Rudeness.

I have this issue where I can vividly imagine hurting others or animals or say things OUTLOUD that may be disruptive or disrespectful becauss I am overstimulated by soemthing someone is doing or saying. So, Over stimulation with people and animals and things they do can be a big part of it, Sometimes I will see soemthing that bothers me about someone and I just want to either fix it or hit them because they make me so overstimulated I just want to hit the problem. I never act on these things obviously but SOMETIMES it leaks out and I hit my hands together to calm the urges. I really don’t like imagining hurting others but when I get mad I obsess over what I would or could do to them or might or would’ve in a situation in the past, had it planned out differently. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it and then get upset with myself because I know it’s wrong to be thinking about hurting others and it worries me I may someday act on something impulsive and harm someone. Sometimes I cry about it because I never want to hurt people. Really I don’t. Most of these thoughts happen in milliseconds and I have a second part in my brain like a THOUGHT processor/auto corrective thinking reminding me I can’t do that because it’s morally wrong and I am too good of a person to do that and there is nothing to stress over.

This is probably related to ocd, I don’t know. I’ve had obsessions about doing bad prayers. It has led to me doing some as tests I think or actually doing them. It got so complicated that I decided “I will do any prayer good or bad that comes into my head,” and I basically started constantly doing every bad prayer I could think of, thinking of why I’d want it, etc. I feel crappy, because I believe I meant some of them, which I wasn’t supposed to care about when doing this. It makes me feel like a bad person. This could be erp too, I don’t know, but I basically just compulsively let my mind go to the absolute worst places it has been and can go with no filter

Just trying to accept the uncertainty and move on.... I don't want to be bad.... I want to be a good person.... But I feel like a bad person sometimes I get horribly disgusting thoughts when I'm angry and think the most horrendous things