R*pe ocd ……. Again

@Tiredoflife Yeah, it’s so tricky. If it follows these things, and it usually attaches onto what we love or care about. If you are happy, safe, comfortable with your boyfriend it tries to create doubt. It can be hard to distinguish what it is

@Anonymous 99 Yeah it is . Should I just ride out the anxiety ? Cause I never thoguht this deeply about it until i started having this theme

@Tiredoflife If it matches the checklist for OCD, I would ride out and sit with the discomfort that OCD brings you. I do this myself, example: “Maybe it was the r word, maybe it wasn’t. I am not sure and will sit with this discomfort.” Overtime as I do this, it lessens its power over my life and helps me remain in the present moment.

@Anonymous 99 I love my bf but now I’m just triggered and I’m like what if he’s actually a r*pist and I’m just in denial . I hate this so much . I love him .

@Tiredoflife That is where I would in my brain, pause, and identify the thought. “Hmm this thought starts with a ‘what if…’ this must be the OCD. I am choosing to sit with this discomfort, maybe he is or maybe he’s not either way I love him and am choosing to be with him” and then you just continue on with whatever you have to do that day or moment even with those awful yucky feelings of anxiety.

@Anonymous 99 I’m just more worried about ppl viewing my bf as a r word from what I described bc it just makes me sad that ppl would view him as that . But I feel like it’s all ocd . I just hate this but ima try to ride the wave

@Anonymous 99 All the this you listed is what I’ve been experiencing. What if , figuring out . Anxiety.

@Stevie 😭I thought I was the only one . I’m more worried about people viewing my bf as a r*pist . From what I’ve explained over these past months in here . Ik I could just not worry about others opinions and just worry about me and my bf but idk it just breaks my heart that people probably view him as that . And I be talking about this to him and I feel bad bc it’s probably making him feel like shit and i don’t want that . And the yk have the what if’s thoguhts . This is so horrible. I’m honestly getting depressed over this

@Tiredoflife I literally have this fear 24/7, my psychologist keeps telling me to not be concerned with what other people think- but it is so hard! As a compulsion I used to call the National sexual assault hotline almost everyday to ask if certain things made him a r*pist. And I would google for hours a day, and ask my friends and family for reassurance. I have sort of decided to accept the idea that every relationship and person have moments where they are not perfect. It does not define the person, so long as their intentions were in the right place, it sounds like your boyfriend is a caring person, so maybe this could help you too?

@Stevie Did your friends and family tell you that is not r word ?

@Tiredoflife I have only told two of them - and they said it isn’t, and the people on the helpline said the same thing (aside from one person who I think was confused by my story). But I wouldn’t recommend asking people because I have found it doesn’t help. I always think of another fact which could change their minds, or another situation etc. I mean that’s always the way with ocd. It offers short term relief but gets you stuck

@Stevie Omgg that’s how I feel like when I’m explaining a new moment pops up and it’s just confusing .

@Tiredoflife Yeah it’s actually the worst! I’ve been stuck on this theme for over a year now, but it is slowly getting better with erp :)

@Stevie Is it normal to have anxiety when wanting to have sex while dealing with this theme ? Like have your ever talked to you therapist about that ? Cause I want to have sex but at the same time the anxiety makes me not want to

@Tiredoflife I haven’t really spoken to my therapist about it because it is higher up my exposure hierarchy, but I think it’s normal. I definitely experience this, my partner and I rarely have sex now because of it.

@Stevie I talked to my bf about this last night and I felt better . I’m getting over about but a thoguht that’s bothering me is …. I believe he told me in the beginning he sometimes was manipulative when it came to sex . Like guilt tripping and sometimes he does it but he doesn’t pressure me. And I keep getting bothered what if manipulation is worse than coercion even tho I believe it’s the same thing . I don’t think coercion is r word to an extent and I don’t feel like that happened to me even if he did that . But it’s definitely bad thing to do but I don’t think it’s r word if he was manipulative

@Stevie Oh and please read what I sent with a trigger warning just incase

@Tiredoflife Hey, I’m really glad you talked to him about this. It seems like you are beginning to jump to different obsessions in the same theme. I think maybe what is best, is to seek out counselling/therapy for your ocd. Once you are feeling in a better place with your mental health, you will be able to have more productive conversations with your bf and make clearer decisions in relation to all of this. Hope this helps :)

@Stevie I don’t want to do counseling but I’m going to see a psychiatrist soon for medicine. Next month . And do you ever get over a the theme for one day and the next day you feel like it’s coming back stronger :/ that’s how I’m feeling rn

@Tiredoflife Hi, yeah I do get this if I engage in rumination too much. Experiencing this today as well. But I ended up talking to my boyfriend about it and he reassures me, and tells me anything from the past have only been miscommunications. I know this is true because he always tried to have conversations surrounding consent to make sure he knew what to do, but I would often dismiss him. He told me he would never want to do something I didn’t want, and he only wants to make me happy. But my ocd still latches on to the uncertainty of whether I set clear boundaries etc. Is this what your brain does too?