Self-Sabotage and ROCD

@mel0206 I understand how that works. I know that if we give-in to fear it only takes hold. But when I tell my wife hey babe hold me or I have the courage to say why I need it helps. I don’t always do this but it helps when I do because I’ve began to listen to her. She told me if I need something, tell her instead of letting the fears or thought take over, which isn’t good. It give me anxiety and then draws a line between us instead of bringing us together. I’ve learned to communicate what I need or would like. I’ve also learn I need to discern what is real and what is not

@JorgeMac2017 Yes I did that today, I asked him if he was mad at me and I got the feeling he was ignoring me because he didn't text me goodnight. But then he said no, he's not mad at me, there's no reason for that, and that lately he's just been falling asleep in front of the television and that's why he sometimes doesn't text me good night. Communication is key 🔑

Thank you for sharing, mel0206! I can very much relate. My brain would question why I never received "Good Morning" texts. Was I not what he wanted to think about first thing? Was I not that important? Turns out - he just was super busy in the mornings! Logical - but ROCD loves to doubt!

@ It’s the same thing my girlfriend in sending emails

Exactly! The mental exhaustion is so real and taxing!

@ ROCD is just totally exhausting, one day you doubt your feelings towards your partner all day, the next day you doubt whether you are important to him because he doesn't text you good morning good night. Exhausting, irrational, but you can't just turn your head off

@mel0206 I have the same problem with my girlfriend

@mel0206 - Yes - completely agree! ERP was the only thing that helped me to reduce my symptoms and allowed me to have a now healthy relationship!

@mel0206 Currently, this is what has been plaguing me. If I am not worrying about my partner's feelings towards me, then I am worried about mine for her.

Thank you so much for your vulnerability in sharing your story, ILikeMyself. I am so sorry that this has been your experience and to hear how OCD has caused so much hurt for you in this relationship. My heart aches over what you have gone through, as I can so much relate. It is so hard to get to that point of realizing that yes, we have been toxic and yes, it was due to OCD, but that doesn't mean that the other person has to forgive or has to show back up for us. It's heartbreaking, but also out of our control. You are doing everything that is in your control, which is getting therapy and working on yourself and that's huge! I hope you are proud of yourself - I know I'm proud of you and grateful to have met you through this platform! We are in this together and thank you for openly sharing what you have learned!

I relate to this significantly

@heatherjay - Thank you for sharing, Heatherjay! You are not alone!

@ILikeMyself I’m sorry. This is soooo hard. I couldn’t help but think that I could have written this when reading the first few lines.

I'm so filled with regret over how I acted. He believed I didn't love him anymore when I told him I couldn't feel any positive emotions and I couldn't remember the good times we had. I also spiraled into the past and rediscovered guilt I had for my ex partner. That was too much for him. He tested me and said you love your ex more than me. I hesitated when he said that. I don't know why. I was upset that I thought he believed that. But he took it as confirmation of his fears and no matter how I explain that I was obsessing over the past it doesn't matter because it felt the same to him. I really hoped my partner could be a safe place to discuss these intrusive thoughts. He said I could talk to him about anything but then went back on his word. I couldn't stop having anxiety attacks and pockets of anger at him for the smallest things. I was even overly sensitive to the volume of his voice. It sounded so loud to me and I couldn't take it. I wanted couples therapy but he wouldn't go. He wanted me to wait 9 months until end of his grad studies. But me terrified I was with the wrong person I pushed and pushed him to talk to me again and agree to go to therapy with me. And that was it. He decided I wasn't worth it. We had a week break before the break up and he said after he felt calmer with me and he needed calm to do well at school. But he said he wanted to stay in my life always and I didn't want to abandon him so I stayed in touch. Getting more resentful still over the lack of compromise, not being sure if we'd get back together and work things out and not even sure if I wanted to because I felt so angry and could only see his faults. In December he said he wanted to start the process of getting back together soon by going on dates. I waited for him to ask me. And instead he asked out his female friend he told me not to worry about during our relationship. He got rejected but then still said to me he wants to date other people and have another relationship because I'm his first and he's worried if we started dating he'll marry me and make a mistake and cheat on me. So that's where we're at. He's no longer in love with me and I'm sitting here still struggling with obsessive thoughts of him. I can't tell what's real or not. Sometimes I'm super sympathetic about him and understand why he left and other times I feel betrayed by the worst person ever. It is entirely dependent on whether I believe I loved him or not. At this point I'm hoping I didn't love him otherwise I lost someone really special.

