Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Recovery - What Does it Look Like for ROCD?

Hi Friends! Today I have spent some time looking back over the past 3 years since finding NOCD therapy. When I first started ERP, I honestly didn't think recovery was possible, but I was willing to do anything to save my relationship. As I started to gain ground with ERP, I gave myself permission to think about what I would want recovery to look like. Personally, I wanted to get to a place where I didn't feel the need to question my S.O's love for me. I wrote these exact words: "While there are no relationship guarantees, this doesn't mean you shouldn't try or remain in constant fear that it will end. I want to enjoy each day to the best of my ability and not shy away from giving and receiving love. I will sit with the uncomfortable thoughts until they pass" While not perfect, I have seen these goals come to fruition. I would love to hear what you wish recovery would look like for you? Or for those there, what does recovery look like to you?

68273

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for sharing. I always was under the impression that recovery meant no longer having ocd. But as you have wrote here, it means living your life the way you want to despite the fears

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes! This was honestly a struggle for me at first. I had to come to terms with the fact that recovery didn't mean OCD was gone, but that I could function and excel with it's presence still there!

LRC

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@ I think acceptance of this is also crucial for my recovery, and sitting with the “but do you KNOW what you want thoughts” will be my exposure

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

@LRC - Yes! I wholeheartedly agree!

angel 78

Date posted: 2y

Yes absolutely

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

It’s so hard when the person you love the most is the one that’s the trigger

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

I agree! That is one of the most frustrating parts about OCD, the fact that it has to latch onto the thing or person we love/value the most!

Brendan =]

Date posted: 2y

It’s so hard when (what is potentially) ROCD causes you to doubt your love for your partner. Responding to that with uncertainty is painful and hard, too. It also sucks when it causes you so much pain you can barely function and you’re up at 4:40 AM laying in the guest bed trying not to ruminate, cry, or do compulsions but you just want relief. >_>

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

I am sorry you are experiencing this doubt and pain, Brendan! You are so far from alone, my friend. I know how hard this is and how all-consuming it feels, especially when the thoughts surround our love for others. Keep the course and lean onto your therapist for support and direction! I know it isn't the easy answer, but ERP is truly the best way to see results and find lasting relief!

Brendan =]

Date posted: 2y

@ Thank you for the kind words and for motivating those of us with ROCD to ask for help and to help one another!

Genna123

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for this. I have had OCD my whole life and it’s hard to remember that it most likely won’t completely disappear as i will always have certain tendencies however as you said, there are skills, lessons, and techniques that help make living an enjoyable experience and the ocd symptoms are minimized and live with you instead of against you

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes! It's can be tough to come to terms with this, but also so very freeing! The more we can apply ERP, the more we can see that OCD really doesn't have to take the lead and can live our lives to the fullest!

Genna123

Date posted: 2y

@ Thank you😊

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes - I love this! I think we can all benefit from remembering your last statement - accepting OCD's presence, but not giving it power!

Genna123

Date posted: 2y

@ Thats awesome!

isaacmasimore

Date posted: 2y

@squishybat Choosing to be present beside OCD’s presence is real power 😎

Aivlissa

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

When I first joined OCD, I remember typing that "I no longer want to feel like I'm a prisoner of my own mind". The other day I saw my boyfriend texting on his phone and for the time in over a year, I honestly didn't care who he was texting 😁. THAT is what recovery looks for me... Seeing triggers & unwanted intrusive thoughts and simply thinking "Meh, who cares" and simply go about my day. I'm getting there, slowly but surely!

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Incredible!!!! So so happy for you! That is what it's all about and you made it happen through so much hard work and perseverance!

