sometimes I just don’t understand God. I just wanna go up to heaven and yell at him “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” Just as I wrote that I burst into tears. what does he gain from watching me suffer, this is hard. this is so painful every single day, I guess this is karma for everything I’ve ever done. I want to tell someone, I have a therapist to talk to but honestly she’s dumb to me thinking I have OCD. I obviously know I’m not alone but I feel so...alone.

my ocd has really been taking its toll on me lately. i feel completely unloved by God. i use to feel it, but now i just kinda feel a hole. i talk to Him everyday, and read devotionals. i spend time with Him. i just can’t feel Him. i know a relationship with God isn’t based on feelings, but on faith. i guess my faith is running a bit low. i’m just tired and my thoughts get worse. it’s like a roller coaster.

So I’m not sure how many/if any of you are Christians, but I’m assuming this can still make sense to some of you. This morning has been rough. I’m constantly thinking, “am I saved? Have I never been saved and I’m tricking myself into thinking I am? When I’m listening to Christian music am I doing for the right reasons? Is it too late for me?”. Things I know the truthful answers to but yet I still think these thoughts. I don’t understand why. Why do I constantly think about these “what if”’s? My heart always feels so heavy and I feel as if I need to talk to God right then and there to make it stop and go away. But then am I talking to the Lord for the wrong reasons? And the cycle repeats. Thankfully, day one of my therapy is tonight and I’m hoping to find at least a little clarity on this stuff. I’ve had OCD for 7 years and I don’t even know how it works. Any advice?

I’ve been struggling with something deeply painful and overwhelming. It is Religious OCD, and it’s affecting every part of my life. I feel like I’m losing myself. Even in my sleep, I find no rest. The intrusive thoughts are constant—they never stop—and I wake up exhausted every day because my mind keeps running. I also often break down in secret. Earlier I broke down in front of my mom and told her what I’ve been going through. I couldn’t carry it on my own anymore. I explained that I’ve been struggling with OCD since I was 13, and it has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I’m 17 now. But the truth is, the symptoms started much earlier—around age 9. I kept it hidden for so long because I knew our family was going through financial hardships, and I didn’t want to be a burden. Now, OCD has taken the form of Religious OCD. I constantly feel like my thoughts, feelings, or even normal actions are sinful. My brain keeps throwing dark, unwanted “what if” thoughts at me—thoughts I never wanted or chose. I try to ignore them, but they just come back stronger. While I was opening up to her about my Religious OCD, I noticed I kept seeking reassurance. I feel bad and guilty about it. My mom cried in front of me and it's breaking me. She tried her best to comfort me, and I truly appreciate that. But I could tell she was confused and overwhelmed. I tried to explain that OCD isn’t just about stress or overthinking—it’s a real mental health condition. Still, she told me maybe I don’t really have OCD, and that I’ve just convinced myself I do because I spend too much time online. That really hurt. I’m not making this up. I’m not doing this for attention. I don’t want these thoughts—they are not who I am. It’s painful when people say, “it’s all in your head,” as if I can just stop thinking about it and be fine. I wish it were that simple. But that’s not how OCD works. It’s not just “overthinking”—it’s a cycle that traps you, and even when you know what’s happening, it still feels impossible to escape. I feel guilty and ashamed. I know my mom is worried, and I know she loves me. She’s also afraid that people will think I’m crazy. She even told me that if this continues, I might have to stop college. That crushed me. I don’t want to let her down. I don’t want to make life harder for anyone. I love my mom, and it broke me to yell at her—I was just desperate for her to understand. Sometimes, I’ve even thought about leaving my religion—not because I want to, but because I feel so tormented by these thoughts. I love God. I want to feel close to Him again, without fear and anxiety. But Religious OCD has made me question everything, and that’s what hurts the most. What I need right now is understanding, not judgment. I need someone to believe me when I say this is real. That OCD is a mental disorder, and that Religious OCD is one of its many subtypes. It slowly takes my faith—something sacred—and turns it into a source of fear, guilt, and anxiety. I desperately want to get better. I want therapy, but I know we can’t afford it right now. I even thought about going to church and wanted to ask for help—but I’m scared they won’t understand my Religious OCD either, just like my mom. I want to talk to a counselor, but I don’t know where to find one. I don’t know where to begin. I feel so helpless, hopeless, and alone. I try to stay strong, but I feel like I’m drowning. I’m exhausted. Sometimes, I even think about giving up entirely, because I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. I’m scared that I’m starting to develop depression on top of everything. I’m scared that if this continues, I’ll lose my mind completely and end up somewhere I don’t belong. And that fear alone is killing me inside. I just want to feel better. I want peace. I want my mind back. I want my relationship with God to feel safe again. Please—if you’re reading this and you understand, or you can help, or even just listen without judging—please, help me find a way forward.