I’m in my late 20s and when I was 6 years old I remember being in bed with a buddy and I pretended to hump him pretending it was a girl. 20 years later that moment causes me a lot of distress with HOCD. Even tho the thoughts never bothered me in past and I been attracted to girls and been in intimate relations with women why does that one moment bother me so much. The exposure therapy works for looking at pics of men but I can’t seem to fathom that one. What is y’all a advice?

A lot of people who have HOCD have had similar experiences in their childhood, called childhood experimentation (I think). My experience lasted from when I was about 4 to about 9 that bordered along sexual abuse. The experiences I had truly fueled my HOCD. I have always been attracted to women. But in my early 20's I became obsessed about what if my experiences made me gay. The thoughts plagued my mind. I began to see a therapist and for 5 years learned techniques of ERP and mindfulness based CBT. I made peace with the experiences from my past by accepting them as my experiences but I an choose how they define me. And whenever I begin to question or the thoughts come back I use ERP by thinking "maybe I am gay". I also purposefully made friends with and forced myself to be around people who triggered the intrusive thoughts. It was hard and the thoughts didn't just go away. But I learned how to respond to the thoughts. Now years later the thoughts don't appear as frequently but they still will from time to time, however now I know how to respond. You can't control your thoughts but you can control your response. You are not your thoughts.

A lot of things that happen in childhood are strange and undefinable and they don’t upset or confuse us until we try to go back and look at them through the lense of adulthood. As a child, this didn’t bother you. And it’s because it’s related to your OCD theme that you’re now revisiting it over and over looking for some kind of explanation or confirmation that it was a sign of something. It makes total sense that your mind would latch onto this. Keep in mind that you have 1000s I’d other strange and undefinable childhood experiences that might also strike you differently now that you’re an adult. But your mind doesn’t care about those because those wouldn’t help fuel your obsession. It found this one because it knew it could be another trigger for your OCD. I know it’s a difficult memory to think about because it’s triggering, but I’d use it for ERP. Think about it again and again and respond by accepting the uncertainty, “maybe I am gay and maybe that was a sign early on. Or not. Can’t really say. Oh well.”

The same thing happened to me when I was about 8 or 9. It bothers me still today

Like when I think or fantasize about women it feels good. Idk why it bothers me

Tips?

Honestly I don’t know. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone in person so I’ve never asked a professional what to do

I’m 100% attracted to females but because of what I did I think maybe I am gay. Do you feel the same way?

It’s not that I think I’m gay it’s that the event is repulsive. The thoughts in my head are intrusive and bothersome and take up headspace

Yeah I feel the same way

Thanks! It feels good I’m not alone