huh ? i wont post a lot anymore because it makes things worse but right now i feel very sad and exhausted. whenever I forget about my transgender-ocd i get other themes and it goes in circles. i dont know what is real anymore and now i just think all of this is true. i dont want to give up but im sitting in front of my desk, just numb. i want to cry, three years in this battle is a lot and i dont know what i wouldve done if i wouldnt have found this app.

I feel like I’ve lost my identity and I don’t even know who I am anymore. My OCD is saying I’m not a woman but I hate that. And I fear that it isn’t OCD, and that I just genuinely am trans or gender fluid or something. I just can’t accept that no matter how hard I try. All I want is to feel like myself again. Pronouns are a trigger for me and they’re literally EVERYWHERE. It’s just so difficult. In a way, I miss having harm OCD or existential OCD or even health OCD because atleast I was still me. But it isn’t fair to say that because as I was going through them, they were awful. The grass is always greener I guess. I’m just feeling a little bit hopeless and alone, because I don’t think ‘gender questioning’ is a very common theme.

so i feel like i need to vent because all of this is just building up, 3 months ago when i had my first intrusive thought that caused an obsession that went on for weeks and then every other week a new intrusive thought would pop up and i’d obsess over that one. and it continues with multiple themes. some even similar to the one i’m dealing with right now but for some reason this one feels so much more real then again all the themes did. i really don’t know how to explain it, frightened if it’s just me. some days i feel completely numb to it like i’m a bad person but if that was so why would i keep fighting it and being in distress over it. it’s breaking my heart. i should know that it’s no coincidence since i’ve been dealing with this thing. whatever it might be ): i really don’t want to give up but i’m just scared. it all feels wrong and i feel numb or sometimes the ugliest stuff pops into my head. also the old themes have tried popping up again. i wonder if this whole thing is just my fault if it’s all just me but the truth is i guess i’ll never know... there’s so much more i could say... but i hope someone can relate to this... is it possible to feel just completely not like yourself like you’re trying so hard to just be the way you are but it’s hard because you have to sit with the fear inside your head... cause tbh there’s no other choice

i keep thinking that I’m using tocd as an excuse to avoid the truth that I might be a boy. I never thought that I felt this way at least not when I was younger and I thought I was normal and like any other girl. But now I keep remembering so much stuff from my childhood and it feels true and it was just something I didn’t know about until I guess I’ve gained the knowledge to understand how I felt? I’m not really sure I’m always confused and I feel like my head is going to explode, but I don’t feel like a girl anymore and I don’t feel connected to my body in the way I once was. Everything that I held as a value seems to be turning into something so morally against my character or something. I used to constantly feel like though that I was still finding myself or something as in like what I wanted to do career wise and how I wanted to dress like my aesthetic but I never felt like I was in the wrong body or that I wanted to be a boy. I of course had moments where the typical girl thing would be that boys lives are so much easier but I never wanted to be a boy or was envious of their gender. I love or I guess loved being a girl and didn’t want to change that. I’m not sexually attracted to women I really don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to be that masculine figure in a relationship or in any other area and life but I can’t help but think that this is my true self but I just don’t want to be a boy I loved being a girl and wearing makeup and dressing up and doing girl things but now all of a sudden it’s like I want to do every manly thing in existence idk but I know those things I don’t enjoy. I don’t know I’m so confused and can’t help but feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse and lying to myself and then when I remind myself it is ocd it just feels wrong idk maybe this is who I am and to be honest I just want to cry but even then I can’t tell if that’s real or not and that I’m crying because I still want to be a girl or just crying to cry idk