Rudeness.

I’m thinking about doing erp but my ocd is so severe the thought of accepting my fears happening to me makes me sick to my stomach. I also believe in the power of my words and saying I accept this Bad thing will attract it into my life. I’m not sure what I should do🥲

Was listening to the diarrhea song cuz I remember hearing it as a kid, this one guys version ended with “when she’s sitting on your face and you get a bad taste.” Anywho I had a whole thing bc of that involving different people but the main one that’s bothering me is I thought of my sister and her bf. They’re pretty edgy and I guess in general edgy people are freaky. Anywho I had the urge to imagine them while he gives her oral. And I tried to ignore it but it seemed too real and so I gave in and imagined it. And shocked, I think I liked it. Whether it’s because it’s sexual in nature so it was a general thing, or a taboo thing and that’s why I liked it BECAUSE it was gross and I shouldn’t think about it. But anyhow people say ocd can’t make you do things but I believe it still in a way made me purposely think that. Any words of advice appreciated !!

I sit on a swivel chair sometimes and when people get too close to me I move the chair away from them cause I don’t wanna go crazy and move it towards their groin. But one time someone was super close to the swivel chair like they were making contact with it and I had a thought of what if I move it towards their body and I felt the need to move the chair an inch towards them and so I moved it quickly and without hesitation and idk why like I must be crazy tbh. There is also this vague sense of wrongness attached to the memory. It is present right before the movement. It almost feels like I remember thinking an evil thought or having bad intentions but just don’t really remember. I try to prevent stuff from happening but this time I snapped I guess. Also I wasn’t anxious at all until afterwards. I was in a good mood at the time. I know OCD can cause urges but it feels like I remember turning bad/evil before I did it. Idk anymore. I just can’t live like this anymore. I’m terrified of myself