What if…

Withholding, not sharing, not speaking up. All compulsions. Here are some of the What if’s that sort of bombard me so quickly that I fear I’m becoming paranoid and the compulsion is not to share because I’ve been afraid to share: What if I’m a pedaphile with OCD? Or what if I misjudge someone’s age and I do something wrong with them? What if I already did this and didn’t know it? What if my subconscious just suppressed it? What if I’m really this person who committed (insert name of specific crime they are talking about on the new) but I don’t remember? Would it be fair to lock me up? And what if because I am thinking that, it proves that I’m actually a criminal? And what if I share things with my therapist and they see it as proof that I have a much worse disease and they want me locked up? What if I don’t do compulsions and someone dies because of it? What if I don’t do compulsions and play into satins hand? What if fear of playing into satin’s hands just proves my insanity? What if things aren’t fair at all at anytime and that leads to me failing in life? What if everyone can just see how anxious I am and think I am behaving in an insane manor? What if my behaviors make people think Im incompetent? What if people mis understand me and think that I am saying something horrible? What if I’m not clear enough in my speech? What if all these what if’s bombarding my brain in rapid succession just proves that I have a worse disease?

jlaym

Date posted: 2y

Well friend, I can’t say for certain, but this sounds an awful lot like the OCD voice to me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Anotherday333

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@jlaym Yeah, I think so too. This is how my OCD gets when I’m anxious, it just keeps throwing stuff at me rapid fire seeing if anything sticks. And if something does it runs with it. I was afraid to tell people some of these things, and I’m still nervous about it being out there (infact there is a list of what-if’s attached to my putting this list on here). But it’s also helpful. Not just for ERP but in helping me see what is going on in my head and why I do what I do or feel how I feel.

jlaym

Date posted: 2y

@ncamp816 Hey, if there’s any group of people that know that your character isn’t built by the unchosen thoughts ruthlessly shoving their own way into your brain, I think you found the right spot! I get your reticence, though. It can be scary to share- some people who don’t experience such intense/frequent intrusions - who have a sense that their thoughts are *chosen*- might not understand that these aren’t *wanted*, *deliberate*, *authentic* thoughts, so it’s possible for people to get the wrong impression since they see thoughts as something you choose, not a thing that sometimes invades us. FWIW, this pattern of, let’s call it “whatiffing” I think is a *widely* common pattern for those of us with an OCD- wired brain. I genuinely can’t stop it for the world sometimes! I’ll admit I don’t have the numbers, but I’d wager it’s a hefty majority of OCD sufferers in general. It almost is intertwined with the pattern. (So is “what if it’s not really intrusive/compulsive/ocd/etc”- btw! Same origin, in many cases!) If you feel best deleting it, that’s cool, too! But (take my advice lightly, NOT a doc/therapist!) - it *might* be a good opportunity to ERP when you feel like you compulsively have to delete it! Obvs use your best judgment, just a thought! Do you journal? I’ve only recently started keeping a daily journal of my state for the same reason- it helps to track pitfalls and progress! No idea if it’ll help yet but here’s hoping! I know it doesn’t make the struggle dissipate, but you’re heard, friend.

Anotherday333

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@jlaym Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I’m not deleting it because that would be accepting defeat. I’m too stubborn for that. Maybe journaling would help. Thank you.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

ERP can help with this.

Anotherday333

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P Thanks Erin. You are right about that. This was an attempt at ERP. And I think it helped some to see it. Because the thoughts are quick, slippery and always switching up content.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@ncamp816 Yes writing it down can be used as long as it doesn’t become a compulsion.

Anotherday333

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P I agree.

Youactlikeyo...

Date posted: 20w

Is this apart of ocd?

Hi I just have a few questions! (Im 14 btw) Okay so basically I’m really worried I’ll become a pedo/I already am and I don’t know it yet. I’m also really scared if I SA someone, even tho I don’t want to and I’d never do something like that but I feel like this part of me is saying that I will and it’s really scaring me. I feel so alone and I’m so scared I’m a bad person on the inside and this isn’t ocd and I’m gonna unleash hell on this earth I’m so scared. I’ll get a thought like if I’m walking past someone random it will be like “What if you sa them?” And it scares me so bad I feel horrible for thinking that. Is this apart of it? I feel like I’m always fixated on the topic of sa to check if I would do something like that, I don’t know anymore I just feel like a bad person (btw I have not done anything like that to anyone!)

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Irrational Fears

Usually my compulsions are always motivated by fear. I feel like a child when I have compulsions. Like for example, my brain convinces me that someone is in my house and I need to open every cabinet and all the shower curtains, and do tons of other crazy things like march instead of walking so that if someone where to shoot at my legs they'd have less of a chance of hitting me. How do I stop it? I am just going about my day and I can see in my head, myself getting attacked or something and so my only option to calm myself down is to do a bunch of random actions that will keep me "safe". Does anyone else experience this? Or convince themselves that they are under Milo Murphys law? That anything bad that can happen to them will, so they need to never do anything that could result in anything bad, and avoid everything? And how do you convince yourself you're not in danger?

Tireddd

Date posted: 17w

Seeing myself as a... Criminal?

Now i have been a little upset, and i just came across a post that asked people, "What's one of those things that people refuse to accept out of morality, but you believe to be true?" One of the most liked answers was: "Killing criminals should be legal", another answer said: "Imagine a carnage of p... To be in a better world where children don't suffer" I mean, i'm not advocating for those criminals, and in some ways i agree that the world would be better off without them, but my mind keeps assuming i'm already one of them and they're talking about me. It's torture. I don't know what to do or think, It's just that there's no point in "accepting that it could or could not be the fear in my mind", because if it's true, it would mean the most horrible thing in the world. That is, for ROCD, for SOOCD, yeah, it's that irrational and fault logic by definition. There is no shame in being gay, heterosexual or not, loving your partner or not is not a matter of live and death, but POCD doubt IS, i mean... Not only does it feel important, IT IS important for me and i would believe that for everybody, because that's a matter of hurting other people or not, it's a matter of ruining someone's live or not. I can't practice ignoring my mind, saying "ok, maybe", BECAUSE IT'S AN EXTRAODINARILY HORRIBLE TOPIC.

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