these thoughts from my past or something I’ve just lost myself.
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