HOCD is killing me!!

Hi so I'm at a point in my life where I feel no anxiety or no anxiety, I guess I still worry and obsess about my Hocd otherwise why would I be typing this? But because I don't get panic attacks, my brain and my feelings keep telling me that I want to have these thoughts and want to date guys, and weirdly enough, I get groinal responses, I feel like I'm more attracted to guys, I'm looking back into my past to ask myself was I just attracted to men all along, never had fantasies or sexual thoughts about them but I'm confused. And now it feels like I'm at a point where I don't care. like if I were in denial and gay, I would be ok with it, BUT I DONT WANT TO BE THOUGH. I know I'm sexually attracted to girls however I get anxious from fantasizing now. I feel no relief or motivation even right after I just got diagnosed with OCD which should be a good thing! Idk but I feel like I would be interested in dating guys now and I don't want that even though it feels like I want and im lying to myself.

anxiousmollusk

Date posted: 2y

I’m with you, feeling very similarly. Going through all my memories for proof, jeez is it exhausting. But i agree you wouldn’t be here posting if your anxiety wasn’t manifesting about it in some way

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

yeah, i know i feel so lost, I feel like i lost my attraction to women and SHOOT! I'm questioning now if I were ever attracted to women in the first place. Like a girl on snap just now send me a mirror pick, and it was cute and shes really pretty, however I'm questioning if I really am attracted to her and it kind feels like Im not. and I know HOCD can dimished attraction and that's for everyone but for some I'm assuming its different for me idk why.

anxiousmollusk

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I’m with ya, I think I read somewhere that everyone is gonna think they’re the exception! I’ve been working on trying to accept that I might not be all that special in what I’m thinking through, and even tho it feels like lying, it’s comforting to have others relate. I’m struggling a lot rn bc throughout my life I’ve never taken physical attraction too seriously at all, just really cared about people’s personalities and how they treated others, bc that’s where my values lie. Now that I’m going through all of this my soocd is making it feel like I just did that to avoid thinking about what I was actually attracted to :/

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@anxiousmollusk - Im really sorry to hear that. It seems like were both in a crappy position. but its good that you have really good values though, at the end of the day that's more important than looks. I think i relate to you where we both find personalities very attractive. But me personally, I've always wanted to be with a girl, always fantisized about. And now its weird, my ocd is trying to make me grossed out by it at times which is weird for me.

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

I get it about the memories. Problem is though, in nearly every memory it always seems like I was attracted to a girl without realizing. Or memories randomly pop up out of nowhere and make me question more. I keep thinking the fact that I thought this is ridiculous when this first happened should be enough proof that it's not real, but I feel like every memory and everything that's happened since has brought me too far down the rabbit whole and I'm too far gone now.

anxiousmollusk

Date posted: 2y

@Meg Johnson I’m with ya dude, I keep having things pop up as well. It feels weird to have had this experience of thinking every memory into the ground like now I can’t undo that overthinking

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

@anxiousmollusk - Exactly! I can't undo that, it will always be there and OCD will always hold it over my head.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 19w

Hocd is literally a clown in my head.

Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymous1348

Date posted: 15w

hocd

I don’t know what to do anymore, this started nearly a year ago and caused so much stress and panic attacks over the thought of loosing my boyfriend. Now it just feels real and that he always liked girls and suppressed it (but like the boys i always liked in the past were real feelings they had to be and with my boyfriend i love him) but i haven’t got much anxiety now feels like i want the thoughts and that they don’t bother me even tho they used to, this seems to happen every time i get a lil better, idk just feels so true and that’s what i acc want with no stress, just a lil scared.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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HOCD is killing me!!

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