sometimes I just don’t understand God. I just wanna go up to heaven and yell at him “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” Just as I wrote that I burst into tears. what does he gain from watching me suffer, this is hard. this is so painful every single day, I guess this is karma for everything I’ve ever done. I want to tell someone, I have a therapist to talk to but honestly she’s dumb to me thinking I have OCD. I obviously know I’m not alone but I feel so...alone.

Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help

i feel depressed. i’m so tired of living with constant guilt, fear, and pain. i feel so lost and lifeless. i feel like i’m not living for myself anymore. i'm so done with my life. i really hate myself. it’s all my fault. everything that goes wrong and everything that keeps happening to me is all my fault. i feel sorry for the people who have me in their lives. they don’t deserve someone like me. this world doesn’t deserve a person like me. i can’t do this anymore. every night, i keep crying. i just don’t want to wake up the next morning, yet i keep waking up. for me, another day is another suffering. i hate myself so much. i don’t deserve anything good. i hate my really bad and dark thoughts, and i can’t tell whether they are truly mine or not. the guilt is eating me alive, and i feel hopeless and undeserving of forgiveness. my family doesn’t know about my struggles, and i don’t want them to. i don’t want to be a burden or make them feel like they failed as parents. i don’t want to make their lives any harder. i just hate my religious ocd. sometimes i think i’m just making it an excuse. i feel sorry for God and Jesus for being this kind of person. i wish i wasn’t born into this world. i can’t continue living like this. i feel like i’m going insane. i’m just accepting that i’m horrible, and that all those bad thoughts are mine. that i'm disrespectful and a terrible person. i'm not suicidal. i’m just so tired of living like this. i'm not expecting happiness or anything good because i don’t deserve any of it. i feel like a disgusting person. i hate that someone like me still has the courage to show up every day around other people. i deserve all the pain and to drown in it. i just want to vent about what i really feel right now because it feels so heavy and unbearable. i don’t want to make others’ lives miserable or hurt God anymore.

I’ve felt more alone than ever lately dealing with this. I tried a little to talk to my boyfriend about it but it’s so hard to explain it to someone who doesn’t have it. And whe at the same time my brain is trying to convince me I don’t really have it and I’m lying to myself and I don’t really need help. Like I genuinely don’t know how to look him in the eyes and say I can’t stop thinking that he’s not over his ex or he wants and other girl and my brain pulls things out of thin air to back me up he doesn’t get that it feels so real for me and when I tried to talk about really extra over thinking and like I said making stuff up he was like “well I think it’s just a girl thing” and that hurt cause I like i just don’t know how to express how I’m feeling in a way that makes people understand and it hurts that I can’t do that and it also doesn’t help that I did try therapy and she completely made me feel crazy I feel like within the first 10 minutes she made up her mind - that it’s mostly anxiety she picked one thing I said and that was the only thing that sounded like it to her a pattern thing I just feel like she wasn’t listening to me about my thoughts and I told her I started realizing around 2020 and she brought up Covid I said I wasn’t scared and I genuinely Meant that I was really only scared for my grandma and my mom since it affected older people I was never scared of it like that and she only looked at physical stuff I feel like I told her I have to count them I pass a biker and look and keep making sure and she was like you just want to be safe and then she went on to tell me that “not everything I do is abnormal other people just don’t do it” that really hurt and now I feel so self conscious talking about it because I feel insane I know what I’m going through but everyone either doesn’t get it or thinks they do too much and that’s just as worse. People think ocd is just being organized and we all know it’s not. I’m not mad at him for not understanding I don’t want him to get it in the way that I do no one should have to deal with this but I want him to know enough. we “broke up” a few times just couldn’t get it right now we both agree we weren’t ready and it wasn’t in Gods plan yet and things are genuinely different I see it it’s crazy but my mind still try’s to tell me I’m not good enough for God for him to give me a relationship yet I just don’t know how to sit there and tell him my mind keeps replaying the past over and over again and convincing me I need to leave so he’ll come back “my way” or how I think we should’ve happened which I know is me trying to play God it just feels too good to be real some people spend a lifetime searching for love and I don’t understand why I get it now we’re still teenagers and then I think like maybe I get it now cause I won’t be around for long or he won’t and I just sit there and scare myself and I don’t know how to explain that to him and honestly I don’t even know how I want him to react I just want to feel seen whatever that means. I have this other friend I talk to about it she used to have really bad anxiety she started taking medicine for it and she thinks she understands ocd cause her mom has it but it’s not as bad or the same kinds as me and she try’s to help I know she does but at the end of the day it’s really just her telling me my thoughts are crazy which I understand that I know they are and her telling me I’m not gonna enjoy life or my relationship if I keep thinking like this and yes obviously but I physically can’t it’s not a switch I can just turn off I try so hard to ignore it but I can’t it’s just gotten so bad recently and I don’t feel like I deserve my bf right now cause of it especially if I can’t open up about it or find a way to make him understand what I’m going through and I just feel crazy and alone and if you read all of this thank you so much I really do appreciate it.