@ILikeMyself I’m so sorry I can relate

I completely understand you! I m in the same situation. After 7 Years with my partner we went to live together and the obsessions (Is he the right person? Does he love me? Does he want only me?)became unstustainable. I became really jelous and aggressive and i destroyed everything. I moved to another house now cause I reckonize the problem. Now After 2 months he told me the same of your ex partner. He doesnt trust me anymore. I think i sabotaged the relationship and i m really sad cause now I understand I much I love him. What are you doing in this situation? I m trying to do normale things (go to work and meet some firends) but I m hoping every day that the situation would change and we can Happy together. I keep having this thought

@Alberto5 I'm so sorry you're going through it too. It's awful. It seems like you know what you want however which is great because whether or not you get back together at least you're not stuck mentally. I feel stuck. I really don't know if I even want him back after the horrible things he's said to me, his inconsistency in wanting to get back together, and the way he treats me when he's stressed. He yells and it scares me. but at the same time I'm scared I won't find someone else at my age that I'm comfortable with. I'm 28 and I'm afraid I either won't get to have kids or I'll have to be a single mom by choice. Since the break up I'm trying to improve the other areas of my life. I didn't have any friends aside from him so I've started reaching out to people again. I'm strength training, eating right, slowly updating my wardrobe, focusing on work, condo shopping, skydiving, signing up for cooking classes, experimenting with makeup, freezing my eggs, etc etc and I'm venting to people online. I'm also on prozac to control the obsessive thoughts and I do therapy twice a week (for complex PTSD not OCD) and I read self help books. I know that seems like I'm doing okay but I'm really not. I haven't cried much since getting on medication but I still feel very lost. I did not expect my life to take this trajectory

Exhausting is exactly right! I'm so glad you reached out and shared, calicocookie - you have definitely come to the right place for support and encouragement. May I ask, are you currently seeking out treatment to help with your recent realization of ROCD?

Thank you so much for your openness in sharing, Jerseygina! I'm sorry you are going through this in your current relationship. I wouldn't wish ROCD on anyone, as I know hos stressful and overwhelming it feels. It sounds like you are working on ERP by sitting with the uncertainty which is great. I know it's super hard right now, but it really is the best way to see lasting results!

@Mindilini Too relatable

@Resilient This is true for me in other places in life, too. I'm afraid any mistake I make will have dire consequences. ☹️

@Mindilini Me too! A lot of my ocd themes involve this worry too! You’re definitely not alone on this one. Even as im typing this out im like what if i say the wrong thing. But whats helpful for me to learn is that no one in life is perfect or can be perfect, so im not going to try and hold myself to that standard. I’m still learning and practicing this though 🙂

@Resilient I love that. Thank you. Perfectionism OCD I think, right? That's a new one my NOCD therapist talked to me about that I honestly had no idea existed... Thank you for sharing ♥️

This sounds like it has been extremely tough, Mindilini! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing. I strongly dislike how OCD can take the smallest things, cause us to worry and obsess until they potentially become real problems or seem too giant to surmount. You are definitely not in this alone and I am also happy to see below that you mentioned working with an OCD specialist! You are in such great hands for recovery!

@Mindilini Oh wow i didnt know there was a name! I just noticed a common thread throughout some of my themes i experience. I’m going to look into this, thank you!

@Mindilini Deeply relate and it only intensifies my already existing ROCD

@Mindilini Yo it’s crazy how spot on this is.

@Gettingbetterwithtime Interesting

Interesting prospective! I know OCD definitely can cause me to doubt and not trust myself!

@JordanSM I understand how it feels

I definitely understand! It's especially tough when we know that this isn't what we want or the way we want to act, yet OCD makes us feel trapped into completing the compulsions or self-sabotaging for "self-preservation" Thank you for being so open in sharing!

@elise1329 I’m going through the same thing. It sucks. Is it ERP therapy?

I relate to this so much

Thank you so much for your openness in sharing, Elise! Personally, I believe those are OCD's trickiest thoughts. "What if this IS real this time?" "What if this IS a sign?" It's so hard! The best thing you can do is keep leaning into your therapist for their wisdom and assistance. May I ask, is your clinician providing ERP therapy? If so, I would definitely encourage bringing these thoughts up to discuss ways to implement ERP to them!

@Blevine87 I relate to this!

@Blevine87 Sounds like harm ocd a bit too :) like you are scared you might hurt them so tell them everything

That's a great question, Blevine87! It sounds like it could be OCD, but unfortunately, as I am not a licensed clinician, I would be unable to say for sure. Are you currently working with an OCD specialist? This would be a great question to ask in session! If you need any assistance in connecting with an OCD specialist, please let me know, as I am happy to be of help!

