I need help! Yesterday I had a horrible and disgusting HOCD attack... I have a ritual of testing myself for erections...( One of many rituals) And this ritual was worse... I swore never to do it again to check my self... I placed myself in a horrible horrible situation... Even acted like what I fear to check if I'm really what I fear... I didn't like it at all... I still believe I'm not that... I'm not gay... And I never want to be... Hell, I'll never be gay... But my HOCD is now killing me... I can't take it anymore... I cried bitterly like a wuss... It's been 4 years... I feel like shooting myself in the head to end these thoughts... I've no one to talk to... If I tell my family they'll think I'm mentally sick(which I probably am) even worse they might as well fear, what I fear... I have a niece who looks up to me with pride... And I'm turning out to be a huge disappointment... Please help me. Please. Any help will be appreciated.

I’m here

there’s this mental health hotline NAMI, I called once they are very reassuring. You call a counselor or a therapist of some sort will answer and you just talk

Thanks. I just don't know what else to do. I mean... It's my birthday tomorrow. And I'm suffering from this hell. How worse can it get? It's been 4 years, and not once have I been completely happy and HOCD free... And I'm damn sure it's going to be hell tomorrow as well.

The problem is I'm not an earning person and still a student... And I can't pay for a therapist or a psychiatrist and I'm not ashamed of saying this... Since my hocd has taken over financial issues and stuff...

NAMI is just for Americans right?

The only way you can get relief is to expose yourself to whatever triggers you and not perform a compulsion to relieve the anxiety. You just have to sit in the uncertainty. The more you ruminate, the stronger the thought becomes and the more it pops into your conscious mind. If you prove to the thought that it has no power over you by triggering yourself and sitting in the anxiety, the power of the thought weakens. Checking to see if you are what you fear just places more importance and validation that the thought is worthy of your time and it’s not no matter how it’s convincing you that it is. I would suggest to find a therapist as your top priority because your mental health is just as important as any other thing.

Also, just know that you are not the only one struggling and wanting to die because the thoughts are so frustrating. I wanted to die too. Legitimately. But then I got better and I’m in a MUCH better place. If I could do it, you can do it.

Isn't there anyone to help?

whatever you do DO NOT HURT YOURSELF

Please can someone reply? I'm in desperate need for help...

It's the same for me. Don't know what to do anymore. Just like you I'm a student and can't afford a therapist. My hocd is very bad right now. The only thing I want is to marry a women and nothing else. Hocd thoughts are disgusting. Maybe you can watch some videos of Ali Greymond, they helped me earlier but now it seems nothing can help me. This illness is fucked up

Go to the doctor and ask for c b t therapy it’s free and they help u deal with ocd thoughts