Brave through

Date posted: 2y

Relationship stuff.. listen to the heart or brain?

So, i want to know if i should listen to my heart or my mind. I have a situation where i am not in control i like this guy we have been seeing each other for 10 months now its hasn’t been official because of my issues and now his. Ocd has played a major role in that. I need to know that when a man asks for time and space and says i will be back to you what should i do? Wait around and listen to my heart that says i wanna give this relationship a try cause i have made mistakes in the past with this or what if he loses interest with this time and space thing where he says he is personally going through something and can’t romantically give himself for a while but we can do a do over but is not sure and has been brutally honest with me about all of it but my heart wants to give it another chance and see this through but the what if’s never stop.. what if it doesn’t work out? What if he leaves and all i feel is a waste in the next few months.. he has told me 2 months is a time where a lot of things can change but should i listen to my heart and hold on to it? My friends are saying something my brain is telling me something heart says something. I need some stranger advice to tell me is it okay to listen to my heart or is my heart playing with me too? Is it wrong to want to give this relationship a chance? And why does the overthinking thoughts of what if nothing works out? What if he leaves me? What if he is done with me after 2 months what guarantee do i have? Should i take this chance? Will he take me for granted if i wait around? Will he respect me as much? Will he respect this relationship as much? So many questions and no answers or should i just listen to my heart and take it one day at a time.?

ROCDmensch

Date posted: 2y

In life we have to take risks. This includes all the what ifs you just listed. You have to trust in yourself that you can deal with everything and that you can accept yourself unconditionally. Maybe look into unconditional self acceptance on the OCD Recovery YouTube channel, I think it helps even if you don't have OCD. People decide things all the time without overthinking. What's the difference to people like us? They don't mind making mistakes. They say, hey that's my future me's problem. If it happens it happens. And that mindset you need to gain. Yes, heartbreak hurts. It can hurt a lot. But when we try things, we learn things, we have good moments and bad moments. Life is not about recreating a perfect image or being the image someone else wants you to be. So I would say, try to rely less on friends advice. If your first instinct is to tell your friend something, ask for advice and reassurance. Don't do it. Decide independently. That's hard with OCD. I always asked friends for advice, got conflicted with myself and in the end was totally confused. If there is a choice, there is always a possibility for a bad outcome, but also a good one. Of course there are certain standards that should be met, that are non negotiable. But you set these standards for you. Not others. Standard are about what you want in life, bot your friends and not your (boy)friend. there is no right or wrong in deciding to give it a chance. It's just a decision where you can't know the outcome yet. So maybe try it out. Tell yourself "I can try it and not 100% know if it's the right thing right now. It will show me with time, I can give myself this time and I will be fine whatever the outcome because I accept myself". What you are going through is hard, but it's just such a small time of your lifetime. try not to spend you lifetime thinking about the what ifs. Try to live in the present by not enganging with ruminating questions. Say " I don't have to figure it out right now. Maybe it will turn out to be a bad decision, maybe not. Right now I am curious about it, but I always have the right to change my mind. I'm not doomed by my decision. I'm free". Hope this helps :)

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch Hey, this is really helpful thankyou so much i shall try this:)

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch Hey, i still have some unending questions like what is he Wants to remain just friends with me? Said that he is not sure that he would come back to me should i take that as a hint?gets bored of me? We have been together in the past what if this relationship has ran its course and i keep waiting for nothing at the end? How am i not supposed to be scared!l? I cant ask him but i am still scared i wanna do my own thing and i do but suddenly when these thoughts pop up i go into a spiral and cant help but think of such stuff seriously? Is this an effect of ocd i have had 3 other themes in the past or this normal thinking? I hope you don’t mind answering..