Thank you so much for sharing, ragtimehippy! I truly understand! In a way, it's like we don't even give others a chance, because we are so convinced that they will hurt us to we sabotage to "protect ourselves," when maybe, it would have turned out alright after all!

Thank you so much for sharing! Yes - I look back and am embarrassed by my tantrums. Thankfully - we can look forward and see how far we have come and take those steps to prevent!

Thank you for sharing how self sabotage has been showing up for you, pau_1124. My heart goes out to you as I know how frustrating and exhausting the OCD can feel, especially when it seems like we just can't let it go or stop ruminating, even when we want to. I'm glad to hear that you are working hard in your recovery and starting to see these triggers become more manageable. Please know we are all here for you and rooting for your success!

@Anonymous So I think what I am trying to say is, I am sabotaging the relationship even though I don’t want to so really hoping some therapy, especially ERP will help!

@Anonymous I can relate entirely. I met a wonderful man almost 3 years ago, after having had nothing but toxic romantic experiences, and a problematic relationship with my parents growing up. This relationship started out amazing, so different than anything I've experienced before, and I thought I was going to finally experience a healthy relationship. But after a short time, a few months, my brain started freaking out about things that I rationally could handle, and I saw a slow, yet steady decline into anxiety, defense mechanisms, negative reactive behaviors, etc. I want to be that person I was at the beginning, but now, I'm far from it, and I think I've sabotaged this relationship. Even then, it's hard to tell if the thought that I've ruined the relationship is OCD or not. I do know that I don't like how OCD has made me behave, deal with difficult emotions, react to my partner, etc. So, we'll see what happens. I'm really hoping I can do damage control, but we'll see.

Yes, this absolutely makes sense and I appreciate your openness in sharing! I'm so happy you will be starting work on ERP this week to help combat these symptoms. You are so deserving of enjoying this relationship without the OCD robbing you of its joy.

Jamie, I definitely understand how confusing and difficult this all is! You are so right, trying to find the difference between what is self-sabotage and what is just being honest is so hard. Especially when OCD doesn't let us do anything without doubts! And I can only imagine how the Just Right OCD makes this all even more difficult. I'm so thankful for your openness in sharing and being part of this community. You are definitely not alone in this experience and we are here for you!

@Jamie L i totally relate to you here. i never know if i’m being ‘too much’ by expressing every hurt feeling i experience to my boyfriend. i want to be honest with him, otherwise it’ll bubble into resentment, but i also don’t want to be over sensitive and blame him for stuff that’s actually MY burden not his! the line is so hazy. do i want too much attention, or is he genuinely just not giving me enough? do i let things slide or not?! anyways just know you’re not alone.

It's such a difficult trap to avoid with ROCD!

Thank you so much for sharing, ROCDbattle! It sounds like you are working hard to recognize the OCD patterns, implement ERP, and sit with those intrusive thoughts. I commend you! I know how truly difficult this feels, but it is the absolute best way to see long-term results. We are all cheering for you and your success!

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing, Qbert! I am very sorry to hear about your upbringing and how this affects your life to this day. It sounds like you have found a wonderful person in your spouse, who has been there to support you through the years. You deserve it! I know it can be easy to think, "why does she stay?" but I don't want you to short-change yourself. You are obviously a strong, resilient person for the all things that you have gone through and the ways you are pushing through and choosing recovery. You are worthy and deserving of her love and I'm so happy to hear that you have 30 years of togetherness - it gives people like me even more hope that marriages with ROCD can last!

I am sorry to hear this, Britlael! I've definitely been there myself and I'm grateful that you reached out and shared.

That is a great question, Rous! As I am not a licensed clinician, unfortunately, I cannot speak to what is and isn't OCD. I do know that this is a question I have struggled with myself! Are you currently working with an ERP specialist? This would be a great question to bring to them!

@ Rebecca- I was going to edit a week’s worth of posts. Please know I respect you and deleted a bunch of stuff. I’m going to stick with my therapist. I keep thinking this won’t work but that’s ocd as well. Book a video appointment. All I can afford this month is one session. You are a kind soul. I gotta walk, yoga 🧘‍♀️ something before my temper flies off the wall. I can’t promise I won’t vent in the future, please know I’m not trying to harm. Thanks for the video on your profile.

@Shelly from margarine container - Thank you for your openness and know that the Member Advocates are here for you! I'm glad you are going to stick with your clinician for your session this month and see how things go. OCD definitely loves to spark doubt, especially in recovery, and I'm so proud of you for recognizing this. You can do this, I have no doubt!!

