Hey guys first step in getting better

Hey guys.. I’m 24 I’ve had OCD since before I can remember.. I was triggered bad while living with my childhood rapist at 17 who was a family member who tested positive for HIV so it sent in in a spiral of fear and being “dirty” I have many types of ocd over the years it’s gotten worse, it’s gotten in the way of my marriage and relationship with my kids. I was doing okay ocd wise after marriage it was hard but I felt “better/normal” I just had small triggers. Then I gave birth to my first and while in the hospital it got so bad I was scared to touch her because I was too dirty. I had to wash my hands before touching her always wash her stuff I even used ALCOHOL LIKE RUBBING ALCOHOL to clean her bottles and pacifiers like ?!? I couldn’t even breast feed because I’d make myself shower and use wipes or soap before she could latch because I thought I was too dirty… about 7 months after I gave birth my gallbladder started to go out it was messed up for awhile so I started using glove to use the bathroom when I go number 2 because I was scared… that was 2 years ago and I’m still using gloves. I wear gloves to the grocery store and around the house for certain things. I get gashes on my arms and hands sores from washing so much. If I go pee I was twice if I go #2 I wash three times all the way to my elbows. But sometimes if I’m stressed which happens daily I wash till it “feels right” it gets in the way of my marriage I have my husband washing his hands for touching clean things! Stuff I know isn’t dirty. Changing my clothes and bedding because “what if I touched that” what if this what if that. I stopped cooking raw fresh meat two years ago! Because I’m scared of getting sick or getting my family sick. I only make frozen food and I still call it “dirty” I can’t eat out at a restaurant or anything. I get fast food I have to wait till I get home and wash my hands or I have to do weird stuff to not touch the fries and nuggets with my hands. This is just the top coat of everything it gets much worse. I just want to know what steps to take? I’m tired of living in hell. I’m scared to even see family members because I think they’re dirty. Ugh. I just want to go out have fun with my kids without freaking out and crying or getting scared.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

I’m not a therapist but you sound like you are at a point where a high level program like residential treatment might be best. I was a mess when I went to residential OCD treatment and it saved my life. A ERP based residential treatment center can deal with all the types of concerns you have mentioned and they include family sessions (in person or over the phone). There are several in the US (if you are here) and some take insurance. I went to Rogers Behavioral Health in Wisconsin so I know they are good and take insurance but there are others too. One nice thing about them is they also have full and 1/2 day programs in a number of states so when you have an assessment they can give you their thoughts on the level of treatment you need. If you are saying “but I can’t leave my child”, here’s what I can share as a mom with OCD that impacted my son and husband: your husband would probably rather be a single parent for awhile and have you come home better versus continuing to live like this. My husband certainly felt that way. Your child is around 3 from what I can tell. They are likely aware that something is wrong with mommy and be confused about the things you do. My son was when I first tried 1/2 treatment ( that place was bad unfortunately). The book Scaredy Squirrel helped my son understand my OCD in a very simplistic age appropriate way when he was 3 or 4. When I went to residential he was older but knew I wasn’t okay and that I was going away to get help. I live in California so I was away from my son for three months (we did FaceTime though). I came back in much better shape and was able to be a better mother. I went from being in hell to having most of my OCD under control. It is the way out of hell.

geothegreat

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P I understand but we do not have the family or resources for in patient and I have done programs like that over the years as a teen and didn’t benefit from them they actually made me spiral worse. Yes my daughter can tell things are wrong but I also have a 9 month old. And I am our source of income. My husband could not possible with 0 other family ( I cut mine off at 17 and he only has elderly parents) take care of too kids. Yes I need help but I need to start small and at home. I am in the states as well. I know my husband gets stressed from the ocd he thinks “ why can you just think normal/ see the logic” I will say it got better after having my second but I recently had a tooth pulled and it triggered me I try to hard not to put my ocd on my family but it’s hard

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@geothegreat I’m sorry you have so much on your plate and do not have as many options. Have you tried NOCD? I did but they told me I was too severe for them. I am currently trying to find something else that would work. Hopefully at least the book I recommended will be of some help. Sending you strength.

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