ROCDmensch

Date posted: 2y

@Brave through I think it's certainly not "normal" thinking but highly anxious and catastrophical thinking. If you didn't have OCD those thoughts would probably pop up in your mind as well. Everyone has thoughts like that every once and then. But you judge them as something that is urgent, that needs to be solved immediately. That's the OCD. You conditioned your brain to react this way and by trying to find answers to these questions you pay the topic even more attention, creating more anxiety around it. It's a never ending circle. Instead you have to say stop, I won't do what OCD wants. I make a decision and for now, I'll stick to it even if I'm wrong in the future or it feels uncomfortable at first. It's fine to change your mind, but if you decide nothing and stay frozen then what kind of life is that? I always tell myself "do I want to live life and take the risk to get hurt? Or do I lock myself in my mental room, hide away and actually not live at all?" Of course, there is a possibility that it all turns out "bad". But you have to live with this uncertainty to overcome your OCD. Accepting uncertainty is key to recovery. Even if it's hard at first. That's real life, things happen. The thing is, you don't worry about one day slipping in a banana peel and die. Even IF it could happen. It's just nothing you fear. OCD latches onto what is dear to you. So your fear is connected to your loved ones naturally. Don't let it ruin your life.

ROCDmensch

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch And please don't think I judge you for having these thoughts. I have rocd as well, so I know these kind of thoughts. But I also know how much we can sabotage ourselves by engaging in those thought patterns.

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch I am genuinely thankful for you if anything i have never felt so weird about a relationship where i am constantly thinking what if he is like what others told me what if i am not seeing that within him and i am delusional what if i am turning a blind eye towards it and i have these thoughts are these my gut feelings or intuitions that i am ignoring or what? what if after a month or so he says i am done with you i asked you to not to keep waiting and i gave you the warning but you decided to stay.. what if he calls me once like he does as his convenience to keep me around and then just toss me after that? What am i waiting for just listening to my heart when my brain’s questioning every possible outcome.. i just want to be at peace at rn with whatever the outcome and if i think of the good things we could have i am scared as to what if they never happen and i am just expecting it to and it never comes true in the future and all that i now think comes true like people told me.. should i believe his words or should i believe these influencers on instagram who are putting these quotes to leave what do i do? I am so sorry to trouble you but i just cant help it ig i dont want to feel like this. I wanna be happy with myself do my own thing and not worry about the future..is it too much to ask?

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch Hi, i hope you see this.. but i need your help.. i feel very torn.. is there any other way i can contact and speak to you.. i am having a really hard time and I thought you ig could help me out a little. Thankyoy

ROCDmensch

Date posted: 2y

Hey, sorry for not responding. I think you are running in a circle right now. It seems that you have a hard time accepting uncertainty. You can either try to work on that more or decide to move on from the situation. You don't have to break up just because it feels urgent and you are anxious. That's just OCD. However, you can still look at what the other person is doing and wether their behaviour meets your standards. This can be tricky with OCD. Standards are not what this person has as a hobby, what their hair looks like etc. It's more concerned with your core beliefs and what your needs are in a relationship. If your need is to have a safe connection then it's also okay to move on from a relationship. If however you break up out of fear then it's avoidance behaviour. I know this may be triggering for you because OCD creates a lot of what ifs around this situation. You need to know that whatever you will do or whatever happens, you will be fine. To overcome the situation you have to accept that you can't controll the outcome. If it helps, I had an on off relationship for 5 months before I was ready to accept uncertainty and have a serious relationship with my now boyfriend..I still struggle with rocd but not as much as I used to. But if I would have continued with the rumination, this wouldn't have been possible. You need to realise that rumination doesn't change anything and also doesn't help. I still really recommend the OCD Recovery channel. You have to live with the possibility that everything turns out to be true. That you were wrong. When you have OCD their are often irrational core beliefs about yourself like "other can be forgiven when they make mistakes, but I can't" "I couldn't live with myself if I was wrong..my life would be miserable"..this is black and white thinking and you need to work on overcoming it by shifting your focus and working on self esteem. Therapy helps a lot. I hope this answers some things

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch I do plan on getting therapy cause its hard and getting worse someone here said i cant label everything ocd and accept anything and everything that comes with my situation which is very true but i just don’t understand that i have decided to give it another chance and not let go how is that so hard? How is ocd making it so so hard for me? This person said move on and i just had tears the worst part i cant even tell this guy all of this and i understand every single bit of what you are saying but i decided this i chose and i feel like I don’t even know what i want its so hard i cant let go but i clearly dont have the patience of to wait around for 2 months as well i just wanna be able to do my own thing thats it.. i am so scared and i honestly dont even know what i want.. everything is making me question everything else Should i know my worth and walk away but i want this to work and i want to stay but the only way it can is for me to do my own thing and not worry a lot of relationships similar to this haven’t worked out but why am i hoping for this to be different. We think of the best but so many things haven’t worked out? So many relationships and also comparing old to new specifically the conversations what to do? I can chose to hope for the best but there are so many ways things can go wrong..its a vicious cycle. I thankyou for trying to help me but i feel so lost and torn