Majin

Date posted: 2y

I had my 2nd session today and I feel so frustrated. We haven’t yet begun to tackle my OCD and I’m in a bad mood because I’m desperate to rid myself of this feeling of mistrust with my girlfriend. I know it’s ruining my relationship and it’s hard on her. I love her so much and I can’t stop comparing myself with her past or the love and memories she shared with past lovers. She cries and doesn’t understand why I can’t comprehend the love she has for me. I love her so much that I stepped into recovery to salvage the love that I found with her. Yesterday we had an argument because she told me she would love marriage and a baby with me. All I could think was, “You’ve wanted that with someone else before, how am I different?” She cried and said that what does it matter what she wanted in the past, that now she is with me and that’s what’s important. I hate comparing everything and seeing her sad. I’m desperate to cure myself and your post gave me hope, even if it seems so small at the moment.

Majin

Date posted: 2y

@Majin I always feel like I’m less special or our relationship is less special because she has had a past with others. I know in my heart that is not the case, as I’ve also shared experiences with others before her.

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

@Majin - Majin, thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing. My heart is heavy for you, as I can so very much relate to everything you have shared. I spent so long, and even struggle from time to time now, with my husband's past relationships. I became convinced that because he loved other people or saw a future with others that it made things with us less special or less meaningful. ERP has really helped with these doubts and uncertainties. I know it can be frustrating right now because you are so desperate to feel better, but try to hang in there. Resources and direction are on their way, along with recovery! Stay the course and know that you are on the right path!

A. V.

Date posted: 2y

omg i feel so hopeful after reading this, it has made me emotional, almost crying (in a good way)

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling hopeful, A.V.! We are on this journey together!

angel 78

Date posted: 2y

Recovery for me would be peacefulness freedom but still having to work for what I have and staying in contact with my program and doing what I have to do to keep my behaviors in check each day

Genna123

Date posted: 2y

@angel 78 100% agree

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes! I love this and that you are working your way towards these amazing goals!

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

I don’t know what recovery is anymore. I’ve been trying erp for 14 months and it has helped when I’m not with my partner, but when we’re together I’m almost always feeling triggered. I had hope at the start of my recovery journey but I feel quite hopeless now. Trying to now come to terms with the fact that I might never be able to sustain a relationship.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 I’m feeling this way too I feel helpless and like I’m doomed to be single

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Same :( I like to try and have a little hope that that isn’t the case or that I can handle it if I’m never able to sustain a relationship but it is a really scary, saddening & lonely prospect at times isn’t it. Especially when you see others without ocd who have so much confidence and joy in their relationship. The prospect of living without that is horrible. And I know that erp is meant to be the key to recovery but after 14 months of trying I’m feeling like a failure with it. Trying to think of it though like it’s probably gonna take me more than a year to recover from something I’ve suffered from for 10 years.

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 To add to that, my ROCD doesn’t present like a lot of others here in the comments who are hyper anxious about if their partner loves them or will leave them. Mine is more about if I love my partner or if I’m attracted enough to him. It’s always about that in my relationships. Feels very lonely & makes me feel like I’m incapable of love or can’t trust myself. I try to use these as exposures but they sure do make me really sad.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 Me too, mines about if I love my partner and it makes me so sad

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Well I’m glad at least that we are not alone

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 Me too but it’s so unfair how people don’t have this like why me

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Yeah agreed. It is really unfair. I’m trying to see it like “well everyone struggles with something” but it does feel cruel that our struggle is love and relationships, the thing that everyone needs most. I hope you can find some kind of recovery though & that we can both learn to find our own happiness even if we can’t ever sustain a relationship

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 Me too! Feel free to reach out whenever!

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous You too :)

Brendan =]

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 My struggles are about my partner, too. I worry I’m not attracted or in love with him. Treatment isn’t doing too too much for me either. If it’s about his physical appearance, you may want to look into BDD by Proxy. It may or may not apply, but as a person with BDD, I think it does for me. Research is still in its infancy, but there is evidence of an overlap. Let me know if you’d like to hear more or discuss this further. =]

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@Brendan =] Hi Brendan. I had never heard of BDD by proxy until you mentioned it. Interesting, it might be worth me looking into. Are there any specific resources you’d recommend to learn more about it?

