I don't know what to do. I am in my my first and only real relationship. We have been together for 1 year and 6 months. Before we started dating I told him that trust was a big thing for me because of my OCD and I just doubt and over analyze everything. Turns out, he has been lying to me about everything including his sexual history ( a lot of my ocd has to do with sex and the germs/"bad" that's associated with it). So story short I trusted him, I felt comfortable with him, and we had plans to get engaged. I have given him so many second chances. I keep telling him that I just want the truth. I may be upset when I hear it but it's better to find out from him than from him accidentally slipping up or me finding it on his phone. He has cried and looked me straight in the eye and said that there is nothing else he is hiding but there always is! He lies to others and he swears he doesn't mean it maliciously. He has past trauma as well. Abusive parents and was sexually abused by his sister. He also has ADHD and depression. I know that these things don't make what he's doing right but I also know from personal experience that mental illness and abusive parents can really mess with your mind. He also has a porn addiction which I was unaware of. We're trying to work through things but it's hard knowing that everything he says (even if it's heartfelt) could be a lie. I'm sad/anxious all the time. We have been through so much and I really want to make this work. Sorry... Just need to vent...

j-eliz

Date posted: 5y ago

What exactly has he been lying about? Has he cheated? If he has lied or omissed things from his past this may be because he knows you will react badly. I suffer from extremly bad ROCD and often question my partner about their past, when this is none of my business and is only assurance seeking for me. I had massive trust issues but managed to over come them when my partner started being truthful and I stoped asking questions about things that happened before me. Hope this helps.

you.are.enough

Date posted: 5y ago

It sounds like for things to work out for you as a couple, he may need to see a therapist to work on his own issues. I'm not sure if this is something he'd be up to trying or if he's doing it already. Just remember that you cannot control the way he behaves or whether he actually takes steps to change his patterns of lying. You can encourage and support him, but it's ultimately his choice. All you can control is your participation in the relationship. And one way you might partcipate in the relationship is by letting him know that this is something he needs to work on for the relationship to be healthy and trusting. Although we can't control how others behave, we must speak up when certain patterns and behaviors are harming the relationship.

maknotmac

Date posted: 5y ago

Thank you for the responses. It's hard for me to think rationally with this. I'm going to try to remember what you both said. ?

pureolife

Date posted: 5y ago

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! This type of relationship is hard for anyone, but especially for someone with OCD. And I actually really relate (sounds like a lot of similar issues to my first relationship, actually.) At the heart of all of this, I think the biggest problem is that I don’t see any reason to trust this guy. Not now. Not ever. I don’t trust that he will stop lying. I don’t trust that there aren’t more lies you still haven’t uncovered. I think he will continue to keep telling you whatever he has to in order to stop you from leaving, but he’ll ultimately keep doing whatever he wants once you say you’ll stay. You can love someone and want it to work out and still decide to go because you know the relationship will never have a solid foundation. I agree that he should get help to work on his issues. And I totally get why you sympathize so much with his previous abuse and mental health issues. But you’re right: they don’t excuse his behavior. You have a mental illness too: do you do the same things to him? My guess is no. First relationships are the hardest to let go of for a lot of people. I hope you can give yourself the love and care you deserve to make the hard decision and move on because you deserve so much more than this. Don’t forget in all of this that the most important thing is to love yourself and do what’s best for your heart. Good luck ?

pureolife

Date posted: 5y ago

And in case you were wondering: I did end up braking up with my first boyfriend once I accepted that the trust was gone and irredeemable. The breakup SUCKED and it broke my heart. But now: I recognize it as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I cannot imagine still being with him. The love I had for him was amazing to experience, and I’m thankful for what I learned, but I’m so glad I let it go and moved on. There’s a lot more life out there to live.

maknotmac

Date posted: 5y ago

I don't know if ever physically cheated but I found flirtatious messages. He lies about porn, that he was a virgin when me met, and even small things like what he had for dinner or facts about his childhood

Kas_C

Date posted: 21w ago

Relationship OCD

I’ve just recently found out that Relationship OCD is a thing. I feel like I relate but it also feels like relationship trauma. I’m in a fairly new relationship and I keep telling myself that things are going great, we are good, he cares for me, but does he? There’s this unbelievable amount of self doubt that sits in me because of what my ex did to me many months ago. I kept getting told that I do too much, i smother, need constant reassurance, then got told that I don’t care enough, the things I do aren’t enough and that I’m not enough. I feel like I am waiting for the day that I get broken up with because of these “problems” just so I can be proven right at the fact that I should be considered unlovable. I go through this every month around my period because I get so emotional and nervous that I stress over the idea that he doesn’t like me. How does someone continue a relationship with Relationship OCD? How do I explain it?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w ago

Pls I need advice

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

Songtothesiren

Date posted: 13w ago

Rocd

Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?

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