Can anyone relate

I’m in ERP for harm ocd which I’ve suffered from for 20+ years. Years of this has convinced me I’m a really bad person and am morally flawed. I’ve been thinking about treatment and ok, so through ERP I become better at dealing with uncertainty, but still bare the scars of years of this internal abuse. And this image of what I think I am. I’m struggling with how do I move forward when feel like a bad person deep down inside?

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Thank you both for your responses. It sucks, but it’s nice to 1) be able to talk about this and 2) feel a sense of community and not feeling alone. Up until I started erp 2 months ago, I told no one.

essence2

Date posted: 2y

I agree i also feel like a bad person and even when I have less intrusive thoughts during certain times, I still feel bad over my past ones. But just remember you are not your thoughts.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m sorry, that’s a really long time living with OCD 🙁 I understand how you feel, harm OCD made me feel so guilty and awful. But these thoughts are ego-dystonic so they’re against your values and beliefs. They’re not your thoughts; they’re intrusive.

Anon.

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I'm glad you are doing ERP and hope you get some relief from the suffering from OCD. It took time and consistency in therapy/ERP, but eventually the intrusive thoughts caused less anxiety and I just naturally seemed to not associate them with the "type of person" I am. However, on a side note, I also try to do work in other spiritual aspects as well. Check out the book "the untethered soul." This book brought me a lot of relief, and is pretty much based on the idea that you're not your thoughts, you witness them. You're not your emotions, you feel your emotions. You're not you body, you experience life through it. So then what/who are you? It's some pretty deep philosophical/spiritual stuff, and I got some relief from it. It's pretty much coincides alot with "non-duality" which has also brought some relief. Check out "Paul Hedderman's" non-duality stuff on YouTube. It's entertaining, and has been helpful for me. However, I want to see for me this stuff didn't replace ERP/therapy. I try to practice lifestyle ERP now and still meet my OCD therapist once a month on here. In the beginning (at least the first couple to few months), I tried to do ERP everyday. hope this helps in some small way!

givemedream36

Date posted: 2y

Ask OCD make you feel more bad person. Don't fight with OCD. You lose if you start argue with OCD. Say for you OCD "i want be very very bad person, make me feel this way please". See what happens.

dee012

Date posted: 25w

Feels like idk myself:(

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

Derickk

Date posted: 24w

Past mistakes and regrets.

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

Anonymous

Date posted: 8w

Help me understand

Hi, I just had a recent diagnosis of OCD. It’s crazy because I never considered it or thought that I had it. There have been some thoughts I look back on that make me wonder if it was OCD the whole time. It came to full fruition recently when I made a bad decision that cascaded into me worrying, and then led me to having these intense intrusive thoughts that I never thought I had. Can OCD magically manifest this intensely for some? I notice a lot of the stories here that people experience all the intrusive thoughts when they were younger. I keep looking back on previous times, making me think I had those same thoughts then. I can’t remember if they were genuine thoughts like I believed them, or if I knew they were bad thoughts and I just got over them. I feel like I am lying to myself every time I have the thoughts and that I’m a bad person because of it. I’m trying to not accept it. I have a few sessions in with my therapist introducing ERP but I wish I could get through this quicker. I feel disgusted with these thoughts and that I might be a bad person. Please help me understand and how to best handle this. Anyone have advice on how to be patient with yourself through this process?

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