- Date posted
- 2y
bullying
this probs isn’t to do with OCD but i can’t afford a therapist so i thought i’d share it on here and see if anyone has had similar experiences and how they have coped with it. I struggle with connecting with people especially when it comes to relationships, i either think that the boys are just trying to see my body, or rush into things or we hit a wall when talking. I think the problem is that i'm so awkward and i find it difficult to talk to them because i'm so scared of embarrassing myself. I was bullied in school from around year 1 to year 11 and i don't really remember a lot from my childhood because of it. All i remember was that i was always picked on and left out and called names in primary school and i know it got to the point where i wasn't sleeping or eating properly so my parents pulled me out. i remember a little bit of it, i remember group of girls saying they are going to trip me up and hurt me when we go ice skating for a birthday party and my mum wouldn't let me go because of it. when my parents pulled me out i'm year 5 i didn't get bullied at my new school until i wasn't cast as the new girl anymore, i remember there being a specific people who did everything to make my life miserable, yet i don't remember what they did only the feeling. I remember the bullying getting worse in year 7 when i started getting accused of things and getting my school lunch ruined and things of mine went missing. I also remember being told to stay in my room on school trips and everyone else went into another room and when i went to join them they shouted at me to go back into my room. I remember putting my homework in the homework box in music and then next day find it back in my locker after getting a detention because someone took it out whilst putting there's in. I remember being called a spacker and being laughed at for being dyslexic i remember being spoken about behind peoples back because of my rosy cheeks i remember people locking me out of my own study because 'it's just a joke' i remember being the only one not invited to things i remember having stuff thrown at me yet im told to get over it because it was years ago i remember feeling like a disappointment like an outcast, a joke, a piece of dirt on the floor for people to step on. I can't get into relationships with boys because i can't talk about my feelings because i don't know what i'm feeling half of the time and i struggle to get attached to people. As soon as i feel anything for a boy i back off and get defensive because i constantly feel like that's the only way to be safe to not get hurt i can't get hurt again i can't my whole school life all i've known is sadness, anger, hatred for myself, feeling not good enough and now it's made me feel so disconnected and i really wish i could get a boyfriend easily and fall in love with a boy easily but i can't and i'm scared of being intimate because i'm scared of being laughed at and for it all to just be one huge joke on me