Am i losing the battle?

It feels like the ocd has gotten to a point where it's just there in the background at all times. Even if im not having some POCD related thought it's like it's just taken away a part of me I feel i can't get back. I still go through the motions and try to joke around and be silly like i would normally. But its just hard to always feel this anxiety and uncertainty in the background. Sure, i can handle it. But what is that worth when you're just handling a slow persistent torture. Everywhere i go it's like i can't connect, seeing others happy and seemingly carefree makes me feel like an alien. Every morning for 8 months the OCD pops in within the first minute of the day. Doesn't have to even be a thought around POCD, though it usually is. Its just the general thought that i have this thing that i can't seem to get rid of and its making me a lesser version of myself. And on top of it all, i can't truly know if its OCD. Since its more "Pure-O" it feels hard to relate to others and their experiences with OCD. Just such a damn mess. This has happened before with other themes but this POCD thing feels like a demon on steroids.

I could use some advice or encouragement. I made it 33 days without a genuinely bad ocd day. Every day was hard and almost a constant battle, but I was winning those battles and refraining from going into my ocd stories for the most part. Then yesterday, after a great morning, I got triggered and decided I needed to engage an ocd story I have about the possibility that I harmed someone through negligence two years ago. I had dealt with this fear before and decided it was ocd, but it tricked me into considering it yesterday, and I spent about seven hours off and on going over the same details, trying to reassure myself I was okay. When my wife came home and I told her how bad I had done she just gave me a blank expression. I think after sixteen years of dealing with my ocd, she’s out of sympathy. But she was disappointed, I could tell. So was I. I feel so ashamed of having given in to rumination. But I still feel anxious that I need to “figure it out.” I’m just so tired of this disorder. I want to be well. I want to be my old funny self. I want to talk to people and laugh. I’m scared I’ll never get better and that I’ve ruined my kids’ lives by neglecting them to obsess. I feel so tired, alone, depressed, and hopeless.

It feels like I make progress with some obsessions and others gets significantly worse at the same time, so I’m never at peace. I’m spending all this time, money, and energy just for OCD to find another way to keep me on edge.