R*pe ocd again.

17+ no below that or blocked —- What kind of theme is it, when your bf does something to you physically, but then you get worried that what if your bf did something actually really wrong to you physically, but you know he didn’t do anything wrong but your brain keeps saying that he did, so you have to make sure he didn’t or try to relieve it by proving it to not be true

TMI!! Hey everyone, I was coming on here to ask if anyone has experienced this before! Im in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend so in this post I wanted to ask this question because this is how it felt to me! I remembered earlier today I was watching this movie, etc. and there was this spicy scene in it (iykyk) and it got me feeling some sort of way. This has happened before especially if I’ve played a game or watched a show with some content like this. I felt really in the mood and started to imagine my boyfriend and I doing those things together and I sort of decided to (yanno, the m word) hopefully everyone understands because I just don’t like saying the word😭, but I found that every time I do that, that’s when my ocd is at its worst/peak. Every time my mind has tried to convince me I’ve cheated, when I self pleasure. I get in the mood if I think of my boyfriend and I doing those things I see in movies, shows etc, and that’s when I’ll do it, But literally I realized after I’ve done that at times my ocd is at its worst because my mind will attack me constantly asking “Is this cheating? Does this make me a horrible girlfriend?” If I self pleasure, I also want to add that I mentioned it to my boyfriend at one time and he told me it wasn’t at all and that everything is okay, but constantly I feel guilty for it and extremely horrible. Just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this?

I was looking up stuff about kinks, because my friend is trying to help me "get out there", and I took the bdsm test to see where I land on it. I got 100% vanilla, and I was a little embarassed so I decided to Google things like "is it normal to not have a lot of kinks" or "what % of the population is into kink" and when I scrolled down a bit, I clicked on one of the little suggestion things with the arrow that said "are men more prone to enjoying kink than women" and it revealed a blurb from the website that said that men are in fact more inclined to kink, but also mentioned that it also means they're more inclined to p*dophellia, which sort of set off all these questions in my head of like "Wait so if p*dophellia is just a kink, does that make it more likely that I have it? Because scientenists still don't know what causes it so what if events in my childhood led up to me having it to some extent" and I started kind of going down this internal rabbit hole of trying to figure out how likely it is that I have it or some form of it bc if it's just a kink and not a mental illness than it feels more feasible? Idk I'm a woman so ik it's not AS common in us but it's still possible. I'm doing a little better with redirecting my attention and cooling my anxiety but I had an onslaught of intrusive images before falling asleep like I used to have when I first started experiencing this fear. It's been really catapulting me back to the beginning and I find that I'm ruminating on when it started and if it really means I'm a p or not. I know it's classic ocd but it's hard when it doesn't feel that way ;-; anyway, I'm too scared to Google bc i know it'll be a form of reassurance but also I'm just scared of having anything related to that in my search history so I just thought I'd post here. Anyone else have conflicting thoughts like this?