I can’t believe how much my OCD affects my life .. it’s just crazy how everyday is such an intense battle , every single thing I do is always repeated 95% of the time . I always think that I’m just going out of my mind because I can’t remember most of my childhood / all of it. I can only remember bits of my teenage years . Most of it is just trauma and it seems hard to shake off and just forget .. The feeling of not being alive , like why do I feel like this ??! Why do I keep questioning if the things I can remember actually have happened or if I’m just making it all up ? Of course I’m not , but there’s always something niggling at the back of my mind telling me that , hm maybe I am ? I just wish there was an answer to all of my questions and my head wasn’t just always saying “ maybe you’ve got a brain problem .. maybe your dying and you just don’t know “. It’s so weird speaking about it , because all of the time I’m looking for constant reassurance of my partner , family .. my little friends .. Ocd has took so much of my life from me , every days harder and harder . I can barely eat different foods , I can’t eat or drink anything I’ve not already had before . I have “safe” and “unsafe” foods .. I can’t drink milk unless it’s been bought and used straight away , otherwise it’ll be binned . I can’t eat bread unless it’s just been bought fresh and then I have to bin it the moment I’ve used it because I’m terrified I’m going to get poisoned as I’m allergic to penicillin and always in fear that it’s gone off when I’ve just bought it . I waste so many drinks because I’m scared that people have “ poisoned “ it. If I leave a pack of sweets at the side of my chair I think somebody’s tampered with it . I can’t take medication because the same reason . I HATE hospitals , gps , doctors .. I hate having to count things over and over again , I hate my rituals and my behaviours . I hate my bath routine because it’s either so time consuming or so intense . I just hate it all so much and I’m so angry with myself that I’ve let it get this terrible .. and then my ocd is like hm well maybe you are dying and maybe u are really sick and I’m like sat there praying it’ll all just go away .. maybe I’m just being pathetic .. but I just want to live and feel like I’m living rather than feel like I’m not here and I’m in a bubble with nobody else really around me .. I’m so scared that one day I’ll “ wake up “ out of the unrealistic feeling and everything will be different and it’s so scary