Feeling discouraged. Today i did an exposure and overcame a big fear item. I wore something i labeled contaminated (a high level fear) and i was so happy i did it and then a few hours later ocd hits me with something stronger and i just feel terrible now. It does this everytime i take a step forward. Feeling so lost

I am hurting so much right now. I feel sad and disgusted with myself that I would even worry about these things (pocd). What kind of a human even thinks that and has doubts about that?? Definitely not one that’s rational or mentally sane. That kind of stuff should be a no brainer so why do I worry about it so much and what does it say about me? I feel sick and disgusted and can’t stop crying over it. I just feel so defeated like I want to disappear. I started ERP and every time I resist reassuring myself it comes back at me from every angle. I hate this so much.

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

I'm currently at one of the lowest points with my OCD despite me working so hard on it and everything that I know it stems from because a lot of my OCD comes from trauma from sexual abuse as a kid and as I got older and a lot of other stuff which is also why I have Complex PTSD. I was doing so well, I started medication, and I was in this dual housing program for treatment and everything was going okay. That was until I ended up getting SA’D by a man there and none of the staff cared or did anything despite me doing everything possible and gathering all of this evidence and all the people there either didn't care or bullied me relentlessly as they laughed with my abuser. It was so painful and I felt so alone. I think what triggered my spiral was that it was very similar to the reactions of my past assaults and thus my OCD came spiralling alongside my C-PTSD symptoms and I feel like it is worse then before. I left that place but its still absolutely terrible and I feel so hopeless and hurt. Not only did this man hurt me like I have been in the past he brought back the very thing that caused me so many years of suffering. It makes me sick. I don't want to think these thoughts or feel these horrible urges and sensations. I feel so disgusting and broken.