Brendan =]

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 Hey! Hope you’re well. I’m going to provide two links below, but in all honesty, I’d encourage you to research it on your own, too. I’ve been Googling it for a while and sadly, the information is limited, but I don’t think learning about a condition or potential condition is a bad thing, unless done compulsively. While studies and research are limited, treatment is available in a different form of therapy called CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I’m at the point where I’m talking with my therapist about remaining in ERP or returning to CBT. I could be VERY wrong, but it seems to me that quite a few people in ERP treatment with ROCD that contains distressing appearance concerns about their partner aren’t responding to that treatment as well as they would like. I have been through that treatment module and responded well. The articles below both list Dr. Jennifer Greenberg as an author, who interestingly enough, was my CBT therapist for my BDD at Mass. General back when I still lived in Massachusetts. xD She saved and changed my life. A lot of information about BDD is available, and I’d encourage you to read up upon that as well, as the only real difference between BDD and BDD by Proxy seems to be focusing on someone else as the person of concern (BDD by Proxy) vs. yourself (BDD). What I do not know, however, is if ROCD by itself can cause distressing appearance concerns without classifying as BDDBP or if in some cases, it’s both. There is probably some overlap as both are OCD related disorders and both involve identical (or at least very similar) concerns, obsessions, rituals, distress, doubts, impairments, and fears. I’m happy to talk further either here or on Discord (@PeetaGaga#4830) if you have any other questions or would like to know more about my story or about CBT. Anyone reading this can feel free to message me on there, too. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4043138/ https://bdd.iocdf.org/expert-opinions/bdd-by-proxy/

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

I am very sorry to hear this, N3sh14! That sounds incredibly difficult and frustrating. May I ask, have you mentioned to your ERP specialist your concerns about treatment and feeling hopeless over recovery? This open dialogue is very important! Maybe there are adjustments that can be made to help you further!

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@ Yes I’ve mentioned it to my therapist before

N3sh14

Date posted: 2y

@ I’ve expressed it in the past in session. I also expressed it last week in a message. Unfortunately I didn’t get a reply back about it though. Maybe she didn’t see it, who knows, but it does make me think I probably need to go down a different avenue or just do this on my own without a therapist.

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

@N3sh14 - Thank you for letting me know and I'm sorry to hear that you haven't received a reply back from your clinician. If this is a NOCD therapist, my team and I are here to be of help! If you can, please reach out to us in the messaging feature of the app under "Member Advocates." We can look into this for you and see how we can be of further help! All of us here at NOCD truly want you to have the best, most life-changing experience!

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

I so appreciate your vulnerability! It definitely can be tough to begin to imagine what recovery looks like. I know I felt that way and didn't even allow myself to think about it for a while. I love your goal-oriented mindset and readiness to figure this out and succeed!

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

But it’s almost like being with them is a ERP and learning to accept the thoughts but not believing them right?

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

That could certainly be an ERP example! Unfortunately, as I am not a clinician, I cannot speak to advice or confirmation of ERP. Are you currently connected with an OCD specialist?

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Recovery is hard, this week has been really hard because it’s my first week and it feels true writing all the exposures it feels like I want to do the things I expose myself too, especially when I don’t get that anxious

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

I definitely understand that! The beginning was so tough for me, especially writing down those exposures. Try to remember to take it one day at a time! ERP is a ladder to success and you only need to focus on each step, not the top!

isaacmasimore

Date posted: 2y

We are on this journey together! Thank you for sharing your story.

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes - we are never alone! I'm so grateful for NOCD and this platform to speak with others on this same journey!

Slaybestie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Recovery is not linear But doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy me relationship

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes!! 1000%

Slaybestie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

As hard as it is, embrace uncertainty

Rebecca F

Date posted: 2y

Yes! Words to live by!

