Is my OCD making me doubt my will to live or is there truth in it?

Hi guys, I've been suffering with POCD for quite a while now. Because I reached a point where I was ready to commit suicide due to the continuous stress, shame, guilt and (self)disgust caused by my OCD, I have recently decided to start therapy. I'm happy with this decision as I want to learn how to cope with my thoughts in a healthy, effective way. However, there is one thing that slows me down. There is always this thought/question running through my mind that makes me doubt more than anything about my values: 'do I actually want to recover from OCD?'. Whenever I ask myself this question and answer with 'yes, of course, there is no doubt in that!' I get a really strong feeling of me lying to myself and/or being in denial about whether I want these thoughts or not. I know it sounds confusing, and I apologise for that, but why do I feel that I don't want to recover from this bad, unhealthy state full with terrible thoughts, urges and sensations?! I would really like to know your opinions. Thank you so much for reading this. And I apologise if it's confusing. Take care x

My question is can Ocd gives you feelings of the horrible inteusive thought that you have are things you want like the harm thought you have, you have a feeling of "i want to do this cause i feel like it, i will enjoy it" Yesterday i got really angry cause i did something bad,then i wanted to focus on something else but a deep feeling of "no i want to feel this pain" came that really made me scared, and i had to let myself feel that everything is bad, im alone, nobody will help, i wanted to shift my attention but the feeling of no this is an authentic feeling just pushed me back,then all of this created a thought and a feeling of i should die, nothing will be better... since then im terrified that im actually suicidal or not, cause when i want to feel better,i get this feeling of i dont want to feel good,.i want to feel bad cause everything is bad, and i feel terribble and hopeless about this. Can this be ocd? Another one,the harm thoughts, whenever i have one i have a feeling to and thoughts that says i would enjoy that. Im really asking this cause i had enough...

is this still ocd? Hi all. Last week my ocd has been ramping up. Started with some horror theme and moved to a sensational theme. But now it latched onto something ive never had before. It has not latched onto any theme actually the only thing right now happening is that there is this thought or feeling, not sure how to describe it, but whenever this feeling or thought arises it nullifies all my confidence, motivation, progression, it just takes out all the energy and positivity and replaces it with this feeling of endless sadness, despair, depression, nothingness, this happens within a split Second whenever i think for example; no matter what ill keep trying! And then boom that feeling or thought takes over and its all gone. It's almost as if it's something that will always he there, a 'thing' inside nullifiying anything positive, helpfull, but even emotions of love. I have to emphasize that wahat comes out with this feeling everytime again is the thought; no one in the worldnhas ever hwd thisbweird experience before, its just me. Yes I know other people have ocd, but my mind tells me no one has ever had this 'inner' part which cannot be described because it roes not feel like a thought, an emotion or whatever, just a 'thing' that is there and always will be there. I mean ive had many ocd themes but this would bot categorize under any of those themes, so how can i know this really is ocd?;ive searched the web and forums trough many...many Posts and none of them revolve around this undescribable thing, or whatever it is? Whenever I try and label this thing for myself just as I'm trying in this post, it steps up its game and gives this feeling of nullifying my effort describing it, it basically does the same it does with other things it gives out this feeling of sadness, desperation, depression etc whenever i try to describe it wo i can ask others to help me. Up until now while writing this it feels like this thing keeps going deeper and deeper just to make sure it cant be identified. Am i making any sense? or am i losing my mind?