- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
What exactly has he been lying about? Has he cheated? If he has lied or omissed things from his past this may be because he knows you will react badly. I suffer from extremly bad ROCD and often question my partner about their past, when this is none of my business and is only assurance seeking for me. I had massive trust issues but managed to over come them when my partner started being truthful and I stoped asking questions about things that happened before me. Hope this helps.
- Date posted
- 6y
It sounds like for things to work out for you as a couple, he may need to see a therapist to work on his own issues. I'm not sure if this is something he'd be up to trying or if he's doing it already. Just remember that you cannot control the way he behaves or whether he actually takes steps to change his patterns of lying. You can encourage and support him, but it's ultimately his choice. All you can control is your participation in the relationship. And one way you might partcipate in the relationship is by letting him know that this is something he needs to work on for the relationship to be healthy and trusting. Although we can't control how others behave, we must speak up when certain patterns and behaviors are harming the relationship.
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you for the responses. It's hard for me to think rationally with this. I'm going to try to remember what you both said. ?
- Date posted
- 6y
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! This type of relationship is hard for anyone, but especially for someone with OCD. And I actually really relate (sounds like a lot of similar issues to my first relationship, actually.) At the heart of all of this, I think the biggest problem is that I don’t see any reason to trust this guy. Not now. Not ever. I don’t trust that he will stop lying. I don’t trust that there aren’t more lies you still haven’t uncovered. I think he will continue to keep telling you whatever he has to in order to stop you from leaving, but he’ll ultimately keep doing whatever he wants once you say you’ll stay. You can love someone and want it to work out and still decide to go because you know the relationship will never have a solid foundation. I agree that he should get help to work on his issues. And I totally get why you sympathize so much with his previous abuse and mental health issues. But you’re right: they don’t excuse his behavior. You have a mental illness too: do you do the same things to him? My guess is no. First relationships are the hardest to let go of for a lot of people. I hope you can give yourself the love and care you deserve to make the hard decision and move on because you deserve so much more than this. Don’t forget in all of this that the most important thing is to love yourself and do what’s best for your heart. Good luck ?
- Date posted
- 6y
And in case you were wondering: I did end up braking up with my first boyfriend once I accepted that the trust was gone and irredeemable. The breakup SUCKED and it broke my heart. But now: I recognize it as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I cannot imagine still being with him. The love I had for him was amazing to experience, and I’m thankful for what I learned, but I’m so glad I let it go and moved on. There’s a lot more life out there to live.
- Date posted
- 6y
I don't know if ever physically cheated but I found flirtatious messages. He lies about porn, that he was a virgin when me met, and even small things like what he had for dinner or facts about his childhood
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭
- Date posted
- 20w
I'm 20F, recently my 20M partner broke up with me. It was not a quick and done break up, it was more of a "we're not working" and a "we can fix this" and just non stop switching. From both of us. I don't think he is trying to hurt me, or even trying to lose me. He's an avoidant, runs from any sign of conflict or serious discussions. So ultimately, he stopped showing any sort of emotion, and completely started acting like nothing bothered him. We still text, in all honesty this is not anything to do with me or even our relationship, he's just in a very poor mental state. He doesn't have a ton of people he trusts, because of the fact he pushes people away. I'm trying to gain his trust, so that we can get to the point of a true discussion and let him feel like it's okay to break down those avoidant walls. I'm kind of going through hell though. But I know it's not an issue with me, I know it's about him. And I'm okay sticking around and comforting him even while I'm hurt. He cheated on me earlier in the relationship. Over social media, texting past girls he knew, hooked up with, or even strangers, and watching porn. I obviously was extremely hurt, but his apology was very sincere and ever since that happened, he actually abided by all my boundaries I set up. No social media, no bars, nothing until I trust him. He did listen and he did put in the effort. I've forgiven him for what he did. He told me in the beginning he has trouble committing. I'm his longest relationship, which was only about 5 months. I want to be able to get it to him that I will walk away if he does not commit to changing. If anyone is an avoidant, or has successfully healed with an avoidant please reach out. As much as you'd like to say "You're worth more, leave him.", he is a good person. He needs help and I care for him. Leaving is not an easy option for me to make
- Date posted
- 19w
I don’t know where to begin, this is going to be very long. But whoever responds I appreciate you dearly. I’m 20 years old, I’ve dealt with a lot in my childhood with abandonment and insecurity issues from my family. Aswell of not having a role model of a healthy relationship shown to me as a child. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, my first healthy relationship. Last year I discovered OCD (I am diagnosed but I ignored my mental health as a teenager like anybody would) I started to get these feelings that I don’t love my partner/he’s not attractive enough/ etc etc. I’ve discovered that it’s ROCD. I made threads on Reddit asking for advice googling for reassurance, all the things as one would do with ocd (as I’m doing now!) One day I woke up and that theme was gone, I felt normal in my relationship for about 4 months with no terrible thoughts. As of about 2-3 months ago, my theme switched. Now I have a fear he doesn’t love me, he’s cheating, he doesn’t want to marry me. It has utterly consumed me (just like my last theme!) I check his phone an unhealthy amount (guess what I never find anything!) He always lets me go through his phone, but as anyone would he gets annoyed and frustrated. I always am searching for signs if he’s acting weird, will get into arguments 24/7 because my brain keeps telling me he’s cheating, I get fake scenarios in my brain, hell I even bought Snapchat+ to stalk his snap score. But ever single time I find nothing. A lot of things trigger me and I over analyze everything, phone calls who his texting. When I do search his phone I check his EMAIL because of how paranoid I am. When I see things on social media about people cheating I SPIRALLLL But what really triggered me was this scenario, his family loves to joke around with me and mess with him at the same time, especially with our relationship, saying I have a leash on him etc etc making jokes (which I can take but when I’m in an ocd spiral and they have no idea something’s are triggering) anyways, we were out to lunch and his mother texts him “are u at some girls house” he told me straight away then responded “why would u say that” then she proceeded to say she’s messing around with him. And sent a picture of me and said I’m with Hailey at lunch, then they had a normal conversation after. Obviously this sent me into a spiral, it still bothers me. I was so upset and anxious, when we got back to his house I went through that man’s phone like it was my only job in the world. And I search EVERYTHING not one thing goes untouched. (I sound insane) anyways we went back to his place, then he called his mom to come in his room and asked why she said that, she felt guilty and said she was messing around she had her hands in her head (mind you she’s been drinking probably just messing around with him when she texted that) she told me not to worry ever about that kind of stuff because her son is not that type of man, she proceeded to leave the room then texted me about how sorry she was and didn’t mean to freak me out and felt like shit about it. Ever since then she’s been acting kind of weird towards me (not really) maybe she’s uncomfortable or there’s another women idk LOL. Anyways yea what the hell do I do I literally can’t function properly.
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