ROCDmensch

Date posted: 2y

@Brave through I understand that you feel torn, but you have to keep in mind that this situation won't continue forever. Things change and this seems to be a process you haven't quite found the courage to end. And this is okay. Some decisions need time. it's kind of hard to respond to your message because there are a lot of different themes going on. But I'm trying my best. First of all I would try to journal, cause this will really help to structure your thoughts on this. It sounds like you are torn because you have deep feelings for this person, but they themselves have stuff to figure out and do not really a secure attachment style themselves. To naturally this causes a lot of back and forth. You say you don't know what you want but that's not really the truth I think. You said it yourself, you do want to give it a chance but you also want to do your own thing. Why can't you do both? What do you mean by "do your own thing"? Does that mean dating..can't you be open for a reconnection later on and still be open for what is to come?

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch A guy on nocd told me this is not ocd and just some hurtful behaviour i am indulging into and i should just move on. On the other hand, My best friend was just being nice nothing and hoping for the good idk what to think anymore… is this actually ocd or am i naming it ocd and just not accepting the hard truth?

Brave through

Date posted: 2y

@ROCDmensch I am so sorry for troubling so much id understand if you don’t reply to this but i just had to write out loud.. What if Doesn’t feel anything for me is over me doesnt feel the same for me now or the next few months? He was okay with me choosing myself and not this relationship he didn’t want me to go but he knew that would be convenient for him so he asked me to leave i cant help but wonder if there was some ulterior motive to getting me to leave so that i become the bad person and he has lost feelings but doesn’t wanna be the bad person here and looks good but is actually over me and just not telling me the truth about it. If I wouldn’t have asked we would have just drifted apart?? Would he have ever told me? Or was he gonna be okay with us just falling apart? Were the last 10 months that big of a joke to him and he felt absolutely nothing in a mere 20 days he went from wanting me to being so distant..and i decided to stay cause i like him and now if i think if he was okay with letting me go then what am i holding on for? What is the guarantee that after a while he will not have the same attitude and be like oh i was good without you its okay if you leave and that just isn’t fair then and he has told me he is not sure about anything in the future i decided to take the chance but i just cant sit with the risks that come with it cause i am scared it will all be doomed in the end.

eafik36

Date posted: 25w

Advice

Hi bear with me I don’t know how long this is going to be (coming back after writing it way longer than I expected I just needed to get this out) but I’ve beenn struggling with this. So basically me and my ex let’s call him Gus just started talking and hanging out again cuddling kissing yk and he broke up with me because he had feelings for another girl but I’m actually really glad we didn’t work out the first time I wasn’t ready for a relationship. my relationship with God wasn’t where I wanted it to be. He is also a Christian so I kept telling myself it would be good which maybe it would’ve been but I still should’ve haven it time but I still rushed into it. We had been friends for like 4 years before tho so it felt natural. I felt good when we broke up it hurt and I missed him. Fast forward 5 months and we hangout again for the first time we cuddle and he kissed me. he’s still confused about what he wants he says he doesn’t want to hurt me again and doesn’t want it to end like last time also doesn’t know if we should keep acting the way we have been as just friends. I was really mad at myself at first I had 5 whole months to get back to where I wanted to be with God but I didn’t and I just kept going back and trying to redo it in my head which is what happened the first time and is why I think I felt stuck for so long. I kept thinking only if it was good the first time and only if I blah blah blah just going in circles you guys know the drill. Now it’s gotten better I’ve forgiven myself because I know God has too and I just have been spiraling. first I convinced my self I should go no contact for two weeks but I realized that was me trying to go back and control the past which is not my call I’ve been feeling a lot better about giving the whole thing to God and not stressing about the past or future just trying to live in the present but every time I think of completely letting that feeling that this isn’t gonna work or that I’m ignoring God go I get stressed again. I’m scared that He is trying to tell me to get out before it goes wrong again but I’m not listening I’m just scared I’m having false peace because I’m getting what I want if it’s ok to figure things out with Gus. On the other hand sometimes God gives us things we want when we finally learn to let it go and I have I’m ok with being alone romantically it’s not a need but I do desire it and I know God puts desires in our heart according to His will. The break up and the whole situation taught me so many things that I need to learn and how to really just let it go and give it to God. I keep trying to picture both scenarios in my head 1 us not together me just growing in God alone and not worrying about Gus and letting him go and 2 us being together and me being happy which him while not feeling like I’m not listening to God and just be at peace. I’m trying to stop imagining them it’s taking to much out of me my brain is exhausting but I can’t helps but feel like I’m ignoring God. Like I know I shouldn’t worry about the future but what if God is trying to tell me something and then I go to what if Jesus comes back tomorrow and I’m still pursuing Gus even if I don’t know what that means but I really am ignoring God and I don’t get to go with Him to heaven. I feel so safe with Gus the ocd never bothers me when I’m with him I let him touch my face and be on me and it’s so relieving to have that I trust him so much and i really don’t trust people that way. I fell asleep on him and ifkyk id let him bring me food and I’d eat it I just feel so comfortable with him I can talk to him about anything and we’re doing a plan on the Bible app together and he has helped me grow in my faith which feels wrong for some reason too like talking to him did. He just feels so safe and that’s really rare for me which I think should mean something right? I don’t know if it’s conviction or condemnation or just the ocd it would be so easy to blame it on the 2nd two but that feels wrong. Sorry this got so long thank you if you stuck around for the whole thing I really appreciate it.💗