Andrea Wells

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

My OCD Journey

Looking back, I realize I’ve had OCD since I was 7. though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 30. As a kid, I was consumed by fears I couldn’t explain: "What if God isn’t real? What happens when we die? How do I know I’m real?" These existential thoughts terrified me, and while everyone has them from time to time, I felt like they were consuming my life. By 12, I was having daily panic attacks about death and war, feeling untethered from reality as depersonalization and derealization set in. At 15, I turned to drinking, spending the next 15 years drunk, trying to escape my mind. I hated myself, struggled with my body, and my intrusive thoughts. Sobriety forced me to face it all head-on. In May 2022, I finally learned I had OCD. I remember the exact date: May 10th. Reading about it, I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This explains everything." My main themes were existential OCD and self-harm intrusive thoughts. The self-harm fears were the hardest: "What if I kill myself? What if I lose control?" These thoughts terrified me because I didn’t want to die. ERP changed everything. At first, I thought, "You want me to confront my worst fears? Are you kidding me?" But ERP is gradual and done at your pace. My therapist taught me to lean into uncertainty instead of fighting it. She’d say, "Maybe you’ll kill yourself—who knows?" At first, it felt scary, but for OCD, it was freeing. Slowly, I realized my thoughts were just thoughts. ERP gave me my life back. I’m working again, I’m sober, and for the first time, I can imagine a future. If you’re scared to try ERP, I get it. But if you’re already living in fear, why not try a set of tools that can give you hope?

lovemybf ❤️🧿

Date posted: 22w

Those who recovered?

People who went from a really bad time with OCD to a better time now. Is it really possible? What was your theme? Did you take medication?

Catherine Na...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 20w

ROCD this Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love, however if you are living with Relationship OCD (ROCD) this can be a very triggering day. Relationship OCD is essentially, the fear of being in the wrong relationship, not truly loving your partner, or not being loved by your partner. This makes you doubt the true nature of your relationship and makes you believe that your entire relationship is based on lies. It can make you feel like a bad person and not worthy of love. ROCD will make you believe that you need to leave the relationship just to find some peace. When we think about ROCD we often think that this only applies to romantic relationships, however ROCD can impact friendships and family relationships as well. ROCD will attack whatever relationship is most important to you. As an ERP therapist some of the most common obsessions that I have seen include “Is my partner ‘The One’”? “Maybe I am meant to be with someone else”. “What if my partner cheats on me or worse I cheat on him/her”? “I find X attractive. Should I break up with my partner and be with X”? “Do I even love my partner? What if they don’t love me?” This list could go on and on. The basis of all of these intrusive thoughts is fear and doubt. The compulsions associated with ROCD are vast. The most common include checking feelings to make sure you really love your partner, avoidance behaviors, reassurance seeking behaviors both from your partner and from others and ruminating on the relationship in the hopes of figuring out if this is the “right” relationship for you. ROCD, as in most theses in OCD, wants 100% uncertainty that this relationship will work out with no conflict or compromise. The problem is this is unrealistic. All relationships will have some level of conflict and compromise in them. There is no “perfect relationship”. Most of us have grown up with fairy tales where one true love will come and sweep up off our feet. Life and relationships can be messy and complicated, but they are worth it and are a key aspect of what makes us human. The fact is ROCD makes you doubt everything and will take the joy, excitement and contentment out of the relationship. The good news is that treatment is available, and it is possible to have a long, happy, fulfilling relationship despite ROCD fears. It does take time, perseverance and patience. Treatment using Exposure Response Prevention has been proven to lessen intrusive thoughts. You will learn to manage your expectations of the relationships while leaning into your fears and learning to accept the uncomfortable feelings. By doing this, you can bring joy and contentment back into you life and your relationships. I'd love to hear about how ROCD is showing up for you. Share your experiences in the comments below or ask your questions about ROCD and I will respond to them.

Relationship OCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Recovery - What Does it Look Like for ROCD?

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community