@ Thanks @rebecca I post a lot and delete without realizing what I post might help someone. Don’t really keep my word sometimes. Very lone wolf, I’ll do it myself and have trouble connecting to new people. Thanks for all the help and believing in me.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you Iamnotmyocd! Thank you for sharing your story and for your vulnerability. That relationship guilt, boy have I felt that on many occasions! It is so hard to feel worthy when we know that our mental health makes things more difficult. But more difficult doesn't mean that we are unworthy or not worth it. Every person on this planet has flaws. I understand your fears and am so glad you are part of this community for support. Each one of us is so worthy of love, from others and from ourselves. Don't let OCD or self-doubt convince you otherwise!

@ Thanks a lot Rebecca, this post really resonated with me and I know for a fact that the fight isn’t over until i say it is. I appreciate this community and people like you who make it so easy to be vulnerable.

Thank you so much for sharing, Clarinetband8! Isn't it so great to have a community here where others really understand what we experience with ROCD? I'm thrilled to hear that you are getting better at not putting distance on your relationship. Such a tough thing to stop, but so important for success!

It's so hard not to, especially in the name of self-protection! But we are the ones that still get hurt in the end!

@ Amen

@ Amen

I have definitely seen this happen in my friendships as well. Where there are relationships - OCD has the opportunity to slither in, unfortunately!

Hi 7710! It sounds like you are going through a really hard time right now and you are so far from alone. Unfortunately, I cannot answer your questions as I'm concerned it will worsen your OCD symptoms in the long run. May I ask, are you currently working with an OCD specialist? I have been in your shoes with these distressing thoughts and completing ERP was the best thing I have ever done for myself and my recovery. I would love to assist you in connecting with a clinician, if you are interested!

@ I am not seeing a therapist sadly but I have been on medication for 3 weeks. I’m on Zoloft 50mgs. It just sucks.. bc when I am not thinking about things it’s like I know my answer… 😞 so that’s why I am having a difficult time

@7710 ❤️ - I'm sorry to hear this! I hope the medication starts being of help in reducing your symptoms - I know how tough this journey is! Would you be interested in learning more about NOCD therapy? We do accept most major insurance carriers and offer support through therapist and Member Advocate messaging all throughout treatment!

Thank you for your openness in sharing, Riarose22! I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you to navigate ROCD across country lines - it was hard enough for me being in two different cities! Have you tried ERP to help with your symptoms?

I agree. It's hard because I do the same thing where I don't want to be hurt or left so I am not vulnerable with him, and instead I push him away. It sucks. ☹️

Hi there! Great question! ROCD can encompass any relationship, whether romantic, family, friends, pets, or coworkers!

Thank you for your vulnerability in posting, DRFinn90! I am so sorry to hear about your relationship and how difficult this loss has been for you. My ROCD definitely played a huge factor in the ending of a 3 year relationship. I was devastated and the ROCD just geared up even more, not able to let go/move on. It took me years, as unfortunately, I didn't know at the time that this was OCD and therefore didn't get the right kind of care. Please know you are so far from alone during this time!

Hi Jeremy! I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling with ROCD for a while and I would be happy to answer your questions! Unfortunately, I do not have a direct messaging feature here in the app. If you are a current NOCD therapy member, you can reach out to your Member Advocates in the app for assistance or you can ask your questions right here!

@Cherryfizz - Thank you for sharing, Cherryfizz! This sounds like it has been difficult on your relationships. Have you considered looking into ERP therapy to be of help?

@Cherryfizz - I'm sorry to hear that you therapist doesn't communicate very much. May I ask, is your clinician through NOCD? I would definitely encourage reaching out to your clinician and sharing your concerns. ERP takes time to learn and consistency to really start seeing improvements!

@ okay it’s sad my memory is so short

@Cherryfizz - We would absolutely love to assist you in connecting with a new clinician! Please either reach out to your Member Advocates in the app chat feature or email Care@nocdhelp.com.

That sounds really tough! I'm sorry you are experiencing these intrusive thoughts. Thank you for being open in sharing your struggles here. We are all here for each other and want to encourage one another towards recovery/success!

So tough, Mike! I also really struggle with the reassurance factor. Have you been trying ERP to help with your relationship? I know you mentioned being diagnosed with OCD, but for a different theme. ERP has really helped in my own recovery journey, both with self-sabotage and with reassurance!

I'm so sorry, Cam! You are not alone!