A heavy vent

TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩

trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts and fear, it’s so hard. i don’t want this. i just want to go back to my normal self who only focused on what i wanted to and not this shell of who i use to be dying to just live again. pocd is the worst theme, it’s taken over my life. every move i make i am just overthinking everything. my brain tells me lies and sometimes i am so afraid i question if i am just “in denial” it’s so terrifying. i feel so so so much guilt, i would and could never hurt a child, it hurts me to even think about it. it makes me feel evil that i have intrusive thoughts. my brain tells me i am “attracted” to kids even though i know i am not, it’s hell. i’ve been having a huge flare up, maybe bc i am on my period, but it’s super difficult lately. i visited my nephew this weekend and i had so much fun, but of course my pocd ruined it and put intrusive thoughts in my head and said i was “attracted” AND I AM NOT, i was disgusting like ACTUALLY HORRIFIED. i wanted to go home so badly and when i got home i just felt so much guilt. pocd has ruined me. i want to be a mom, i want to be an amazing aunt. why is this disorder attacking me so much. :(

I'm already going through so much. I just wish I could get it into my head that these memories of bad things are actually memories of intrusive thoughts I had that day, and not of real actions, because a person with OCD would never do what they most repudiate and abhor and which goes against their principles, and at that time I was already dealing with OCD, I was already avoiding small things for fear of causing harm. I didn't check everything like I do today because I didn't know how the rituals worked, but I always tried to be vigilant so as not to harm anyone, because the intrusive thoughts were intense and I was afraid they would come true. Apart from the fact that my little cousin has never changed with me, he loves me so much, he's affectionate, there's never been a sign that I've hurt him. He remembers little things from back then, he would remember something bad, right? But then it comes into my mind that he was asleep/sleepy and so might not remember. All the bad possibilities run through my mind and sometimes I get distressed, because I love him so much and it horrifies me to imagine that I might have done something bad to him. I don't have the strength to deal with all my problems and these OCD issues, I just want to come to a conclusion and get on with my life, because as well as the OCD I have other problems, such as my finances. Jesus, I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I've talked about it here before, I know it's wrong to seek confirmation, but I need to get it off my chest, I'm already in physical pain from other problems, so having all these things on my mind makes it worse. I just wanted someone to help me, I'm desperate.