I suffered cocsa and it makes my ocd go wild.

Tw: sa For those who don’t know what cocsa is it’s child on child sexual abuse. My cousin who was 4 years older then me sa’d me continually until he was an adult. These memories taint and confuse others especially because he disguised his play as abuse. So it’s like nowadays thinking back to when I was playing with other kids, was any of it sexual like it was with him? Obviously I didn’t know it was with him until I got older and he admitted that shit. He told me straight up that he did it on purpose. There were also times where he didn’t even bother to disguise it.. These are the thoughts that consume me. Worried that I sa’d or was sa’d by a family member or friend. God admitting this is scary because I feel most people would fucking hate me. I don’t wanna be a bad person. I feel disgusting in all aspects and I hate being in my mind and body.

Real Events OCD

Username: givemedream36givemedream36

Date posted: 1y ago

Its very sad its happened with you. Its not you fault. Of course its influence you believe about you and other people negative way. You very brave talk about this. You need accept this fact its happening with you in you past. You can heal youself. You can't change you past. But you can be strong person now. And have great future. Accept yourself. Even with this very bad experience. You deserve love. Be compassion about yourself. Accept all you intrusive thought and unpleasant emotions and sensation now. Make exposure about this. And you heal you body. I can recommend you "CPT Coach" app for working with you believes. Its how you heal yourself in cognitive level. I wish you all best. You deserve good life. Remember this.

Username: Idontknowausername Idontknowaus...

Date posted: 1y ago

@givemedream36 Thanks so much for your comment it means so much. It helps a lot.

Username: givemedream36givemedream36

Date posted: 1y ago

@Idontknowausername I make this comment for full intention to help you. Because i know you strong person (because you speak about what weak people prefer not talk) and you can heal youself. And have great life. I believe in you.

Username: Idontknowausername Idontknowaus...

Date posted: 1y ago

@givemedream36 Thanks so much, you’re so so very kind

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

hey! I was also a victim of child on child SA :/ …. I was 5 years old, they were 2 girls ages 6 and 7 I believe. They also disguised it as a game and I never understood the depth of what was happening until I got shamed by my parents when they found it. It destroyed my child hood…. The constant guilt…fear….shame. And so I developed a lot of sexual related ocd. I’m now 21. I didn’t I had ocd until I was like 20 tho. I also always feared getting SA’d or that I SAd people as well, so you are not alone. After a lot of exposure to my fears, I now have a muchhhhh easier time dealing with these fears, to the point where they don’t come often. Ur going to be alright hun💜

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm currently having the fear and worry that I've sa'd someone and I'm ruminating nonstop about it. Trying not to. Sorry that happened to you, that's really heartbreaking and sad. :( I wouldn't have any clue how very small children would be able to do those things

Username: Idontknowausername Idontknowaus...

Date posted: 1y ago

@BigGip09 It usually happens because of sexual abuse patters. My abuser was my cousin who’s father continuously raped his mom (my aunt). He grew up in that home so it’s no wonder why he started assaulting me when we started going through puberty. It started when I was 11/12 and he was 15/16 :,’( He’s an adult now and just as bad from what I know. I’m far away from him.

Username: Idontknowausername Idontknowaus...

Date posted: 1y ago

@BigGip09 Tw for that comment

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y ago

@Idontknowausername That's very sickening. I'm really sorry for you all. That's really disturbing and sad. It's very uncertain that he couldn't get any better. I hope someday he finds the help he needs. I didn't go through any of that but I acted out when I was a teenager. I hated the things I did but I grew out of those behaviors, hoping that it never happens again.

Username: Idontknowausername Idontknowaus...

Date posted: 1y ago

@BigGip09 Yeah there’s a lot of me that hates him and for very justified reasons but I don’t hate his inner child/old self who grew up that way and wasn’t an abuser. I don’t he will ever get help, he’s a hermit and from what I hear very mean and cruel to everyone around him. He has no life beyond eating either.

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y ago

@Idontknowausername This is really sad to hear because that's someone who's hurting from an environment that he had no control over. That really just disappoints me because that person went through pain. I'm really sorry about him. I still hope by some miracle he improves. That just isn't fair. :(

Username: bloop123

Date posted: 5y ago

I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

Username: Lenise

Date posted: 1y ago

Can being SA’d as a child give you ocd?

I was inappropriately touched by a few people close to me. All fairly young as well. I can’t help but think some of it was my fault. I also repeated these actions to other kids my age and traumatized them too. I feel so so guilty and awful. It makes me hate myself so much.

Username: Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 43w ago

Terrified I might've SA'd someone

I'm freaking out because I saw a tiktok on cocsa and now I'm afraid I did it when I was super little. I had to be like 6 or so but I can't remember, i just remember being little, not even 10 yet i dont think. I remember i was with my younger brother and my dad and we were all playing hide and seek in a hotel. And then me and my younger brother were hiding in the bathroom. I remember us giggling and then I remember making him lift his shirt? Or us taking turns lifting our shirts? Then im not sure if we showed each other our genitalia or not, or if his pants were down. I genuienly cant remember but i think we did (me and a friend in lile 1st grade got in trouble for doing that once, so i wouldnt put it past me and i keep getting a vague memory of it so maybe we did). Then i remember kissing his stomach before my dad was like 'what are you guys doing?'. And we both just laughed and left the bathroom. When I was really young, I was exposed to porn and it messed up my brain. I dont think it was innocent even though I didn't understand like what I was doing because I was really little. Hes from my dads side (who i dont talk to anymore) so i havent seen or spoke to him in years. I weve gotten along before we stopped talking though, but still. What if I traumatized him?? What of I did cocsa or intended to/almost did?? What if he doesn't remember now but will remember later and be traumatized??

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I suffered cocsa and it makes my ocd go wild.

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