Just need some support today

I’ve been doing pretty well I thought until last night. My husband and I were watching a movie he has already seen before and we got to one part and he let out this huge “ughhhh.” The couple in the movie were arguing about how the woman didn’t want children, he did, and then she changed her mind and said yes. Anyway, this has been a huge issue for us because like the movie, I don’t and he does. My sister is in the same boat. Her boyfriend has been ragging on her cause he wants her to get a better job. He said he can deal with her not wanting kids, but he can’t do both. My mom even mentioned me and my husbands fights and told her she needs to get him go if she loves him, since he wants children. I don’t really see any way out. I feel like it will always be an elephant. He told me he thought God was going to change my mind and he “accepts he will NEVER have children.” I just feel like I’m not enough and I’ll always be a barrier. He told me he was fine with it when we got married, so I thought we’d be fine. We’ve only been married a year and it has been a cause for multiple, huge arguments (threats of separation and divorce etc.) we’ve done therapy but no changes. My therapist resigned and I can’t see anything till February. Trying to just use the tools I’ve learned to get through this.

felfner

Date posted: 2y

It's perfectly normal and OK for you to not want kids. I mean my wife and I recently had our second and she knows I don't want more than 2 but she didn't let them tie her tubes even though her ages makes it dangerous to have anymore. He should not use religion to try and guilt trip you. Now, I'm no therapist, but if you don't see yourself changing your mind, ya, divorce might be the best option. If it's more that you don't want to put your body through having kids but wouldn't mind having a kid, you could try either adoption or a surrogate female. Having kids isn't for everyone so he shouldn't try and force you to have them if you don't want too.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@felfner Thank you. He isn’t forcing me, and we don’t talk about it too much anymore because we’ve had the hugest fights and I have been extremely insulted (something being seriously wrong with me, God says be fruitful and multiply, women are supposed to have kids, and so on). I am not open to a surrogate. I used to be open to adoption or fostering, but he doesn’t want that. I changed my mind about that anyway, as I care for people with special needs and that is fulfilling to me. My therapist recently said,”the things your husband says sound a lot like your OCD, doesn’t it?” And I absolutely agree. I feel less than and that he will resent me. I asked SO many times before getting married if this was an issue, he said he accepted it. He still says he accepts it, but throws in a dig at the end. This is my current OCD theme so it makes it even more difficult.

felfner

Date posted: 2y

You need more than love for a relationship to work. And this is my opinion, but it seems more like the issues lies with him, not you. I'm not religious, but religion and faith should not be used as a weapon for anything, and his problem is that he is weaponizing religion. Divorce doesn't mean you guys can't still be friends, one of my soldiers in the past got a divorce because her husband didn't want to be married anymore and they were still friends. But if yall can't compromise, yall probably should split. Even if you change your mind, depending on why would be bad for the child. If you decide for yourself and twittering want a kid, then so be it, but if you current your mind just to lesser him then your relationship with that child will be strained or possibly even non existent, which will damage the child and grow the divide between you and your husband.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@felfner Just want to say thank you for taking the time to talk to me and give me your insight. We talked about all this last night and it didn’t go well. Divorce was mentioned but he said that we are not doing that. He said that the kid thing isn’t even a big deal, but right before he said I’m not working correctly and something is wrong with me psychologically for not wanting children, people are supposed to procreate and that’s the whole meaning of life. Obviously this causes me extreme distress because my OCD is questioning my decision everyday. It’s hard to be told all of this stuff and go out into the world in my daily routine and not think that other women are better than me if they have/want children. We usually make up and then act like it never happened, but I’m the one usually still recovering inside from it all.

felfner

Date posted: 2y

If he takes pot shots at you for not wanting kids, then he's not as OK with it as he says it is. Also, again, using religion to try and get you to change your mind is also the wrong answer. There needs to be compromise, if you are still fine with adoption, then he needs to see that that's how he will get a kid. I have a friend who doesn't want kids, she likes them but doesn't want one of her own and so far as I know her and her husband have no issues, so nothings wrong with you for not wanting to bear any children. But if this is gonna be a constant issue, your marriage may still work but it'll be hard and he may, yes may, grow to resent you for not giving children. He may not. But it sounds like he's definitely not as OK with your choice as he says.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@felfner He is definitely not. He said he wouldn’t have married me if I got my tubes tied and has mentioned a few times he was hoping I’d change my mind or God would work on me. He also has shared people pray that I change my mind too. Sadly I’ve fantasized about separation to be rid of this issue, but we also love each other very much and are best friends(when we do not talk about this elephant in the room).

Jesus Is Kin...

Date posted: 24w

Sad

I'm Christian and I struggle with being close to god a lot but lately I just feel like I will never near a full relationship with god because of this not only that my heart physically hurts because I think about how I want god to allow me to get married and have kids but I don't think that's his will for me I feel like it will never happen and my heart hurts thinking about it and even if god does allow that blessing to come my way l'm afraid I'm going to end up hurting my husband or committing adultery and I'm afraid how he would react to my past and old relationship and ocd I don't think it will ever go away not because I don't think god is powerful enough I know he is I just think he wants that to be my story for the glory of his name and because it keeps me close to him idk I just my heart hurts thinking about not being married and not having kids but l'm trying to accept that in case that isn't his will for me it just really hurts my heart physically im thinking of starting therapy but im scared it wont do anything or God will get upset with me that I couldn’t do it with just him i got put back on pills and im gonna end up going back to therapy i get afraid of death and other things now idk I just don’t wanna upset god

stranger

Date posted: 24w

It’s all going downhill

I’ve been struggling in life in general pretty much this whole year so far. But this week I started thinking about my POCD more and I always try to push through it and go about my day and not let my fears take over. Today my sister randomly told me she’s pregnant. She’s 25 and her boyfriend is 20 and they’ve only been together for a few months. I’m incredibly disappointed and angry with her because it comes off as being so selfish. She can’t take care of herself (neither can he) but they still decide to have a baby. I’m upset. But now I’m also incredibly scared. It’s putting me in a position of having to not only be around but help take care of a baby/kid. I’ve always thought about how one day I’m gonna have to deal with it, but I figured it was later in the future to when I feel more confident in handling my ocd. I also felt that if I were to have to be around a baby/kid all the time that I could mentally spiral and end up killing myself. I hate to make her pregnancy about me but I truly think that in the near future I could possibly get so bad that I come to that point of killing myself. I don’t know if I can handle this right now. I’m scared of how bad I could get. I barely survived the last time and I never had to constantly be around kids. But the times that I had to were the most dreadful times in my life. Of course I’ve gotten better but I still don’t want to be in these scary situations so often. And with her having a kid then I’ll have to be. I don’t think I’m strong enough to constantly push away my fears.

things_willg...

Date posted: 23w

past struggles

this is me being very vulnerable today. i’m struggling with thoughts of my abortion i had 2 years ago. i was 11 weeks pregnant. it was a very difficult decision and a very hard time mentally for me , as the guy i was with was very controlling. i was on and off with him all through high school and we dated on and off as well then we moved in together , i got pregnant almost immediately after we moved in together. it’s something i never seem to have healed from nor have i spoke to a professional about my grief due to it either. i had the abortion with a previous boyfriend and now that im in a new relationship its hard to talk about it so i don’t bring it up because i don’t want him to think i still want my ex. i’m having lots of negative thoughts and emotions today and feel like id be better off gone. i keep telling myself it’s better to regret not having kids then to regret having them. my minds just all over the place , i’m all flustered, i feel sick and sweaty and just not myself at all today. just need someone to talk to…

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