I've recently been on a journey to find an effective therapy for my chronic pain(migraine). It's exhausting and draining and horrible, sure, but the thing that is the worst for me is the idea that some therapy will work. I'm terrified that this journey will end, it will have a simple solution, an easily accessible medication, and my pain will go away. One of the reasons, the reason I'm more comfortable talking about, is that my pain is real to me in a world, and in a mind, where few things can have an intense reality like pain. Generally, I ocillate between being unconvinced of my own existence or critically aware of it. I'm all jumbled up, my head is a swamp of ruminations and thought-stopping illusions, but my pain cuts through it like a knife. When my migraines are the worst, there are no more thoughts, just pain. This isn't stopping me from looking for a treatment though, and I mostly think of it as an interesting quirk in my relationship to my pain. The thing that really scares me, that might hold me back, is that I will get an easy treatment, the pain won't be there, and it was never as bad as I thought it was. In fact, this thing that has defined me, been a bouy in the storm of OCD even, was never real. It was attention, self-obsession, and it can go away easily because I'm blowing it out of proportion. I don't believe I'm lying, I'm scared that I'll be told it is a small thing or that it's not there at all. I'm oversensitive. I'm crying for help. There is no migraine, there is only OCD. It's silly to me as I write it, with a headache of course, but this is the thought plaguing me. This is what holds me back and urges me to not call my neurologist back, I'm scared it will have all been nothing, and then it will be gone.