user36373738

Date posted: 20w

Does this mean I don’t love him 😭

I know it’s long but plz read :( have been having really bad ocd about my relationship and my partner and it has gotten worse and worse over the span of like about nine months I’d say. I do acknowledge there are flaws and legit issues about him and the relationship like there are with anyone but I also know ocd has clouded my judgement and perception by analyzing everything and compulsions. For a while I kept feeling this need to get out which I know was ocd. I was really scared to spend the weekend with him because I thought I would just be annoyed and irritated cause it’s been that way for a while but he also was going through a period of high stress so maybe I was resenting him for that and I also wasn’t communicating how I should have been when I was upset because I’ve done that too much in the past. This weekend I was told in therapy to just be in the moment and not have to worry about trying to answer the question of do I love him or should I break up. It did help but It’s weird cause this weekend ended up better but I also was kind of numb? Like I was enjoying myself but didn’t feel what I always have felt in the past? Anyway, I am really anxious because i feel like if I loved him I would be supportive of when his parents compliment him or when he does well at something when instead all I think of are that I’m not happy or annoyed because of things he does that upset me or make me mad and it’s like that’s the only way my brain wants to see him as a person. Or when he is upset it feels like I don’t care like I used to because I think of how he doesn’t deserve this when he does this or he shouldn’t have this when he is like this etc. Why does my brain automatically go there? That’s horrible! I feel like I should be excited for him, rooting for him. But it also feels like I do care for him? But my thoughts keep changing. I am afraid I only am with him because I love that he loves me and how he treats me. This makes me feel selfish cause I can’t do that. I notice I still like when he cuddles me and is sweet to me and does fun things watching movies etc. And that’s not how it used to feeel which scares me because I don’t want to be without him. I also love his parents am I only with him cause of how his parents treat me? I feel so selfish and like I have to tell him and break up with him cause it’s the right thing to do. I never used to feel like this. I’m scared. Is it possible I’m just I’ve been mad and resenting how it’s been cause he’s been stressed mix with my ocd? My therapist said relationships can go through phases. Can I fall back in love with him again? I feel like I have to try to start with someone else like this is too far gone. I don’t want to stay in something where I don’t feel toward him the way I want to but I really don’t want to leave him. I feel like such an awful person cause he doesn’t deserve this and is so caring and loving despite everything the major thing that bugs me is how he gets irritable a lot which is an imperfection that makes me get anxious and question him😭 trying not to read into this and just follow what the therapist said but this is scaring me because I feel like if I loved him I wouldn’t think like this or feel like this.

Relationship OCD

Doopydoowa

Date posted: 19w

Please help-relationship advice

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

Relationship OCD

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Relationship stuff.. listen to the heart or brain?

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