Dont be too harsh to yourself. Your struggle with ocd doesnt define your personality. And healing is a process so stay patient.

@Anonymous So this gets into the nature of reality, choice, evil, freewill, why does God allow evil, and Salvation. The general principle behind your (and please correct me if I am wrong), appears to be the root of "Why didn't God force everyting to be perfect since He is God." This dovetails into the nature of "Sovereignty" and what this means both for us and for God. God created us to be sovereign individuals over our lives, meaning we have a choice to do goos or bad, or whether we want to serve Him or not. He does not force us to love Him if we don't want to. That is the nature of "love," itself. Love always presents the option to provide the other person a choice, and to give them power and freedom. God is love (1 John 4:8). Let's consider the laws of physics. For the same reason the laws of physics state that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, this nature of "choice" and consequence is built on to the fabric of the universe. In other words, because God created us to be sovereign individuals with a choice to love Him, to love others, or not, with choice comes consequences. So then, you may ask, "Then why didn't God create a world without the laws of physics, where there are no natural consequences?" Well, how would one make a world like that? Without consequences and the ability to choose life or death or to overcome, reality would have no meaning. Life would have no meaning. We cannot accomplish anything. Such is the very function of, "existence." In such a world where actions would have no consequences, nothing gets done. Nothing means anything. There wouldn't even be such a thing as hope, or "beauty." A baby's precious laughter wouldn't even mean anything anymore. 👶 The greatest accomplishments in life would be rendered meaningless. It would be true Nihilism--the philosophy in which everything is pointless, and if there is "God," then He is to blame for not fixing it "sooner." It is the ultimate victim mindset. This is such reasoning, in short, taken to its logical conclusion. In a world where God created us to be robots who cannot truly chose anything for ourselves and are forced to love Him "perfectly," that is not real. He created us with hearts, and the ability to chose for that matter. Just as we wouldn't want our S/O, spouse, or children to love us because they are "told to," and "made to," like a robot, real relationship comes from a heart of choice. From a heart which understands. This is why we are human beings with a conscience, with wisdom, to question, and to "be." We are human "be"-ings. Not human "do"-ers, robots. This, again, is your sovereignty. We all expect to be seen and treated with love and kindness at the end of the day, including myself. We live as though we need to heal and overcome. This is why we are on this forum: to overcome. We know there is light and hope in this world. In our gut, we know that life has meaning. We can say or doesn't, and that absolute morals "don't exist," but we never live as if that is true. If we did, we'd all be dead or in prison forever. In such a universe where God removes the freedom of choice to automatically force us to be His true slaves and do right all the time, everything would be truly meaningless. It is the possibility to make decisions and to overcome, that makes life actually meaningful. This is love, that comes from the heart. That we can come alongside one a other as the human race to help others along the journey and fight in the trenches of their hearts in this war against the enemy of our souls, who removes hope by using deception. This is the same love I see in you, the very same reason why you are fighting your own battle. That is the hope that us alive, in you.