Is really complicated to me to understand the Trans OCD. When my hocd is leaving me some peace, this comes to make me feel so lost about myself... The uncertainty of not knowing what I am, not being caoable of choosing anything, not being capable of surpass this wall... makes me so sad and so frustrated. "What I do now?" I don't know what to do with that. I know my two fears are connected, identity and sexuality come togheter. Like: now I am NB person (sometimes I believe I am a man xd) and also Bi or lesbian? Or whatever my head brings me today. I panicked the other day because I was really sick for at least three days and I didn't go outside because my stomach hurted a lot. And yesterday I started to think: Maybe I can not go outside anymore. That way I don't have to see any people so I don't feel anxious again. But being lonely is even worse. I breath calmly, I woke up and I went to my job. And life keep going the same way. (With ocd but the same way.) But ufff, those moments are the worse. Thanks god I am starting to leave the compulsions.

OCD attacks the things we care about the most. For people with SOOCD and gender identity OCD, that’s having a strong sense of self. To people like us, knowing who we are is fundamental to how we live. (Seems straightforward, but actually, most people don’t put that much energy into understanding themselves!) We think about why we are the way we are more than other people, we work on ourselves more than other people, we put more time and energy into developing our personality and traits than others. We make ourselves feel more guilty than others when we don’t live up to our own high standards. OCD sees how important identity is to us, and it attacks. We lose our sense of self. And I know for a lot of us, after awhile, we don’t even care who that self is anymore: gay, straight, bi, trans, non-binary, cis, whatever! We just want to know who we are with certainty. But the more certain we try to be, the further the goal post seems to move. Who were you before OCD? Who are you when OCD takes a break for a little while and you start to feel (briefly) better? The person you think you are when you’re an anxious ball of tears is not you. The person you are is the person who’s happy and thriving without OCD. OCD does not help us find ourselves. It makes us lose ourselves.

I totally get it. The longer it goes on, the more painful it is. And it is physically and emotionally painful and exhausting. Label your thoughts: that’s an OCD thought. That’s an OCD thought. If you’re unsure, ask yourself: does this thought bring about huge amounts of anxiety and a sense of doom? Than it’s an OCD thought. Do ERP when you can, but also take breaks. Tell those OCD thoughts: not right now. Not today. No thank you. And don’t engage.

I understand you ♡ before ocd, I never asked myself these kinds of things. Is not likr I assumed this or not, Injust didn't start the question. The compulsions hurted me so much so many months that now is so hard...

Thanks ♡♡♡