All I've been thinking about is this one incident that could ruin my life. I was doing so well until I had this happen and remember it days later. All I can think about are what ifs, what my thoughts were, what my intentions were, and I can't get to a full 100% answer for any of them. All I feel is guilt and regret and thoughts about my worst nightmares coming true
Sounds like you’re having some problems with rumination yeah? Believe me I could relate. All the what ifs and if onlys. This really just sounds like OCD at it’s worse messing with you. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you going through anything stressful or feeling anxious? For me these feelings are a huge trigger for my OCD
Only thing I find stressful and anxiety inducing aside from my thoughts are feeling like I'm behind with my academics. I failed a test that I got from one class, very behind in another class, I missed a day in another class and I don't think I have the energy to go to my Friday class. This ruminating is destroying me. It just seems so real and feels real because of what happened. I feel like I did something really disgusting, even if it may be an accident. Before I couldn't recall a time where this hasn't happened but now I can. This hasn't happened ever since the accident though, and I've felt bad about it so much that I was in the same state as I am now. I don't know what to do. It's been like this for 3 days now.
@BigGip09 Hmm the stress of school may contribute to this, aside from the actual incident. And yeah the feeling part is just another symptom of OCD unfortunately. I recently got an intrusive thought about someone I cared about and I felt like shit for a while. I didn’t do any compulsions because thats the part of OCD that’s in my control, and I just cannot feed it. I’ve been through this before and I know it will pass. We must increase our tolerance to these situations as OCD sufferers. Have you done any ERP? Or perhaps tried some medication? I know meds aren’t for everyone but they definitely helped me.
@Drew92 At the beginning of this week I was doing fine and just not thinking it but one day as I was on my way home I couldn't stop thinking about what happened and it felt real. I also remember that just second after the event, I got a horrible feeling and my heart sank and since then I've been having problems with it. I seeked reassurance with so many different friends by letting them know of my guilt and crushing regret because of this. I even remember saying I was doing so well until this happened. I don't remember all the details no matter how much I try too, so I'm just left with "you committed a crime" and "it was an accident" I've tried ERP here and there but not as much as I should. It's too scary and I don't know how to build a hierarchy. I'm glad medication has helped you though. That's really good news.
@BigGip09 It is scary :( I definitely think you should stick with it though! Try and do something you enjoy to keep your mind off the rumination. Or tell yourself a response message such as “Thanks OCD, but I need to move on now with my day”, and then quickly shift your focus.
@Drew92 I tried doing that when I got home today. Just can't help but think I committed a sexual crime because of this. Would I feel bad if I did? Does this worry and guilt mean it was an accident? Did I like it? I don't think I did because why would I be this bent out of shape over it. It hasn't happened again and I don't want it too. I'm highly conscious about my interactions with people these days. Ruminating I feel just makes it worse but I think I do it because I deserve it.
I know I seek reassurance.But I really dont know what to do right now.I keep thinking about how I didnt help someone who was in a terrible situation a long time ago.They were a kid :( .Since then I keep thinking about what happened and how I didnt help.And I started to have intrusive thoughts ..about what happened..and other terrible themes.And I am really scared.I realised I keep thinking because I cant belive how difficult it was for them and how I could have helped and I didnt.I talked to a psychologist and they told me I didnt know how to deal with such a situation but I still blame myself.Sometimes I feel like they need help now, l but it was years ago.I stopped ruminating because it wont help anyone but I still have intrusive thoughts.I want to help now but I dont know if I can .I want to aplogise and make sure they are ok but I dont want to makw them remember.And I dont want to do that just because of guilt..I want to actually help.I feel like I did an unforgivable mistake..+ the terrible thoughts I have .Idk if I can ever share them with someone..ever..I feel like I am a dangerous person because I didnt help+ because of my intrusive thoughts.I really doubt myself..and feel like I shouldnt be trusted.Thank you if you have read all of this
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.
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