PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

My ocd got worse again.

When i hear the word "trauma" i get really angry and frustrated. It just puts more and more frustration in my cause then i feel like im avoiding my "trauma" (which doesnt exist). I went to therapy to hear the same thing, its trauma, im angry at my parents, im putting myself in a victim mode and that why i have harm and suicidal thoughts. Im tired of trying to see why i do have a negative reaction to things, what negative thing happened with me in the past, it never helped. I brought up every negative memory that my parents made, i was so angry at them, i dealt with them wrongly, hated them, then i felt so guilty cause they doesnt deserve it now. I understood what they did then, i worked on accepting it, it was a good feeling. Then after some weeks i got angry at them again, everything came back,.i was hating them and harm thoughts came back,then felt bad of course cause i took it seriously like i really want to act on it cause i have "trauma" so i got hopeless then i got into victim mentality, and then i thought i victimize myself cause thats how i learned to deal with things, i think about offing myself cause im victimizing myself to get attention and all of that crap and ofcourse it made me feel worse about myself. And since then i feel bad. Im really angry about this. It doesnt work, you can think about what happend in the past,how you reacted to it, it just makes you overthink. I do it i get an answer that makes me feel so bad about myself, so i try to not take it seriously but then im like "im ignoring my emotions, the therapist might be right" and i feel guilty that i deny my problem, so i take that im a horrible person and im victimizing myself and want to off myself and go to get help. Then i get it, i get a relief then the thought "oh but i wouldnt even do that, its not me" hits... and then im like, so this wasnt even trauma, cause i know i wouldnt do it i was just worked up, so this maybe was ocd too... And now the same thing happens, i feel so much anger about hearing "its trauma, you have to accept the way you feel about your parents, you have to accept that youre angry at them because they hurted you in the past" cause it just worsenes the ocd harm thoughts and feelings. It just makes me feel anger again towards them, and then i worry again that i want to harm myself and feel guilty for feeling that. Im just done, and sadly i dont trust any therapist now,.im afraid a new one will say the same, or that maybe they are right and its trauma, or not and its just makes me believe it... cause i dont believe this is ocd, i start to think its "trauma" and me being a victim.

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

tbh i think apart of trauma, we tend to doubt it or we tend to think we are victimizing ourselves . you feel angry or hurt for a reason. whatever your parents did , they did stuff enough to make you feel anger, pain etc . regardless if they changed or they “dont deserve it now”, they still effected you. you are their child, they brought you into this world so they truly should have known better . we tend to believe we are being “over dramatic” etc about trauma . even myself, i think that im just being dramatic or being extra about my trauma or just trying to make myself the victim, but the truth is you are a victim. i understand that can be a lot to take in or sometimes just annoying to hear because you feel as if youre just trying to be a victim. i had to go thru like 4 therapists to find a good one , so maybe that therapist just wasn’t good for you. i think it’s a hard thing to accept a lot that you may have trauma , but just try to look at it as youre just trying to heal yourself . sometimes its a lot to always look at stuff like you have to “fix yourself”. you may have both ocd and trauma, that’s what i have and they both clash. im so sorry you gotta deal with all of that because trust me i know how much torture it can feel like . already you worked on yourself a lot and that’s progress within itself but healing is all over the place, you may have dealt with every single memory etc but it can still come back , even when youre doing really well. take one day at a time .

PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

Thanks for replying. Look, you may not like what i say, it might or might not be trauma, but saying im a victim is what makes it worse... you can adress everything bad that happened with you or people did with you, what will do to you? You just make yourself suffer over thinks happened in the past. I tried "relieving" my pain, and i just made myself suffer more cause.i just made new layers of pain. And i stayed in the cycle. No "relieving" the pain or blaming people will make you feel better, people who recover from trauma move on. So many bad things happened with my mother,but she tries to be happy everytime, i never heard her say "if that wouldnt happened, it would be better". Everyone has bad memories and traumas(not talking about sexual abuse or other horrible things). Everyone get emotionally abused at some point of their life. You can think about it and relieve it everytime you want, but it will just make you suffer. Yes my parents said things that made me feel bad, but its because i was and i am sensitive. If they wouldnt do it, it would someone else outside. If they wouldve did anything how i want, i wouldnt go out of my house till this day cause i would be afraid of taking care of myself and be independent... i once saw a good post in insta about trauma, that in today world everything is trauma, that out parents didnt gave us what we wanted and we developed trauma...im always trying to remind myself that atleast i wasnt beaten up everyday, my dad didnt beat my mom and all of this. Yes my dad never said any good about us but remind myself and be so angry about it what will do? Just make me suffer... Seeing myself as a victim of this will help? I dont think so...

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 i understand what youre saying but i can see that you may have a mindset of “people have it worse!” & thats very common with people who have trauma ( not saying you do or don’t ) . in my personal experience, people i know who have trauma ( even me ) say the same thing that they could have had it worse . lets say, for example, there are 2 homeless people. 1 homeless person has a tent & the other homeless person does not have a tent … would you say that the homeless person with a tent isn’t suffering or shouldn’t really complain? of course not . i think that’s what we tend to do, we tend to be like “well she’s happy & she had trauma , so i should!” or thinking we should just suck it up & move on. apart of healing is honestly suffering lol . it doesn’t matter if people in the real world would have given you a hard time, your parents shouldnt be ur first bully. they should just TEACH you that you may get bullied and how to cope , but they should never be the ones bullying . you’re not sensitive because of that. i would try to stop reminding yourself that ur “lucky” to not be beaten, you still suffered , regardless if you think it was “a lot” . now, im not saying u have to view yourself as a victim if that doesn’t help you, but i do advise you to be more kind to yourself and understand that you dont need to get physically abused to have endured trauma . i hope this didn’t come off in a rude way or anything

PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

@moonjoy So if i take this what you say, then it means the harm thoughts and suicidal thoughts are real thoughts...

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 oh, no im not saying that . im not sure what ur thoughts are. im talking about the trauma u said from your parents , not ur ocd thoughta

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 im saying that ur trauma is valid, even if u didnt have it “bad” as a child. im not saying anything about the harm thoughts

PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

@moonjoy But if its true and i have trauma and i victimize myself then the harm thoughts and suicidal thoughts how arent true? This is what i tried to understand when my therapist told me i victimize myself

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 hm maybe im confused lol, sorry if i confused you as well. i think if you have trauma that doesn’t mean ur victimizing yourself . i dont think ur therapist was right at all to say ur victimizing yourself, if they said that, then thats a terrible therapist . but im not sure about ur thoughts because idk what type of thoughts you have specifically. what type of ocd do u have if you know?

PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

@moonjoy Suicidal ocd, Harm ocd,health ocd, religious ocd, i even developed homosexual ocd, and i obsess about my emotions, why do i have them why they doesnt go away..

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 oh yeah they sound like theyre just ocd thoughts then. i have ocd as well & it makes me feel crazy. it never truly goes away in my mind either, it stays and taunts at me , so i understand. i think the best thing ive heard that helps for ocd is exposure therapy . im starting that .

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 but i can reassure u that its normal for people with ocd. i literally feel as if my thoughts are real sometimes & i can’t tell the difference sometimes. ocd convinces you that its true etc.

PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

@moonjoy I know that, but then what about trauma and other things? I been told ocd is a reaction to supressed feelings, so in that case if i have trauma, then i supress the harm thoughts about my family, the suicidal thoughts, and everything is real... see this is why i dont want to think about it what it is, but sometimes i still do cause it makes me go crazy

PRIV8

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 Whenever i try to disregard with thoughts i feel like im denying and avoiding my "trauma" which makes it worse. I know feeling like im denying it its ocd but you said denying the problem can be a sign of trauma, so nothing seems to work

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@PRIV8 i mean ocd doesn’t necessarily have to be that . it can be, but yours may be different than that. many people have thoughts about things they do not have suppressed emotions towards. ive heard people having thoughts about k*lling people etc and they do not want those thoughts . trauma can be its own separate thing for you .

flowerpetals

Date posted: 21w

frustrating

harm ocd is the bane of my existence. people always tell me that if you have anxiety over a thought, that’s ocd. and these intrusive thoughts cause me IMMENSE anxiety. i’m constantly looking for reasons why i’m not what these thoughts tell me i am. but WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?? it’s like i can’t reassure myself that this isn’t me and i don’t want to do it, but i also look for reasons why it’s not me. my brain is constantly telling me “if you don’t act on this, you’ll never feel free”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT?? and why does it feel real?? anytime i think about getting therapy, i constantly think that it’s not going to help me positively but help me realize i am this person. i just wish someone with harm ocd could get into my brain, understand me, and tell me everything will be okay. i wish someone in recovery could tell me that they’ve been where i am, felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts, and got through it when they thought they wouldn’t. i feel like i’m drowning in it. another thing is i think about how my mom knows a surface level understanding to this form of my ocd, but if she knew it all, i’m scared she’d never look at me the same. i’m scared she’d be scared of me and think i need psychiatric help. IM TERRIFIED.

Harm OCD

PRIV8

Date posted: 21w

Why I don't get psychology

I didn't wanted to say it's useless or it's never helpful, but I feel like it's really black and white and people use it to categories others in "personality groups" and it's wrong how they do it. Yesterday I gave a chance to a video cause I was like "let's learn about myself" and I watched it with curiousity, And at the end of the video i was triggered... Im sure someone without ocd just ignores it and all this is just my ocd but im curious what other people thinks. First thing that triggered me is that making jokes is a coping mechanism, which is somewhat true, it can be for some, but in that video it was told like if you like to make jokes and you like to make people laugh, you only do because you need attention and your mother never gave you attention when you were a kid so now you want attention so you make jokes...As an ocder this got me triggered cause I like to make jokes,but if it would be to get attention it would be forced... and i dont feel like mine is forced,I do it cause I can laugh at my own jokes and making others laugh is a really good feeling. Sometimes Im a troll on the internet, and i like when people read my comments on youtube but thats a normal thing, everyone likes when they get any attention, its normal human behaviour, but psychology often tells you that you have a deep psychological problem and thats why you do these things. And it really feels like an attack, expecially if you have ocd. I remember when I was in therapy, alot of things i do was attacked with this "you do this cause you want attention cause you didnt get it from your parents" and it made me spin and stop doing those things. Its really toxic if you think about it. The other thing was about ocd... I dont know if it's psychology or just the beliefs of that person who made the video, but it's 2025 and people still dont know what is ocd... I read before about "obsessive personality disorder" , the whole personality disorder thing is just made up to label people into groups in my opinion,when people can be in more than 1 group... but what triggered me was that he said "the differece between ocd and obsessive personality dissorder is that people with opd are perfectionists, obsession got their whole life and it controls everything." Now this makes me question what that person thinks about ocd... So ocd does not gets into your life? It does not takes your life away? Here was another he said. "People with ocd do the compulsion because of fear, while people with opd do that because of anger/frustration". And I would ask, what type of feeling is anger? Anger is a second feeling and many times behind it theres another feeling and often it is fear... And people with ocd can become angry and frustrated with their compulsions, some of it does not act on compulsions because of fear but because of frustration. Everyone with ocd is a perfectionist, i know this might trigger you, but its true, everyone with ocd is hard with themself, and can drive others crazy with their rules. These people still thinks that ocd is cleaning and wanting things to be organized... Its sad that the only people who knows what ocd is are the ones who has it or got through it... this is why I dont go to therapy, instead i watch videos on youtube from people who had/has ocd and I have to say it was really helpful and I noticed alot of progression in my mental health...

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

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